2005-05-14 - 1:22 p.m.

my friend passed away two days ago.

i just found out. it was around the time i thought i saw her, the sensation of her was on my mind.

the family didn't want anyone around in the last few days. i don't know why i couldn't have known earlier. i guess they didn't make a list of who should know and come by. i guess it was probably just those who are naturally around which i wasn't, but we were extremely tight, i feel like i should of been warned i guess.

i've had such incredible surges of blind creativity and devastation. i think when our "thinking" is so exhausted and all there is is feeling and the moment, naked expression rises. or is accessed.

as i'm falling asleep finally last night i kept thinking of new sketches, and this morning in and out of sleep more. then in jewelry class more and more. i guess its good, meditative to be lost in such focused creation, that my mind can settle in on this. it's better than "busying" myself and running all over town, over booked, manic. i got four hours of sleep last night.

it's such an adjustment to believe that i won't just run into her. that she isn't "here" anymore. there's always that damn feeling of wanting just one more damn conversation.

i just bridged the gap and left a message for my brother to do everything to keep hannah alive till mom gets home. i offered to fly out. she needs touch and love so she doesn't feel deserted and scared.

how is so damn much happening all at once? it feels so condensed. it will take me miles of thought to unwind the layers. there's this surgery i barely let settle into me, jousting myself immediately back "in". then the two national orders, the lessons with men licking my hide, the hannah, my friend, the hire, the showroom meetings, the buying trips, the wedding of which i've dreaded and feared my entire life, my thirtyth bday just at the close of summer..and i'm sure there's more just around the corner.

i feel like i have to stoically walk through this today and just keep moving. don't let up. i still feel like i can't. i'm afraid if i lay down i'll fall into a depression. but i also feel like it's truthful for me to keep moving ahead. this weekend, i've got this incredibly pressed deadline for myself for the three showroom mtgs on monday. i feel the joy and pressure to complete these ideas all by then. logistically i also have to revamp my entire line and linesheets which just takes hours. and i wonder if i can trust my intuition on the direction i will move it to. i wonder if i'll constantly not feel good enough. maybe my ideas are stupid or have been done. the ladies in class all loved what i was working on today. fuck it, i'll make what feels authentic and it'll only be ready when it's ready.

i'm just so vacant of all thought today. the sadness doesn't even stay, just a deep sense of calm? quiet? weight?

i don't even want to write my worst fear. i don't even want the idea formed into words that might actualize into reality.

i really don't know how to be today. i feel like i really need someone to help me clean and to go downtown with me. i'm sure silence might even be more comfortable, but i feel like i need to be carried.

wow, i'm talking to my brother.and it's actually really good and soft. we're actually catching up. wow.