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2005-06-06 - 6:35 p.m. ooooo boy. do weee have some catching up to do. sorry it's been so long, i was out of town and i have seriously had the queerest 48 hours that i can remember. i have so much to tell you. i'll just break it down something fierce then address your sweet notes. yesterday, i get back from san diego and see what's his fucking face, steady will now be called whff, as i'm currently deleting all his files on my hard drive. .. so to say. yesterday i see whff and it is on. i guess the space and our conversations left me open to give it a chance and take a seat with the guy who is treating me well. the big question fermenting my synapses, "is it me?" right at the door we make out. i feel great about it. i feel taken in. lost in the comfort and bonding. he does everything so sweetly, touched with honey. i have to work and he offers to just bring me things all day periodically. wow. okay. it's like having a great supportive "wife." in the afternoon as my cardio break, we have this amazing sex. i think i finally let go some and collapsed into the pleasure. i finally looked into his eyes at one point and he said, "you just gave me a gift." it was a two for two session. and intimate. not just physical. fast forward. night time. he came to my place drunk, goes to bed while i stay up and work. everything from the day was too much. too smooth. everythings going to well in too many area's in my life. to the right of me was his blackberry. i warned him from the gate that i am a snooper. in most cases its an honest love of life, details, twists in character that spawn my wonderings. i love going for walks at night and looking in. i love knowing how others live their life. seeing through their eyes, a rare, quiet chance to know how others experience this strange world. to know that it isn't only me that exists and the entire thing an invention of my mind. each of our minds. seperately playing out our films before our own eyes. but with him, i wanted to snoop because as i said before, i didn't trust *something* in his character. was it work? the claims at property he owned? i needed to round out my knowledge of his character. so i opened the emails and scrolled through until i found just the reason i needed to close this uncomfortable door of intimacy and simultaneously confirming my intuition. (i do think that with the right person, i might try my boxing defenses, but they would fall to the floor like bubbles popping by the breath of a baby. i think it would all fall away for the person that *really* has the capacity to stay. we might even just laugh out my attempts.) i found two emails and tons of calls from one female. the first email was the very night i was away AT 3AM. saying, thank you for the great night. which is exactly what he said to me after our first night. then a day or so later he wrote, "hi i'm thinking of you." i google her name. yes she's getting her phD and yes she used to be an underwear model. are you laughing, because i am. seriously fuck. yes this is the book. yes. hillarious fodder. oddly enough i didn't feel jealous, which is new, what i felt was out of africa about being lied to. after that is the soul thing i asked for. i said you could do anything, as long as you use protection, but just be honest with me. and he forced the whole committment thing and then days later went off rekindling things with an x. an previous underwear model who is an ivy league phd candidate. goregous. you literally couldn't have written it better. this is where ms. ineb took the reins of drama and launched. i marched into the room, threw on the lights and said "wake up. then i walked into the other room, took his things and tossed them into the hallway. grabbed a beer from the fridgerator and went right back to work. he tried to talk to me with my back to him as i basically repeated the same. "fuck. out. now. cab. drive. whatever. leave." honestly? it * felt * great. i felt full of the winds of power. i felt put together again. i felt invincable, untouchable, unhurtable. like when you are in the real thick of a destructive bender, throwing up, snorting, whatever...it's when you know you certainly can't be touched. because you are long gone. i was present. sober. in my skin like cement. but cut off from emotion. not a drop. "go fuck yourself." said calmly, not flippantly, rooted. rooted deep, has an incredible effect on the self. i know n, yes i'm protecting. yes it vibrated within too many places of hurt. and yes i got to be done with the opening up, the subtle crack of possiblity and *that* felt great. the black and whiteness, the definity of it. no longer questioning my