2005-06-19 - 4:04 p.m.

i feel like the trips i take to come home can be long. but when i finally get, it's just so warm.

i'm finally feeling that feeling i used to live in nearly all the time. just that simple gratitude, in my space, in my body, relaxed. no where to run to, no reason to run off.

it's sunday and i've finally let myself nap. really really nap. sleep in. roll around. nap with the sun threading through and a surge of breath from the ocean pushing against my skin every other long note. just laying. just finally being.

i've got to learn integration. i've got to learn how to live calm, and happy through the overwhelm and the expectations and the stress. what would happen if i let up on all my hammering expectations.

the breeze just feels so cooling today. so perfect. the music, perfect. i am getting my period today, after the longest, tense, emotional, battering p.m.s. the day i actually have it, i get all nebulous. i sink deeply into the moment and forget nearly everything else. i feel stoned, but better, because there is clarity, just true calm. an evening of emotions, acute and rich, sensitive, aware, in tuned. i just want to stay *here* for a while. stay staring out my window at the tree, the light and breeze touching the tree.

i swear i'm not stoned, but if they could bottle this, they could make a mint.

i'm going to sort through my desk, i have a client, which i'm not even dreading. and then i have the night to myself. i really want to watch six feet under but no one has cable. wtf. my friend way across town has it and lizard has it but under no circumstances do i want to be around her roomate. hmph. around each soft corner, i feel the tension at a distance, the tension between the calm and the voice. the voice that wants to beat myself up for this. that wants to say, i'm too far behind to be relaxing like this. i "should" of worked all day. how could i.

how couldn't i?

but what i feel like i really want to give more to myself is gentleness and less caos. less caos with men, less with alcohol or other inebriates, less with work.

i want to even out.

i crave it.

i'll crumble if i don't.

i want to give to myself more.

i was thinking, with wtfhn, it's not entirely his fault, my fault is letting someone "in" without, well, knowing them. tumbling towards intimacy to fill this mutual need. but i rarely looked up, or rather, i fought with myself to look up and see who the other i was fumbling with was.

i need any contender to pass a ten point inspection. just like a new, used car. i need to be worth that. no, i need to let myself be more important than my suctuous need to feel love. i need to let my next day be more important than the impulsive moment. ouch. that sounds so adult. so crusty. but i always toss all i am aside to dive in right then. i think i owe myself some standing back. sinking in. allowing. time. trust.

so...the "ten point inspection".

what do you think should be some of the points? these would be things to pass before i get intimate. preferably before i even kiss. wow. that'd be superhuman. :*)

here's some idea's:
1. i have to unequivicably know their politics.

2. i have to witness how they treat homeless people.

3. they have to meet lizard, if she's not avail, then cat. at least one of my friends who knows my heart needs to meet them and give the green.

4. they have to see a really fallable part of me and not relish in my broad imperfections as a way to know that we can hide in regression together, but see my imperfections and allow it to simply be an sweet part of humanity.

5. i need to know that they love their mother, but do not talk to her every day.

6. i need to know that they aren't doing one job in desperate hopes of doing some other. but this one can be bendable, as it's cool for us all to be finding our new origins. biting closer to our dreams. but i do not want a seeker, who is constantly seeking and never intends on finding.

7. no fucking republicans. not negotiable.

what would you add? what should be a little test? someway to help me, force me to step back and make some choices instead of letting my swallowing, impulsive need decide my life for me. should i have some timing requirements? hmmm, of course i don't really do well with rules, so these will have to be guidelines.

i can't believe this last guy had no problems with me snooping through his stuff. i think he was actually perpetuating this sensation of being left over not being good enough. over being a bad little boy. he had been adopted and has had a lot of open wounds. you can feel it all over him. smuthering insecurity. enough now for me to feel compassion. i don't want to make him hurt. i think we all have enough hurt here in this little world.

we went to lunch. it was what it was. he had a cute hair cut. is that just an imperative. you break up, they try and get more adorable. i let him drop me off with minimal to no damage. i went into my nap zone feeling that need. that desire of having someone-i-don't-care-how-bad just to have that nuzzling. that snuggling. when it comes to that, i'm spilling over with touch and tenderness. i become a nuzzling kitten.

i don't feel like doing much today. but i will do a little work so i'm not eaten alive with guilt when i wake from this nice sunday. i am lucky though that i have healthy orders, that i met the exact person to help with this non profit project that felt to overwhelming otherwise. i feel lucky to be a part of creativity. to be a part of movement. lucky even, to have this cut across my neck. i wore it out last night. i also drank good and plenty. i think the ghetto moment of the evening was when i brought my own plastic cup of home wine with my gum stuck on the side. i didn't trust the free wine at the venue. so i brought my own. i thought lizard would be disappointed in me for being a goofy drunk. but her only commment was she couldn't believe i wasn't drinking more with the oopen bars everywhere. i guess i did finish the night with vitamin water. calcium. i need some calcium. they accidentally took out some little organs that produce calcium. so there's that. i'm glad to hear that lizard is on train justification with me. it's been a nice ride. but really, i only had maybe two glasses of wine if that, then a rum and coke, then a beer. then the water.

i feel bad that i haven't sent my dad anything. i'm still upset about our last conversation, when i called about my friend passing. i can't let go of things easily unless there is truth and conversation about it. todays not a good day to talk about it. i think i'll just have to keep it brief.

how is it that i can weave more of this sunday into my everyday. i used live almost every day like this. how do i land a little more.