2005-06-09 - 4:00 p.m.

i am so turned around. i feel like i have severe jetlag.

i finished the deadline work today at 11.30am. yes the work that i started the day previous, meaning i worked through the entire single night. and not just till 3/4/ 6a.m. 11.30. i feel slightly ruined. i just woke up from a nap. i just felt so tired i felt all i could do was cry. instead i slept walked, made scrambled eggs before "bedtime" and crashed until now.

whats wrong with my life?

i violently under estimated the amount of work i had and how long it would take. i'm embarrassed at my mistake. embarrassed at being late for one of the first deadlines ever. embarrassed that i didn't even have time to spell check. i'm so scared of letting the reins out and making public mistakes.

i'm terrified of my stuff being seen. terrified now that it won't sell. what if i smoke crack and it all sucks. what if no one takes to it. i'm going to cry.

and on top of it, i still haven't booked my travel for this freekin wedding, haven't gotten my hair did, don't have great plans on my dress, *don't even have fucking jewelry to wear* because i've delivered everything. i'm cleaned out. don't have a lick. i don't get to adorn a thing. i have to leave tomorrow at least by the end of the day for this wedding. and then i have to make scary decisions about whether i want to go up for "drinks" the night before, which might jsut be too much one on one with the mean girls. or do i stay andparty my balls off with all my friends that are in the city and non wedding related. i don't want to feel like i missed out. or like i'm hiding again. but i also don't particularly want to put myself through it. the wedding is enough. what do you think? will i feel more left out if i didn't hang/bond that night before? hmmmm. and get this, my guy bff can't come. i told her too late and he also can't. so i get to brave it on my own tired, non functioning ass.

deeeep breath. this is one of the biggest risks i've taken in my life. i've put so much time and money into this, god help me that it sells well. and i'm feeling guilty/scared that i didn't do even to help the sales. i didn't do an email promo like i wanted. i didn't put together a blitz pr/designer packet. only one press page tacked onto the linesheets. which is more than most do, but i'm a new line, so i wanted more to introduce myself by. i hate having to trust that my reps will push it, push it right, to the right people.

i get to see the whole get up tomorrow. i'll be on pins and needles till then. to see all of it displayed, i can't imagine. i hope i'm happy with where they place me. i have to just remain positive. and know that it won't all end here. there will be many more shows to perfect and promote. right now my eye balls are burning new holes into my skull. they just physically hurt.

i get to go to therapy. god fuckin knows who in the room needs it. put your hands in the air.

it's onee of those slightly panic sessions where i think where do i begin, the fact that my picker is more off then ever with this last wad, the wedding, the work mania, the i'm nearly 30 and still don't know the vaguest idea about how to take care of myself on a daily basis? i feel like i'm just going to tear apart how bad i'm doing it all.

that's all i have for you :* now i think if i have the energy, i'm going to go cry on my way to my appointment.