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2005-05-23 - 12:28 p.m. Howly shit. Is mercury so over being in retrograde *or*what*?! Everyone I know is in full forward fast motion. Brother; finalist for two major art awards, cat; just moved, up north friend; bought house, marrying in two weeks, cousin in sf; just moved, getting married in july. Me; full throatle in the business, so much moving forward in only one freekin week. Then I just also got offered a supplementary job. Oo you guys, we have so much to talk about. I�m so nervous. I�m in sf right now. First of all, the trip has been amazing. Just what the doctor ordered. I think I started to feel that the tunnel I kept living and seeing through was getting dark. Meaning, I would just get up every day and dive into work and give give give and never take a moment to fill back up. To slow down. To regenerate. I needed to be plucked from my tunnel and break up that rhythm. People up here are so fucking nice. People are also exceedingly nice in LA most times, most parts of town, but in the heart of Hollywood and other pockets the kindness feels more like a gapping need for attention, validation, a job. Here, it doesn�t feel attached to anything. This weekend I�ve been thinking about how it would feel to give myself this much. To give my soul a city that is nurturing and solid. Take myself out of the spin. Out of the events, the vip, the list, the silliness. I just don�t know if this city would be stimulating enough for me. and I also don�t know if that addiction to the constant stimulation is even good for me. My cuz and I went out Friday night here. It was amazing. All the gorgeous stylishness and energy, but with a rooted, realness. A kindness. Just not the whole exclusivity and staring eachother down and that air of eyeballs reading, �who are you?� the weather has been incredible, and I�m getting such a taste of the best of the best here. Like a weekend affair and not the whole marriage, with its fights and bills and rain and irritating society people that reside in the marina. I completely had a panic. So my college friend that is marrying is the one that is still friends with the �mean girls�. We will call the friend college friend, JB. I finally asked which of them is coming and then got the full details on each of their lives. And it DID NOT SIT WELL WITH ME. any spare minute I�ve had to myself, I�ve spent spinning on it, in fact. We are really in for it you guys. I really need you now. I need every resource I�ve ever had. Maybe I�m making too much of it, and *clearly* I�m giving it too much power. But this has been a source of so much underlying internal tension that I�ve nightmared over for years. When you are treated like that for months on end, it leaves a mark on your being. I don�t know how people let go of their hurt. We are going to have to cull up some strength for me. I don�t know how I�ll possibly, possibly show up for this. I thought for some reason that they would have just stopped in life and stayed where they were, noodling on work, dating someone�but they are all married or living with someone WTF. At least none of them really have jobs that blow mine out of the water, but to tell you the truth, *none* of my work feels real to me or good enough or valid. I still feel as if it will dissopate at any time. I feel as if it is impermanent, make believe, embellished, that the major store will stop ordering from me and I�m exaggerating everything. Which I�m not. I�m pretty pragmatic. I�m at the crux of it really showing itself. Wtf? Fuck. One of the girls lives in nyc and does have a pretty dope job that actually could help my business and she is now engaged to some great guy who put a rock the size of jesus on her finger. She�s actually, luckily, one of the neutral ones. Thank god. But I�m still a scosh jealous. Jealous that she has the whole dood thing together. That she found someone who wants to princess her like that. Wow. But I can�t make assumnptions about their situations. Maybe he�s a drunk. Or not and bless her for her allowing herself to have something good. But the exterior info just scared me. then one of them is a lesbian and seems to have a great relationship with her woman and they are having a ceremony soon. She was one of the mean girls, but before that, we were pretty connected, and oddly enough out of everyone, I was the first she came out to at the last wedding. We�ll call her lez. No offense. Then there�s another neutral, lives a traditional deal in San Diego, just had a wedding they all went to. I don�t feel one way or another about her, just general awkwardness over how much has never been said. I know that there are miracles that can happen at this wedding, but I�m also afraid of the worst case scenarios happening, and it is those that I want to protect myself from, that I want to hide from and not fucking go at fucking all. Anyway..then there�s the meanest of the mean girls M who actually lives up the street from me and I�ve never run into her in the odd seven-eight years. Wild. It�s cuz all she does is go to places I would never be caught dead in. she�s the one that has a really mean nick name for me with her boyfriend, and she�s the one that a couple of years ago when I was in the car with her and JB said the nickname on the phone to her bf, as if I didn�t even exhist in the backseat. Fucking cunt. *what* WHAT I would do today if she pulled much