2005-06-02 - 9:12 p.m.

from the g book>>>>>>>>>>>>>
steady seems nice. i like that you call him that. but your cynicism is sickening, ineb, really! you say that if you two "develop something that is worth saving", then you'll guard that with your life. that's a pose! if you keep him thinking you want to try out commitment while stealthily pulling out emotionally and readying yourself for betrayal, then surely nothing will ever "develop". keep following your "true north" and you'll end up in the arctic to die in the cold. a painless death i've been told. i don't see what's true about that "north". it stands for nothing but emotional cowardice, sexual greed, deceit and inflicting pain. all of that so can keep feeling brave and fucked up. maybe you should turn around and follow your true south instead, for some warmth. you had better talk to steady about your problem before you hurt him badly. you would regret that, ineb! you are not heartless. --n.
date: 11:53 pm - Thursday,June 2, 2005
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

see, the thing of it is, n, is that i entirely doubt steady's sincerity to start. so i feel like how can you hurt someone who isn't connnected with his true self enough to know a single true thing that might happen in his life. now that's a judgement, but i feel really miffed that we've rushed headlong into this. i can't help but feeling that it's totally inauthentic. its the difference of the quiet old man who never says i love you in many years and when he does, you *believe* it, versus the teenie popper who runs around town, "i love coke, i love that shirt, ooo my god i so love that guy, i love you."

if there is *one* and only one defining factor of my character it would be "truth," "ferocious truth seaker." "uncontent with bullshit, insincerity, exaggeration, elaborate words or red sports cars to cover up the inability to be yourself.

and honestly, i sense a lot of this with him. i mean n, did you not read me right, the guy fucked a woman, a woman with hopes and a heart, on the boardroom desk in his law office, knowing that if he brought her there she would lay him, cemented by the fact that he's a lawyer. then he sent her downstairs, left her locked out of the building waiting there for him while he passed out cuz he couldn't face dealing with her. she had to get security to get her home. then he called her, lied to her about the whole fiasco and took her for another drink. his point in telling me this? to say that women are unbelievable to say yes to a second drink after being treated like that. and that's all from his mouth senore. i'm not infering a thing.

second, v, yes he's the one that's actually said he has a problem with drinking. or that he wants to cut back and admittedly drinks every single night.

n & v: granted, the example happened, i think 10 years ago. but wtf! how could someone do that? and he said that he used to white lie all the time becuz he was afraid of not being loved. ok, nice that he's honest about the impetus, but *come on*. really, do you think i'm just picking apart a person who wants to get close?

honestly, i think it's both. i think i sense, know, i know that he's not right. and i'm feeling SUFFOCATED ALREADY. second i am loosing respect due to these characteristics. and that's the problem with diving in, you find it all out after you've overcommitted your body, time and expectations. and labels. labeling your status. i feel pushed into a shelf. like the "just add water" girlfriend. and second, i do think i could be pushing away anything that is so entirely different than the chase i'm used to.

but i can't help from feeling like if it was the right guy, someone i respected and admired, that i would not back down from the challenge of opening up and staying in the room.

so then what? hmph. what am i supposed to do? tell him? i get it, taht i'm supposed to be conscious of someone else's feelings. but what does he even want with me? he has said he doesn't ever want to get married and doesn't believe in it...so fuck. and then he leaves me these messages and makes such implications about needing my time. i feel so *needed*. i feel so...sapped. i feel as if he depends upon me and *i hardly fucking know him.* if it were a friend, i would drop my whole deal and be their rock. he's not asking me to be a rock, but i feel as if he wants sooo much of me, so fucking fast. wants to be with me a lot, stay over a lot, i just feel like i'm supposed to make him happy, acquise to steer him clear of becoming the pouty guy who isn't getting just what he wants in the package he asked for. and why? i am not his girl friend. authentically, i feel as free as ever. i feel as if committment is something that happens to you, not like a color of paint you apply over it. it either naturally exhists or not. but i feel painted on. and right away, i liked the shade, cuz it's been so long that's been asked of me. but the trouble i'm having is that it doesn't feel genuine. how could it, i barely know him. its been like give or take, five times i've ever been in the same room with him. granted, we *dove* *in*. surprised? whatever i'm human.

and! and what his best girlfriend actually said about him not going out with them that night is, "steady, oh he's out chasing pussy."
NNNNIIIICCCCEEE.

