2005-05-26 - 8:14 a.m.

you guys are so sweet. when i wrote that i really needed to feel one thing, that some one had my back, becuz the one pervasive feeling i had back in the day, was that i was a totally alone.

it's so funny becuz i am not the same today, so vastly different and yet just the sensation of them threw me back into that place of feeling naked and having darts thrown at me and no one stepping in to stop it.

i love the insight, becuz,
a. i should know i don't have to go.

b. i'm totally different and just have to hold myself in that light.

c. yes yesyes, ur all right, if i'm thinking of the dress, the weight, date and perfection, then i'm far from "there." far from arrival. pulling into port ineb. the best way to walk the jungle is to just know. a lioness never roars. she just doeesn't have to. i've got to let go of *all* of the ideas about proving myself, showing something, becuz that is still engaging in the power of it. we are finely tuned animals who sense everything.

if i go, i'm going to go in any old whatever, i'm going to wrap myself in the pieces of my own creation becuz i love the sheer expression of it, i'm probably going to go alone, i'm going to spend time with those i love and be indifferent and borred with those i don't, but curteous and allow some room to get to know some of the ones who are nuetrals, allow for some flow. and fuck yeah n, i will so prepare some snappers so that i feel armed and dangerous if in fact there is an attack. ei, shit m, i gave your wit too much credit to think in eight years you would of come up with a better nickname for me. we need to think of some, totally open to ideas..

honestly, since my outburst here, i had nearly forgotten about the whole episode. now, i am good about siphoning off certain aspects of life to move on. a survival skill from the past. but i'm also truly so involved in the rapids of my life that i just got swept away from those feelings. i'm sure they will resurface in a few other ways as we come up to the drop date.

here's a catch up.

i almost didn't make it back alive from sf. i was nodding out in the first hour of the drive. electro had to talk to me for the last two hours to keep me awake. i was so freekin tired. and insisted on leaving sf at eight p.m.

i didn't accept the job becuz the "part time" hours they wanted for part time pay was ten till four every day fuck off.

is that called, full time with dancing naked ladies to distract you from the truth of it?

i think lizard is upset with me. i'm not looking forward to our next chat. i've been so busy and she doesn't do well when i drift. so she may turn it into a fight. i get it, but i wish she could just tell me her feelings, but i also don't like the weight of feeling like i'm responsible for someones solidarity or some shade of grey like that.

so check this out, guess where i'm writing this from???

AN ADULTS HOUSE.

red alert, ineb is sorta dating an adult male.

it's like insta-date, just add water.

i don't waste time. he's the guy i hooked up with who is the lawyer...of all people. he's offered to help with the alleged case, but i've refused it. i think just out of habit of refusing help, knee jerk. we'll see. my client is also helping , so i'm pretty covered. i feel uncomfortable.

*really* uncomfortable. i'm feeling loved. by you all, by JB and her friends, by my girls, family...i'm feeling slightly valued, with work, the showroom, the rep....

i don't know how to do this part.

at all.

rehab, drama, bulemia, self hate, self help, boo-shit...i know how ta *do*.

this...i don't.

so we'll just chart my path and see in what ways i might toss it all aside and at the very least be incapable of digesting it.

i feel just happy and like everything is finally falling into place and all of the hard work i've done for years on the inside is finally finding a nice home in sync with all the outside stuff i'm finally just barely letting myself create.

i'm terrified.

i'm terrifired.

i have such a sick sense of non-entitlement. also i'm afraid to have things, becuz i can loose them. ii'm afraid of the mud in the bucket settling. what happens if i'm no longer financially afraid? what happens if my business does well and i'm with someone dynamic as a partner. i'm so terrified of this showroom stuff and i'm afraid that i'm going to do stupid behavior to trash it. pull a courtney love so to say.

c.love it.

seek and destroy.

i know how to get rid of the guy, it will come in one of many ineb forms:
a. smoother the fuck out of him to scare him and make him leave.
b. scare him by saying a bunch of badly packaged words, like, i hate committment, i'll never committ to you, self protection boxing glove type things that roll out of my mouth before my synapses even fired the thought.
c. start fighting with him. or picking out the reasons it won't work. becuz i have already found some of those. i've already smoothered him some this morning and i've already made veiled threats last night about committment phobia.

i'm a disaster.

thank god my work finally consummes me just enough to extricate myself a good percentage of the time, and thank god i have enough law suits, weddings and mean girls to add comic relief.

i really don't know if he's right, i have a feeling no cuz he said last night that he doesn't do drugs besides the occasional coke bender. this is common in nyc/la. but pulleez. cat's guy wouldn't do that. hence forth everything will be compared to that fine gentleman. he's a true catch. the pick of the litter. and i'm smiling just thinking of how someone i love found someone great to love and be loved by. i don't think this guy has the grits for me. the depth possibly. he was a young republican for godsake. isn't now, but have we gotten the feeling around here that someone in the room
IS A FLAMING PROGRESSIVE ANARCHIST WHO HAS LANDED ON SEVERAL FBI WATCH LISTS?

so that's something really to contend with and i won't budge. i don't wear it on my sleeve in this town becuz its so irrelevant to so many. so some really miss that part about me.

i'm babbling. i have to go to therapy. i did let my friend and the guy drag me out after this event to a bar and proceed to drink as if tomorrow never exhisted. so now i'm not sure if i'm still slightly inebriated. i woke up at six in the morn and couldn't sleep since. my brain was on fire. thinking about designs about life. i'm even dreaming about work now. i can't turn it off. it's all i think about. constantly dreaming about it. creating. re-creating. planning. shit. i have to ship tomorrow.

:*) big love to my backers. shit yeah.
*if* i go, i'm taking you all with me, you in?