2005-06-01 - 7:43 p.m.

i feel like i'm on auto repeat, i should just write a few staple entries and recycle periodically.

todays recycle is entitled "in a state of massive overwhelm".

i arrived home with the lawsuit fax due in one hour, knowing it would take well over that, knowing i also have shit fuck off of other work to do tonight, and all i could do is burry my head in the cookies i had left and then go take a "i hope i never wake up" nap with biggie smalls on uber-purr.

i'm scared they won't reduce my lawsuit fine/settlement. at least what i'm doing now will stall out the process some and give me more time to earn some greenbacks.

i'm also on acute, acute overwhelm regarding the work.. which is good. too good. too big. shit is starting to happen that could just knock me out, cold. i have a meeting with someone to do a co-design that could be an incredible thing and the thing is i have a feeling that it will actually go thro. and then i keep getting sales inquiries, just a few pieces were out for a shoot and a buyer wanted to gooble them all up apperently. plus i'm having the ridiculous amount of stress getting ready for my first tradeshow. and somewhere in the bowels of my thinking is the idea of this wedding. the more i think about it, the more i want electro there. i'm unsure of it, but when i think of it, i feel constantly comforted by it. just to bring someone who only knows me as i am today, to carry that knowledge with me. and to laugh with him and share insider trading secrets. i just have to be clear about me intentions. plus this guy, my steady, really thinks i'm his gf. really now. hmph. i think he just wants to wear it like some ribbon. i feel used. i certainly wouldn't claim stake to a bf status. jezuz. i wonder if he threw out that email of the hotty that was laying around. damn. come to think of it i haven't seen it. cruel man, cruel.

the steady came over last night and was suddenly irritating to me. sweet as usual, claiming to only want to make me happy. was goign to take me for a meal, but when i was too stressed, he went to pick up food for me had a few drinks cuz he's a total alcoholic, then brought me a picnic and watched me while i worked. he was more...itchy..scratchy, i didn't like his comments. they seemed like they were taking some digs. and then i was irritated with his drinking and his insincerity. he told me a story about how when he was younger he completely left this woman locked out downstairs after having sex becuz he didn't want to deal with it. she actually had to have security drive her home as she had no cab money. what a fucking asshole. i'm not sure, even tho it's been years later and a person can change, that i can let go of that.

the other night when i was going to his place mta called. hmmm. i had to get off right away. i really could care less right now. in fact they can all go to hell in a hand bag. the sad fact is that i only care about the essentials right now, fam, friends, work, work, work.

which tonight i have a ton of to do and god damn i want to bag out. and it's creative work, and i'm not feeling the juices. i'm feeling like a crabby bag of poo and i feel like retreating into my so comfortable bed with new amazing too expensive pillows and hiding out for the rest of the night. :*) and you?