2005-07-05 - 1:05 p.m.

hi.

i need to check in.

spent the day so far at the doctors. all of my girl tests came back super clean. wow. what a strange relief. and what an asshole i've been about my health. i don't even want to talk about it.

then i finally went to an endracrinologist for the energy levels. more blood. i barely notice anymore. cept when some fool doesn't know how to do it and levels with a bruise the size of jezuz for a week.

the endra dr. wants to rehash the entire pathology report. which is nice. it's the difference between a demigod male surgen and a thorough female doctor. she wants to make hot damn sure that i don't have this thing spread everywhere in 20 years when we could of done a total flush of it now and entirely prevent it. one prob is the flush can't be healthy in and of itself. hell you can't even touch anyone for days after. cuz your radioactive. hello'. and then i'd be listed as a c. patient for life and if accidentally sneeze wrong with my insurance i could get screwed. universal healthcare anyone?

she was seriously thorough. then someone in the room who will remain nameless burst into tears after trying to convince a certain doctor that depression isn't an issue. but that someone was crying about rehashing the c. issue and the bald fact that therre could possibly be c in my system and wtf. are you kidding me? wtdoublef.

i just don't particularly know how to shake this and get to work today. i don't feel like calling my "employee" and moving forward with work that desperately needs forward motion because i'm too internal and quite and sad and i feel like i have to have teen spirit to deal with others outside the walls of my own personal compound.

i also am not in the mood to slip away into hybernation. i think i just want to do the minimal amount that requires human interaction. today i'd like to spend the day filing for example. yes i want to file. make sense of dates and alphabatizing and add up numbers while subtracting others. doing exacting things. black and white as the text i read. so i can turn off my thinking and yet still be doing work. i'm sick of juggling twenty things while thinking ahead of the next twenty. oo boy. i just need someone to be on my page with this.

i was in the lobby and i started to get stomache pains and nautia. i think it might be emotional. i'm just so sick of the medical. and just now i had to take to medications, both of which independently can cause sever nautia and headaches. so my day feels shot like a lion caught and tranquilizer dangling out of his muscular hide.

cat says they took away my superhero powers. that now i am being forced to operate like a normal human being.

it's so frustrating to have this haulting. yielding in my tracks. and yet i am simultaneously thinking with each blasphemously irritated breath that i am grateful it's not worse. grateful i don't have something more. or was born to a country where its people are starving by the masses or where medicine is non exhistant. lucky to have all i do. and yet questioning why i feel as if half of what i had has been sliced suddeenly away no matter how hard i force myself barreling ahead to negate this truth.

i don't want to tell anyone about the c issue coming up again. i don't want to plant any seeds or be regarded as such.

i'm also irritated at lizard. she was insanely difficult yesterday. i felt like i walked on the egg shells of her delicate, overly sensitive mood yesterday. i tried so hard to be giving and gentle and i feel like she just took it for granted and grilled me some.

she took a nap at my place and i brought her fresh squeezed with the seeds forked out, hot tea, candies. but she was just snap happy. then we are at a friends watching a movie and then tv and all of the sudden she says , "ineb i have to go i have to be up and i'm tired" and goes on some rampage as if i had told her five times we are staying for a few more minutes. which i never said. my friend even said to her, you sound like a baby girl saying that, its cute. i didn't find it fucking cute. it grated on my nerves the way she acts like she can't get her needs met or can't just say what the fuck she wants then whines for fifteen minutes as if with some iron fist i'm denying her something essential. just ask. just say it. jezuz. i just can't take that kind of indirect smeerey communicating. i need directness without a bunch of tapioca pudding surrounding it.

i spent a lot of time with electro this weekend. i don't feel like getting into it. we did take the bus to breakfast at this place in downtown that's been oopen every hour, every day for 75 years, through the riots, fires, quakes.. i contributed to my newly earned weight issue with a hot stack, ten packs of butter et al.

and last nights brownies smoothered in frosting didn't help. nor did the pound of sirloin or the chips or thehehehehe. you get it.

did i mention that two men peed together in front of me saturday night? it was quite an evening. ooo yes it was.