2005-06-15 - 6:09 p.m.

hhmmm a moment of heaven. reading you. eating my treats.

currently on my desk. the salad i demolished. extra sharp irish white cheddar that i'm eating whole. four kinds of vinegar: orange muscat champagne, kosher apple cider, cheap balsamic, and a nice fig infused white balsamic.

and now i'm about to throw some brownie mix in a bowl, add water and spoon that fucking into ma' tummay!

no no i'll dip cookies in it.

do you guys tire of my work tales? i do.

today i walked out of my manufacturers for once and for all. he acts as if i don't bring him thousands of dollars in business. wtf. and he didn't deliver, once again, on this order. i think nearly every single order i've ever placed with him has been slightly wrong. wrong sizes, changes without approval, wrong colors, missing pieces (this time he claimed to have given us five after saying on the phone he hadn't finished them.) oo oo there's been so much work drama as of late. i've barely touched on it. i just feel so much overwhelm. i've never felt like this before.

i have another pretty big mtg tomorrow with that well known person at their place. totally wierd if you ask me. i'm just overwhelmed at the opportunity to create and make change. but today i just feel like quitting. the whole thing. working with these manufacturers feels impossible. funding the production is impossible. and then feeling like someone is copying my work and then angry at me for not handing it over to her is just plain insane. i'm feeling really, truly discouraged.

and i want nothing more than to crawl into bed and do nothing starting now, at 6.38pm. but a friend wants me to meet up and he's got these guy friends and i'm a hopeless hopeful who always thinks i'll meet the next great guy and that you don't usually meet anyone under the covers of your bed....although...
hhaha.

i've been feeling down. i think i'm down from the anxiety and overwhelming pressures of this business. its honestly so fucking queer because i've never

never
been one to stress. not during finals, not a lick. never even entered the library. and i graduated with some latin words following my name. never stressed about huge work stuff before. but this man. this has me licked. i feel licked. i feel licked clean.

o btw, ladies, wanted tolet you kknow you can use jojoba oil for anything. *anything* according to the checkout lady as she kept trying to motion towards my knowing of her vaginal meaning. thank you, now i need to picture her previous life on some fucking jojoba farm and using it for "everything." yar.

i'm overwhelmed. i have too many people to call back. i have too much cleaning to do post deadline hurricane. i still have to unpack. and now i need to find a new manufacturer and get oodles of orders out de' dow.

why am i not happy?

sometimes, i well up with disbelief at my life. but since i came back from the wedding, i've felt like shit. like there's no talking me into liking my life right now. no right perspective. no reasoning with me. it's as if some gigantic pre menstral monster has swallowed me whole.

n- how old are you? just curious. how is your dating life going now? hopefully better than my recent expiriments with the lying kind.

well then. i think i need to go roll over and catch a 10 min nap before i work more than be expected to go be social.

i am just feeling so sad. what the fuck is wrong with me? and i wonder, is it some spiritual thing, some perspective thing, some choice i could be making "better"? becuz i'm CONSTANTLY believing i'm not doing it good enough. or could it be some chemical thing. i've even heard you can get sad or down if you don't have enough calcium. and they wouldn't let me out of the hospital for three days over my low calcium. then there's my hormone medication we can question and and and. exhausting.