2005-06-22 - 8:43 p.m.

i have the worst case of the porcelin push ever. i feel like i have an inconsistent waterfall spewing out of my body on it's schedule, and not mine.

why?

the stress?

the fast food i ate for the first time in ages?

i had a break down the other night when i ran my "profits and losses." i stayed up until 3a.m. pining through all of the receipts that went into receipt drawer and recorded all my incoming and outgoing expenses and at the end, i looked up and just started to cry. in the silence of my apartment, alone, crying at my desk. until i was too tired and i rolled into bed.

but by some strange miracle, my dad offered me a personal line of credit. his figuring is such, he *hates* hates big institutions. hate banks taking 25% of my profit. hates the man, man. loves mom and pops. doesn't believe in investing in the market or in a bank. wants his money to grow. believes in me. believes in what i'm creating. wants to invest and grow his money wiht me.

it was gallant.

now i have the shits.

literally.

i think the new stress of feeling like, now if i tank, i take the whole fucking team with me.

but as my friend reminded me, it's not the house, it's just a twenty spot. and twenty is the damage people easily do when they have a few months of shopping accidents. or drug problems. but ggggood damn man. i've already maxed my drug problem fund. my oopps i went traveling for two months fund. or the holy shit my second vehicle had an "oil consumption" problem. and we all know i've currently used up my emergency hospital experience fund.

and now you know why i didn't develop a pill problem, cuz i've already used the d.p. fund to completion. camp betty ain't free dawlin.

okya there's this super cool light green creature digging eggs into my keyboard. it has opalescent, clear wings that have a complicated sheen of blue, then a burst of violet...it started moving and freeked me out. like it would sperm on my fingers of something. but for a second there it felt like an angel.

you are an angel, ya know that?

where was i...oh the stress now of the finance. i really had no other choice, i'm in the middle of mad production and i can't loose a day. but i had absolutely no fucking money to purchase supplies for the orders. so that is "solved."

i had a great meeting with the student about the special non profit project. she came up with some very cool pieces. i love that raw energy. then i ran into my guy friend who cured my worst hangover in the world a few months ago. the same hangover i went into a virtual blackout over, when i woke i was armfull of bags in the line at a sample sale being told, "congrats ms ineb, you spent so much fucking money you don't actually have, we're making you a vip member. here's a gift bag. now scoot along till you raise your credit line. come again!"

so i ran into him. i decided to be peruvian and fall of course of going home and working away the night and i stopped by his new place. which was adorable. and to congradulate him for the adorableness, i kissed him. then we kissed. but then he started licking my cheek and ear alongside a very odd noise and i kinda just wanted to hug after that. he said i just want a gay male friend to snuggle with. i have to say, he's really onto something. that would fufill all of my "unavailable to your kind" needs.

i feel pretty good. i got a new manufacturer and ditched that pain in the ass whole left me high and dry and didn't deliver a ton of my inventory which cost me a good and plenty.

wtf mf f.

i am over these energy pills. i started crashing tonight around 6. can you believe, i'm actually relying a tiny little fucking yellow pill that nearly dissolves in my mouth all chalky and kizz before i can swallow it down as my soul source of the hormone that produces energy.

trip
on
that.

a pill to give me my energy intake.

UP THE FUCKER.

that's all i'm sayin.

also disturbing to have heard how big my internal scar is and how that other thing is trying to plant itself in me. i feel like i'm doing a terrible job healing. forcing myself to live so fervently. is that a word?

i'm really hitting the energy walls lately. i never thought i'd find the end of my river.

lizard is picking me up to go to swingers for a ....drumroll....tuna melt.

i'm so predictable.

fuckall. i still have so much work to do tonight for tomorrow. i guess i can wake at the crack of ass instead and do it. btw, i feel like i'm doing nothing but growing myself bigger hips. but i decidely have no reason to be thin anymore now that the wedding of expectation has passed and i give to shakes for the male species. except for that guy in sf. and i'm figuring if he's in sf he can handle some hip. it's these pansy muther fuckers in l.a. who feel threatened if a woman happens to be REAL. and aren't a disappearing act waif.

the student and i are running downtown tomorrow and working on our creation. it's so fun. it feels like a creativity pal. can't wait. what fun. were just going to rock the scene and make things. and then make a presentation board to show this person. i'm going to let her be in on the meeting as well. is that really happening? i ask myself.

hope you are well. ya know i know a few friends have had a few 'challenging' days, but i'll tell you the moon is full and fucking with us all. it had rocked my socks too and i just think..ride it out. look i'm too tired to even give any cracked out advice.