intuition. he called at three a.m. after i was finishing up work. said a bunch of bs. about how they went in a group. about how they weren't physical. about how they *didn't* kiss. about how GUILTY he felt the entire time. why? whY darling feel guilty if you are simply out with an x with a group, nothing wrong with that? so whats the problem. why the secrets. he could of mentioned the whole thing in a five minute conversation. it gets better. i remember he asked a suspicious question earlier that day about a friend of mine, as if he was confirming some information. then he asks do you know a MN? (a guy). fuck off. fuck off now. it's getting tooo good. MN is a new, very good friend who i'd nearly trust my life with and certainly my heart. this was the other guy on this four some date "group". so lie number two, he knew he had gone out with my fucking friends earlier in the day and didn't even tell me. these are the very friends he would of met tonight had we gone to this friends dinner. wouldn't that have been dramatic and deliscious. this woman has even been to their dinner. soooo, now i'm really mad as he's pissing on my lawn, with my friends. here i tell them, i'm bringin this great new guy to dinner, they can't wait to sniff him out and little did ms. i know they inadvertently met him just a night or two before *with another woman, who was not me*. i wanted to give him some benefit. even considered staying with him. give him a get out of jail free card. thinking, well everyone has an investigative meeting with their x. but to ask for my committment and body and heart and then go try to hook up with someone else. i spoke with MN and aaaa he did confirm it all. yes she's goregous. yes they were HOLDING HANDS THE WHOLE TIME, and yes he tried to have sex with her later, she didn't want to, they got in a fight about it. he had said that they didn't hook up and got in a fight about what direction they wanted to go. wow. never been in this position before. this is a new shade of grey. MN was incredible, he questioned why i picked someone again who is limited and will knowingly let me down and that's its so i don't have to be open to whats real. so that i can count on the let down, as the only window to allow myself to open up. knowing it will end. SO FUCKING TRUE. you all know me better than myself some days. sitting above my lill forest, whilest i am stuck in the trees. so i took the mta torture and the youth torture and just painted it a lighter shade and shifted my issue onto a new variety. nice. yes i can't help but feeling mad at myself. MN said kind things about how i'm progressing and stopping early and taking care of myself and pulling out. i easily turn any of it in on myself to punish, scorn and hate myself for my fallicy. human failings. humaness. i know where his is coming from. i know he's broken, i'm almost not even judging it. appalled, yes. disappointed, heck yes. but, i know he's just broken. and it's sad. but what burns me at the heart is that i went there. what am i doing with someone like this? someone i could smell ingenuineness on. then i go round and round questioning *myself*. as if it's *me*. clearly i have my lill' games of protection, but this one, as is many of them, is just the wrong one. and i'm picking them or perpetuating something that attracts them. and that fact makes me so sad. why? why am i so broken? when will i get it right????? when will *i* be ready? everytime i think i'm getting close, i fall into a whirlwind. at least my "get out" is quicker now. shit, with this one guy it took a whole year. what kills me is what you were saying jumbly, about letting someone take up the space within me, without me even doing a backround check. i assume i'm not worth enough to take some time, "take" the time. create the space. value the pearls within me. gaurd them, and when *that* person comes, be ready to hand them over one by one. but i dove in. merge. submerge. bond. get tied in and then am forced in the murk to tangle out who they really are. it's always a gamble if i rolled a good one. i see it all so clearly now. he needs attention, constantly. a gapping whole. and for once, by default of the love of my work, i had slightly less. but i still felt nurished, fed by the attention, the touch. the need. he would get that hole filled anywhere, anyway he can. it's all he knows at this time. i don't think he's a bad person. i'm just sad that i ate myself in one solid gulp to allow someone "in". really in. physically. bodily. somewhat emotionally. i feel the acute disappointment in myself, of letting just anyone in. in the presense of others i supress all of the knowledge about myself. the strange part is, when i