of the same. Then there is the ring leader meany, L. I could go into grave detail about her passive aggressive offenses, but let�s just say she can ostrasize and make a human being with feelings feel entirely invisible, but back then I knew no better than to allow that. I had very little outside of them, very little skills, didn�t know how to stick up for myself and didn�t know I was worth it anyway. M lives with that cocksucking asshole boyfr who is a rude drunk who never stopped living his sheltered frat boy life. L lives in the marina in sf, wears pearls, takes classes on how to dress to be a successful suck up asshole local newscast producer and married her college guy who is a judge or lawyer or, no sorry he�s an investment banker. They are big time climbers, vying to be society people, so I am told. The weird part is JB says she doesn�t even connect or really like them so much, but has kept up and kept them in her ciricle. Which has kept me hurtfully far away from this special friend, the first girl I met in college, one of the few I�ve really connected with in life. I pulled out. so they will all be there, with their dripping diamonds, pearls, husbands and wtf ever. And I don�t even have a date. We should seriously go back to plan celebrity. What I�d give to have my friends friend go with me, he�d be upset cuz he�d want to go w/, not send his celeb friend. Har har. But come on, wouldn�t that be delish if I show up with this guy in my friends sportscar. Ridiculous. I can imagine this asshole bf of M saying my bad nickname near me. that was their weird joke, their way to get to me, to get power over someone else becuz they hate themselves so very very much. I hate them. I really do. There are very few people in my life I actually, truly hate. I wonder if they also hate me? I wonder if some of them feel bad, or even awknowledge within themselves what they did. I wonder if they wonder about me, jealously or even just curiously. Fucking assholes eat it. some days, my success is fueled by the fire of hatred for them. What�s really behind hatred? Hurt. A terrible raw hurt that has festered for so many years and butted its head in some many nightmares. So that�s what we are contending with here. *IF* I go, I want to loose weight, find a perfect date, perfect dress�or just go feeling so solid, really having processed it, really having let go of it. really feeling okay with myself, proving nothing, giving them no power and having a blast with the girls I bonded with this weekend. But I have to tell you, I really don� t know if I can even show up. I just don�t know. Is it undue cruelty to do to myself? Not to mention I will be so god damn slammed getting ready for my very first trade show that same weekend that I will not be able to focus on loosing all the weight and miraculously getting rid of all my wrinkles. Hmph. Vla..what do I do!! Jumbly, help. Ladies I need you�re your help. This is something I�ve dreaded with every cell in my body for the last eight years. I would honesty just tell JB that I can�t go becuz of them. That�s a lot of power to give. some of them would relish in it. others might finally *get* how fucking cruel they have been and actually feel shitty as they should. In other, better news�.i got into the showroom and it is going amazingly. I�m so very happy with it. I can�t even believe that it is happening. It blows me away. Simply freeks me out. and now I just got offered a second job and don�t know what to do. If I didn�t ge the showroom, then I�d feel more pressed to take the job as a filler. But w/ the showroom, it�s more investment for me, but since its in the tradeshows every other month, I might be getting some mad income from that. Seriously sustainable money. Very frightening. But if I have the job I�d feel so much more comfortable. With it I can do the following: I could move immediately. I could financially take a vacation or travel more for work. Wow. Wow. I could maybe even squeeze a business trip out of them. Wow. Hmmm. Ooo the possibilities. But I don�t want to fray my attention. I don�t want to overly stress myself. Not to mention I�m supposed to be doing this other project and I have a very hard deadline. I can�t believe I�m in sf. I want to get lost on a long walk. But I have so much work to do. There is just so much forward motion. Do you really think it has to do with the planets? It seems to be happening everywhere around me. is it with you? I drive back tonight. That guy called. He wanted my address to send a postcard. I�m looking forward to seeing him. I�m curious about it. thank god I have so much going on that I can�t dive into something so much. I hate when I dive headlong before I even know someone, before knowing if they are worth it. I have a feeling he may not have the depth I need. Or the activism. The earthiness. There are things I like about him. he�s cute, I loved his reaction to my scar, leaning down and simply kissing it, I love his encouragement of my expansion. He�s a good listener and talker. Okay job. Possibly too much of a drinker, possibly to interested in �the scene� for me. not sure tho, need more info. alright, what should i do, bag the wedding or go? i'm terrified, never have been so scared to do anything in my life. i've done so much on my own without an ounce of fear, why this? why can't i just let go and fall into the wind? |
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