2005-06-17 - 2:07 p.m.

i had a pre-menstral breakdown today. great just as i secure a planned parenthood appointmt i'm sure to start bleeding holy glory.

i was at the doctors office and i had been waiting so long i had to refill the meter and i just broke down somewhere in the midst of the concrete jungle. i just can't stand the reminders. i can't stand waiting my day away when i have so much pressure and so much to do. i can't stand all of the pain and anxiety that is thick in those two waiting rooms. i can't stand seeing mothers, wives, best friends with *that* look on their faces. i can't stand seeing boobs missing from bodies. i can't stand the cancer ward. i can't stand that that is where i have to go to talk about scars and blood work and underneath it all i'm terrified that there is more.

i was walking across the street and started leaving hellacious messages to my mom and lizard about how over my dead body am i ever coming here again and how i don't give a fuck if my calcium is off for life or i don't ever check up on my bloody progress. fucking drawing the line and everyone should get with it now. then i got a hold of my cousin who i spent the weekend with and we are close. like a sister of my age. and she talked me off the rock.

i must be the biggest baby who seemed to think in the past that i was a tough ass warrior. put me in the cancer ward for five and suddenly i'm a weeping willow you throws tantrums in the street.

the surgen finally gave me something for my scar as he commented, "wow, yes it is bad. your skin is so very irish." then he masked it by flirting and some comments that made me want to stuff cookies into my mouth immediately after.

then i go into the "look beautiful" shop and i just can't man. there are all these droopy hats to cover bald heads and social indifference. there are wigs and bra's and a sense of dust. of plastic. of stale colors covering up a rage of emotion. i think of my friend who passed recently "surviving" from years of fourth stage boob cancer. i think of her wigs and hats and how she might of been in this room and i can't talk to her about it. she's just gone all of the sudden and it's hitting me. i can't stand that she's gone. i'm desperate to talk to her. just this fucking once. for five minutes. please. she didn't even know what was going on with me. i was too uncomfortable to talk about it, hesitant that words would be like cement pouring over what normally could be ignored.

i argued with wtfhn, i can't even remember our last acronim, so we'll now call him
w.hat t.he f.ucks h.is n.ame
wtfhn said that his friend said that if i didn't cut it off so harshly when i did, i would eventually. he tried to place the blame on me. wtf, i have been experiencing this all over the map, people exuding bad behavior, then blaming me with who they barfed their bad behavior onto. i was being very tongue and cheek about his behavior and he couldn't take it, he said he went from elation when hearing my name and right at that moment he felt like running the other way. well now isn't that keen? i told him that what he's running from isn't me, cuz *i haven't done anything you fucker* that he's running from the situation or rather, his own behavior. which he actually seemed to take in.

now he wants to meet me for brunch to give me my scarf back. he's such a baby, one minute his threatening to send it in the mail and erasing my number from his phone, then he's neurotically testing the water with me to see if it's still full of ice.

why did i say yes to brunch? i had just relished in the rest of his behavior, which was him taking care of me hand and foot. bringing me meals, cleaning supplies. i need that. i need someone to take care of me, cuz i feel like i'm doing a horrible job of it myself. i should be fired. i need to give more of the me time to myself. i need to clean and do cheesy crap like lighting candles and writing all night and chilling and letting it all be. and reading and movie renting. i think i'll do that tonight. the rest of the day, after i work more, i'll do the cleaning, then the enjoying. i didn't even know it was friday. my phlebologist told me (blood taker nurse). he's a funny ass guy from the deep south, funny except when he stops to tell me some story about the playboy jazz fest as the needle is dangling out my arm, get on with it doll with the cheerful drawl.

sheeet.

i feel like i need to be doing more esteemable things, instead of aiding in the deterioration of the self. i need to cancel brunch. i need to "come home." but i also want to go to win. i want to show up looking knock down, make him drool, be lovely and flirtatious and then get this work contact i want and be off. so that the taste left in his mouth is desire instead of some projected hate. the hate he feels for himself. i shouldn't get involved with people anymore.

ooo btw, i'm sure u'll be hearing from me again today as i will most likely be getting word on the lawsuit/settlement, they have a verdict. hmm, doesn't sound good since they decided so quickly, feels like they didn't even review it. i think they won't change their number.
wow.
wow.
that really could potentially push me over the edge.

:*)tits up.