step away, or when i'm with my lill girl, and there's all this beauty, i know that i have a big heart and so much to give and share, and i have catchable qualities. but i so easily negate them entirely in the face of another, almost any other. if they impress or seduce or intimidate me with things i don't think i have. i wrote him this email just moments ago: subject "thanks for the great night" hey. after some thought, i have to let this go. i i'm sure after some time we can check out a friendship -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hows them cookies? it's the best i could do. now i'd like to note some notes. my notes WILL BE IN CAPS. message: YES OF COURSE IT IS. AND I'M CURRENTLY CLEARING THE SPACE AT THE BOTTOM OF ME TO LAND. CHOPPING AWAY THE JUNGLE TO BRING THIS BIRD IN. IT'S AS MUCH AS I CAN DO RIGHT NOW, IS ASK THE RIGHT Q'S AND CHALLENGE MYSELF TO BE AUTHENTIC, WHICH I FEEL I WASN'T WITH THIS GUY. we don't want to kill 100 000 innocents to avert an imaginary imminent threat, like the US did in iraq. I LIKE THIS CUZ I'M HORRIFIED AS WELL WITH WHAT WE DID. i hope the real reason for your loss of respect and interest is not that he is interested in something serious with you. (i guess many girls, including you, need to be tortured (mta-style), lest they lose interest. how long does the torture need to last?) I'M READY N. I'M READY. I CAN'T WAIT, I JUST DON'T KNOW WHEN IT'S GOING TO DROP OR HOW EXACTLY. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FORCE MYSELF INTO "PERFECT" READINESS AND RELINQUISH THESE THICK PATTERNS OF SENSING AN OUT. OF PICKING THE INCAPABLE. OF CHOOSING DAD. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THANK YOU. I'D LIKE TO BELIEVE THE SAME, AND WE WILL ALL SEE WON'T WE? I'D LOVE TO BE CHECKED ON IT THO, IF YOU DO SEE ME PUSHING THE RIGHT ONE AWAY. CUZ I DON'T DOUBT THAT I MIGHT TRY. I think maybe that's why you've picked this guy that you don't fully respect, admire or trust. ?? So you don't have to open up all the way or commit? HOLY SHIT YES, IT'S YOU AND MN THAT HELPED ME TO GET THIS. TO GET THAT ITS JUST ANOTHER FORM OF THE SAME. IT'S THE REASON I TEMPTED FATE TO STAY. AND FOR THE TRIP OF COURSE. I AM HUMAN! HEHE. Especially based on what you said about him being distanced from his own truth and that whole issue with kicking that woman out of his house after sleeping with her... but as you know, I have no room to talk, I am staying with someone that I have questions about too... but I guess what I want to point out is the whole good person thing. I know at his very itty bitty core, ke is a good person. I know you are one too. I know you strive to surround yourself with good people in your life. I just wonder if you think this steady is one? it seems in your writing you were questioning this? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BEAUTIFULLY SAID. Always disappoint myself in that way. YES Admittedly, I am emotionally retarded, but once I lose respect for someone there is no going back. ME 2. WHETHER ITS A BOSS OR A MAN. And the steady actually admitted out loud that he did that to a woman. I am guessing he did so without any shame. That would taint him forever for me. I don't expect perfection, but knowning that this kind of cruelty lies in ones soul just terrifies me. I am always too scared to stick around to see if it will re-emerge. Also, I thought of you about eighty thousand times while I was in LA. Some folks went down to some of the districts (? diamond, garmet, etc.?) and I wondered if you go to some of those places to wheel and deal. And your scar is looking good. Take care of yourself. THAT'S SO FUNNY, I'M IN DOWNTOWN CONSTANTLY! IN THE GARMET, DIAMOND DISTRICTS DAILY. BEATING THE STREETS WITH MY MIND CHURNING A MILLION MILES A MINUTE. SPEED WALKING. IRRITATED ABOUT THE HIGH PARKING FEE'S. TODAY I DID SILVER AND THE BIG SHOWROOMS. aa that would of been fun to see you. IN OTHER enlighteningly different news, i had an incredible weekend. remember my little cousin sister, she graduated from highschool and the minute i was southbond i started to cry with pride. i fucking love her and her little sister with everything that i am. a profound love that knocks me out and makes me inspired. makes every twist and turn worth it. i just am so filled up. so filled up. she and her dad picked me up at the trainstation. she and i snuck off to get coffee and catch up. we pulled up to her home and were so engrossed in our talk we just parked in the garage. (my mom was their, flew out and her mom was home.) her lill sis, luce (first grade?) came out to our window like a drive thro and brought us out our dinner. i had the best pasghetti meal of my life. the most