2005-06-25 - 12:30 p.m.

this is an "i'm irratated" entry.

i can't shake the irritation today. just fucking can't. been trying all morning only to fall into more irritation. it starts humbly enough. i wake, excited for the day that is mine. no downtown deadlines. so then what always fucking happens is i think of all i'd love to get done. feeling in love wiht life. then fun turns to have to, turns to a crumbling sense of all i expect myself to do today then i feel the time ticking and suddenly its 12.32 and i've done nothing once so ever and i'm irritated and the list is eating me alive.

i'm also primarily irritated with my cousins wedding. she's getting married over the 4th in some fucking small town that is hard to get to. and i can't afford it. yes it's relative. i just had the funds wired, but that's for my fucking bills and business. not to stop everything in my life and fly to bumm fuck and pay for a hotel to endure excrutiating irritation with my family and constantly feel a panic about not being able to get any work done becuz i'm juggling incessant questions from family. seriously.

then there's that GUILT. the catholic kind. the fucking guilt delivered by the barrel. the guilt that she doesn't have many close girlfriends and how is that my fucking problem. just becuz i have made myself avail to be close throu all of her nerosis's? so now i'm obligated to be one of the token close people ...shit if i had to attend to every god damn event of every god damn person that considers me guiltably close then i'd be fucking gone every god damn weekend. which is fantastic to feel the love and all, but i'm feeling swallowed whole by my life at the moment and it feels entirely inappropriate to go to this fucking wedding. feels like the worst time to take all this time to fly all day and then drive some more then pay for a hotel to fucking endure family bullshit just becuz it is expected of me.

truthfully, i would really like to be tehre for her and be that person that shows up and is there for people and puts family first. but do understnad how much god damn family i have? thousands. hundreds. i literally don't get how everyone else can just drop it all and go. not to mention i'd have to be flying home on the fourth of july. i dont' exactly want to be in transit on a holiday. i also don't want to be here for the holiday.

i'm driving up the coast with cat for this insane sitch. i'm in a flim. the lead. did it years ago. it's finally showing. wierd eh? myself will be before me on wide screen and i'mm mortified. so very wanting to hide. butr amused none the less. we'll see. there is a love scene. there is a boob. that's all i'm sayin.

jezuz. what kind of pill can prepare me for this!