nice.
so now that's a human that's fucking respectable.

pulez.
that imply's that that is his typical behavior for a friend to label that. horrific. i'm getting in such a huff i feel like i'm going to tell him off when he calls. wtf. i'm sorry, but i know i painted him like a saint and i like a frightened self reliant faux brave boxer, but i think there's more here. i'm sorry, i think i was protecting him somehow. i wanted it to be right. there is some that is right about it. i think i just need to be honest and then i won't feel like i'm eating so many feelings and feeling pissed about it.

i'm sorry n, it's great to get your perspective and be reminded that on the other side there might be someone with feelings. i get it, i love men. i love my brother and my best guy friends and would throw down to protect their feelings from careless females. or flawed human beings rather. which i so clearly am. president of the society several years in a row now.

v. i totally relate, with all of this stress and discomfort, i'm just eating a tunnel to china. and i'm faareeeked about "getting fat." particularly feeling/looking fat/bad for this ridiculous wedding.

okay. i feel a bit better. i've just had a large day on me. worked till four a.m. then worked so hard today, i didn't drop nurishment until 5pm. silly. but it felt great to get so much done. i know. i know. i'm fumbling far into my "thing" so i don't have to be here for this fallible world, with it's fallible humans who have broken hearts tempting fate, tempting to break mine once again.

n. it broke. long ago. and yes god damn yes sir yes i've gaurded against it since then. for years without even knowing it. and now i do know. but i don't want to get so nude for just anyone who asks, and that's what i feel. i feel inauthentic about jumping in and reveiling and being everything to someone too soon. it doesn't feel right or real. it may grow into something more. or it may just be practice. is that bad? should i let go of him now? if i already sorta know? the drinking thing is a real deal breaker. it's something i vowed not to entertain in my relationships ever since i was a little girl counting dads ddrinks and seeing the pain and anger in my moms eyes. and by some miracle, by the most part, my more serious relationships have not had a problem. i just don't want to regret letting someone derail even a moment of my time if they are completely wrong. i feel like i will just resent the entire fiasco. but there are times that i want to be involved in it. just not in the way he wants to, and i guess i'm eating my truth just to keep him happy. like keeping dad happy. like i did the other day when my friend had passed away and i needed to talk about it and instead i ate all my feelings to be there for *him*. to make *him* happy because i was taught that he is fragile and i have to tap dance and walk on eggshells. it's hard for me to understand what lizard is saying, that this guy just is liking me and that i need to be conscious of that a bit.

i need her to meet him. she can call it in under five. there was this one guy and she saw it miles before me, and he really truly turned out to be a real louse. a total inauthentic cheater tard. she probably won't like him. but i don't know. i just don't like that the one proclaimed sister of his said he was 'chasing pussy'. that's language *i* don't even use. with anyone. that just doesn't sit well with me. when asked, do you feel like you would be settling, the answer would be yes. not because he doesn't treat me well, for a first time i'm getting treated incredibly. it's just that damn feeling inside that i need to respect the other persons character. *i* need to adore, i need to feel a deep admiration of the way he lives his life, acts towards his friends, pursuits his dreams, or at least likes the life he currently leads.

i am right now feeling as if finding someone i can respect in this fucking town is an impossible task. impossible. it is full of transient beings, seeking constantly to land, and yet never quite arriving.

well. then. now i have to get some work done before i collapse.

i'm feeling bummed out now.
btw, i am going to tell him where i'm at, that i want to SLOOOOOWWW down and just get to know eachother and let authentic desires pace it, rather than imposed labels. he's probably going to pay a piss party and punish me for it. that's what i just love about some men, or rather, striking a more familiar cord, with my dad, if and when i actually do speak up, i'm deftly punished emotionally for it. punished i tell you. silent treatments that make hitler feel all snuggles and snookems. manipulations that psychology books were written from. and right now, i am hurt and angry actually at my dad for this last interaction. and i'm more mad at myself for *my* inauthenticity, in not voicing myself. in disappearing myself so he can exhist as big as he needs to.

god damn it. so i will try not to project all of that onto him, and just give him an opportunity to react different than i think any pouty guy would...

wow. that just poured out. i think i'll go have a beer and finish off those poor lill' brownies now.

:*) thinking of you v.