2005-05-30 - 2:04 p.m.

i spent half my rent on two pillows.

the guy asked me to go steady.

i said yes.

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i was sad all day yesterday. this sullen quiet i carried everywhere i went. i couldn't let go until i was at the car wash leaning over a bucket of del taco fast food growling at anyone that tried to come to close and talking to cat. i finally let it out.

i'm really uncomfortable getting to know this guy. we'll hence forth call him my steady. i just felt .... felt...i say it all the time, but terrified. or just aware that i'm going to want to do everything in my power to push him away. it does feel really nice. i melt into him. we are constantly wanting to have sex, and delivering on that desire to boot. we talk and laugh easily. he's kind to people and i met his close friends last night. his best friend that's "just like a sister." they went out when they were sixteen. she's really cool, but i think she was thrown off according to him, becuz he really likes me.

so last night we are laying around and i started finger wagging him saying i don't want him to sleep with someone unprotected then sleep with me, but otherwise he can date who he wants. and he said, it goes against everything this town is, but let's not try to keep options (or something like that, the committment to a phobic uncommmitable life) let's go steady. then he says something about how he's not sleeping with anyone but that there are a lot of women around and how he isn't interested in anyone else. hmmm.
i didn't give it much thought, but i agreed, nearly just to take a risk and try something new.

but secretly i'm thinking, there's no way i'll follow through on that. meaning, i am a synical person, and i'll believe it when i see it. and until then, i'll meet who the fuck i want and keep following my true north. if we develop something that is worth saving from the tamperings of other interests, then i'll respect and gaurd that with my life. but until then, i don't know that i can calm my impulses and more truthfully, my protections. i don't know what to say.

i'm having a great time, and it does feel so incredibly natural. he hasn't thrown up any walls. he wants me in his space, calls my bed, "our bed". i know, fast eh? wants to go away. wants to call me his girlfriend. and i can tell from the reference of his friends that this is not normal. that he is crushing specifically. hmmm. i don't know. i feel like pushing it away. luckily i feel a healthy padding by my life. ei., i go out too much, drink too much and work too much. so someone has to first mount those walls before i can collapse into the center with them.

he doesn't seem to care as much about his work. i could be very wrong. but he never seems to consummed.

i feel a bit attached to him. but i am so very synical, that i know if you gave me a solid week, i could be over it if need be.

i cut him back out to sea today so i could get work done. but i'm feeling like i have a real fear that this nuzzling will pad me from my work. be just comfortable enough not to push as hard. possibly even leading me to think i would...never mind. but i also feel very guarded about that, like a boxer with gloves protecting a prize. something i'd die for. i've done everything for the last year, or really my entire life, to build this, i've sacrificed sleepless nights constant work to do nothing but build this tenuous foundation. and it's not entirely built. i feel so aggressive about doing more more more with it. i have to get these pages off to the guy to bring to japan. i have to get a sample pack off to my steady's friend to get it into this really high volume boutique. i have to get ready for the tradeshow. there's so much i want to do. so much i have to do. then underneath all of this i feel like i'[m supposed to be thinking through the wedding, preparing myself mentally. maybe i should just completely let go and trust. trust.

i just feel like the balloon is getting so big, i'm afraid it will pop. i don't know how to live a life that feels bigger than i am used. i don't know if i won't just implode. i don't know if i trust myself with it. it's like a child with a rambunctious smile, needle in hand too close to the balloon. i don't know if i can just let some dreams here unfold. i'm afraid to even write that. is that silly?

i want to post a pix of my scar. it's actually worse than the photo, looks smaller in the pix. but you get the fuschia idea. it's odd. just very odd to me.

:*) big love to you. hope you've had an incredible weekend.