memorable. served with lemon in my drink, edanome and all. our moms kept calling on our cell phones. i have worked for a good 13 years to break through her wall. it hasn't been easy for her. but i've wanted to have just one person at least, who is in. i wanted to be that person i never had but needed so badly. it's one of the most important things in my life to me. that night my girls feel asleep on the couch, refusing to go up to bed as i worked on the blue chair long into the night. i took a picture of them, head to head asleep. the two most important people to me. right there, so peacefully. i wanted to bottle it, and protect it. i'm crying now. im such a baby. i tried relentlessly to do my work, feeling like thee walls of pressure were closing in on me, the space in the room disappearing, the time to do the work evaporating. i had promised luce i'd spend some one on one. and she did remember that. my last night we sat on the patio, with the sounds of the world, the light breeze and the endless ocean at our backs. she gave each of us a stapled papers and we made stories together. i felt so honored to be invited into the imagination of someone so young. she inspired me. the princess of the galaxy. the princess of the earth. i took one quiet moment just watching her and i felt so full. so full of love for this being. when we were driving, i said, but on your seatbelt, and she said i'm okay, as long as you are here. stoppp it. stop. that night her mom wasn't home yet and she had been sleeping with her, i took her bed. i was trotting off to bed and my mom saw the look on her face, and asked if she wanted us to crawl into bed with her. that's the difference between a certified mother and me. she read what she needed. she was scared to sleep alone. the three of us got into bed and she and i fell asleep with her little blond head in the crux of my arm. head on my cheast and shoulder. deep asleep in the safest place i've ever been. it killed me. i've never felt anything like this in my life. she's such a firecracker. man is she vocal. love it. so much character. i am so proud of my cousin. she's been making such good decisions. such self loving decisions. i broke down and offered to take her to nyc. *like i can afford it.* but i want to give her everything. i want to deliver her the world. i want her to have chances i didn't. i want her to be able know what she wants. in other other news. besides working all night and staying up till four talking to what the fuck's his name, i was preparing for a meeting today. i am in such fierce denial about what's going on. it's just too good. it's disgustingly good. and that answers all of our questions about why i'm being so reeeediculous. becuz i don't know how to sit in this space. i feel terribly comfortable with the drama of last night and the hurt and disappointment. i know what to do with it. i know how to survive, and somehow, it makes me feel strong. it gets me in touch with the survivalist in me. but things going well? no. i think n*o*t. i mean...wtf. are you kidding me? it jsut hasn't settled with in me. i'm still barely accepting that i got representation and am doing a tradeshow. god help me, i don't want to tear this down. who am i to stand in the way of possibly being a vehicle to help others. to help them exhist. not to assume i could change anything. i can only do what i can. i just...don't even know what to do. i just don't believe it. i just don't. we have a second meeting next week. see, i thought it'd at most be some great idea that fettered away. but she seems really reliable and committed. and fuck off i know i am. i'm just somehow so terrified of it being that big. of my dreams coming more true than i even dared to utter. shit, they already feel ... i don't know. then i pick apart what isn't good, so that we all keep in mind some detail i have to hold onto. like the fact that i'm in disgusting amount of debt and i'm debt spending on the simple belief that this will go well. i've now put everything i have into it. i've taken all the risk without having to put up my mothers home. i could tank. i could go bankrupt. but i would do so knowing. and that's okay with me. i hope this works, but i'm scared of it working too well and sweeping me away. not to be presumptuous. but i've heard of it happening, and a lot of stars seem to be aligned for this to go well. so now what? how will i tear myself down now? btw, i'm still nervous about this wedding. but today, as i felt broken down by the guy, and i felt the survivalist pick up and walk, i felt like, fuck it, bring it. make me grow. make me face it. i dare you. lets do this thing.
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