2005-05-14 - 3:10 a.m.

i can't sleep.

and that is not like me.

particularly when i've consistently lacked for sleep and have fallen deep within after two minutes down, light still on.

i don't really want to talk about this at all, but i can't sleep.

i just am lethargic with the impossiblity that i can do nothing. and i guess i thought i would arrive here, but i never really thought i would.

a friend, i found out my friend is no longer here enough to even say goodbye. and some how i missed the window i thought would never come.

it's another goodbye stolen. another yearning i have for just one fucking goodbye, just one last conversation. jsut a few words. just a hug. just five minutes. just sitting together. i hate when there's a body, but nothing feeling past it. like my grandma.

this is a friend i've had for years, she used to be somewhat of a mentor. we haven't kept in great touch in the last year i'd say. but i'd see her every now and then and grab a big hug and a quick catch up. by the time they found the breast cancer years ago, it had already spread everywhere. but she fucking kicked ass. for years. surfing the world. surfing mornings right after chemo. with just humaness. just who she was.

i got the call today. i got the call in the midst of one of my days where it's four o/clock and i haven't eaten, i haven't had my first cup of proper coffee and i've barely looked up from my box. i got the call after i got the devastating email about my mom and i's dog dying. my mom is out of the country on one of the few trips she's ever taken. and i just broke thinking of that dog getting put down, the last searching moments and not looking up to find my mom. they are inseperaable. she goes everywhere and panic's when mom's not around. to the coffeeshop, to therapy, to see her clients, to the cabin. everywhere and not some piddly yappy purse dog. a true rotty. a sweet spirit. a loyal soul. when i first met her in the pound she was used for breeding and left to rot in the back of some yard. i spent some time and my mom was afraid to get a rottweiler. we were about to leave and i stopped her, told her to go back into the pen and spend a few minutes alone with hannah. we left with her four minutes later. the first couple nights she slept in my arms. she had the kennel cough and was a mess. i couldn't let her be cold and away. she's our girl. she's everything to my mom. they have their own language, coding. she started to have difficulty seeing a bit ago. she was afraid to go down the staircase. they figured out that she couldn't see below and felt as if it was a cliff, so they put down big white matts on the steps and she got it. she started to tank after mom left. and the caretaker wanted to put her down while she was gone. today she emailed me this to me, my aunt and my stepbrother who was also really close to her,
"what do i do? i am so sad"

i am so fucking sad. i'm sobbing. barely breathing too sad to even drink.

i hope the girl makes it till my mom gets home. i hope she's not in too much pain. i offered to fly home, on what dime and with what time, i'm not sure. but i know how much this is hurting my mom. and how guilty she is feeling. i feel so ineffectual. so impotent. in both situations. i feel as if there is nothing i can do, but feel sequestered away and molt.

i don't know waht to do about my friend. this not very nice girl is kind of protecting her away from too many visitors i think. she said that its past stopping by, that she doesn't register it.

i just can't see it. god damn it. she was always here. always like a fucking rock. my rock has faded and i don't know where she's drifting too. and in some sad, translucent way i know what it might be feeling like right now. so morphined up, still feeling the acute pain, and yet so very gone. after the knife, i felt so gone, and yet still in pain. but numb. staring off for hours. and not thoughtfully. just vacant. opaquely numb.

i've thought about loosing her for many years. i'd been afraid to leave on long trips, south east asia in particular. and then all of the sudden i'm running around too fucking fast to sit through it. i sorta knew it might be rounding the corner, but i couldn't. i called a bit ago. around the thyroid time. she left a message days later and then life swallowed me. there's so much i still wanted to say. and whats wierder is in the last six days or so, i've kept thinking that i've seen her, kept craving for a run in. a healthy, oo is that "*" and i'd walk over, look closer, searching. i felt the presence surrounding me, the nodding.

she's one of my biggest fans on the wildest risks, and she doesn't even know about the B. both grandma and her, argueable two of my strongest fans don't know.

i don't know how to sleep with any of this. i have a feeling that i'll be up all night. and there's no one i feel i can call. east coast closed. maybe london. ben's such a pussy tho. can't see an ineb cry. he had met her. we spent a news years at her place together.

this all fell down after the most compacted, impressive day i was having. i finally grew the courage to call the showrooms i thought i'd get to eventually but never really really step up to. i scored three meetings, all on monday. and a buyers mtg in sf, finally. i felt catapulted today, birthed. surging. then hanna. then my girl. i know what's going to happen. i just don't know if i can withstand it publicly. we'll have a paddle out. and too much will flood back, cuz if there was ever a time we had together, it was in the ocean.

i just can't imagine. i know that when she'd get really sick at times, she'd recess into herself. pull herself away. there was only one time she let me help. shop for her, cook a bit.

okay...now what? now fucking what? how do i sit through these feelings that i feel the impossibility of? HOW

today. somewhat after, i floated away, back into the speed of the river. back into my plans, in coming calls, needs, pulling from others, appointments, work. went out to an event. went to a bar after. went to deli after. the body doses out just what it might be able to handle. then denial soothes us over. and angst projected onto others in the name of other simple drama's to blanket the fuel burning beneath.

i feel like an asshole. i called her cell. twice and the voice is so strong on her message. picked up after the first ring. what happens then? i don't know if i'm allowed to see her. i don't know where she is, if she's with family, away from her apartment. i don't want to be an asshole and see her for me, i want whats best for her, and if peace is somehow best, i will try to understand, but i think that someone should be surrounded by love. that she'll feel it. she'll absolutely know it. i don't want to ever be doped up. i want to just breath the pain and be here to the very last drop. so that i can truly see the eyes of those i love and give them everything i've got. i think it's a real fucking rip off to spend your last days here and yet gone.

i left a message to my friend to find out about seeing her. i just feel so ... it's so intangible.