2005-06-30 - 1:18 a.m.

hiya.

so much.

so i saw the film i was "the lead" in. looow budget. feature indy. i suppose.

ten minutes in and i'm shuffling through my bag with cat wondering whats the bussle...i was looking for the zanax to calm the nerves.

then there was a boob or two. wow.

i cried in the film. i made out. i shot people. it was odd. entertaining. at one point i was so embarrassed i was in the neck of cat laughing so hard i had tears strolling down my face.

i hid in her neck at the end too. snuck out to chug the wine on the patio at the cheese and after thought party. people actually sought me out and dared approach and said queer things like, "you were really good." to which i replied, "you are crazy."

i got very odd compliments. photo's with me. then someone said, have you lost weight or does the camera really put on weight. and for some strange reason i took it as a compliment. whatevers. the zanax took me to cloud fucking ten. currently my new favorite thing in the world. oh by the way, i sent my mom flowers today. she got in a fight with the evil republican uncle who thinks her the devil. so i consoled. made her cry.

so the film night, cat my friend and i went to dinner and although i barely landed long enough to taste the food, it was divine. we had the best time. ripping apart relations of the opposite sex. then we had a slumber party, woke, drank barrels of coffee talked more shit. watched the ocean. then thrift shopped.

ya know what? i actually have felt really happy tonight. light. remembering what i used to feel like. evervescent. i went to a friends, convinced by the fact that he had movies, cupcakes and booze. i made jewelry, lizard came by and busted her jewels out and soon it was a creative hot house...sugar laced.

am i making any sense?

i have to go to court tomorrow. some silly tax situation. i haven't filed for my business, and i suppose they will lean me over the bench, lift my skirt and spank.

i'm feeling super shy about the non-profit project i'm working on. it feels tooo big. too unreal. i can't buy it. i want to coddle it. i want to frame it. i want it to be mine. like the boy across the room that you want as your valentine and your wondering how he'll react if you put a vday card in his cardboard box decorated like a mailbox. blue. with red hearts. how will he feel. i want him to be mine. i want this to be mine. i want this to be real. i've dreampt of it since '01. or more. i'm just not sure my little life could be that cool. jsut feeling like it'd have to be punctured somehow to allow myself to go there. to embrace it.

um. what else. not much boy drama. cept i was reminded today how nice it is to get attention. i forgot. i forgot how temporarily high i can get from it. i used to live off of it. i think that's why i've been so stressed, i haven't had my high man. but today, all of the sudden i noticed how fucking adorable my neighbor is on his motorcycle. trying to learn to ride it. sitting there so cute. then we are talking and i notice these sparkling eyes and long black lashes covering eyes insidentally, like indian sashays. brown. we chatted with that type of popping energy. then i came home to an email from an adorable i've kept in my backpocket. only met a bit ago, but haven't seen yet. just email banter. ooo and that crush from the wedding, he's moving in with my friend in that town, so i'll get a report soon on how he feathered out. what his feelings or non feelings are on the ineb situation at hand.

so i feel good from artificial sources. and i'm not questioning it a tad. just going to ride it for all it's fucking worth.

this weekend i pretty much plan on riding on a bmx to various parties with my bff and a 40. maybe a bikini. if i dare.

dare to bare.

bare the white chubba' wubba that i've become.

holy god. i'm getting bedside. i need some r.e.m. before i beg the court off my back.

:*) from the desk of those who always seem to find themselves in trouble.