2005-05-16 - 10:31 p.m.

becuz yes chocolate milk does salve sadness.

so tonight i purchased two.

i was laying in bed, butt naked, falling asleep with the light on and then suddenly i was wide awake and my mind was on high fire. intense. knowing it wouldn't calm an ounce. knowing i needed chocolate milk. i had to crawl over a few alcoholic benders at the liquor store to get at my utter love.

i'm sad.

clearly we can make assumptions about why.

i'm also pissed becuz my scar is just fucking ugly and itchy all the time. it's like a very nice fushia purple.

i'm so scared. its slightly unexplainable. i feel so out of my skin, crawling, itching, jolting. the jist of it is that i met with the rep's today. i had a horrible start. i was up late making pieces and dressing them on a woman who is on the latin top 50 most beautiful people for people. we had wine, i stayed up past bedtime making other stuff for my meetings. i had enough of a buzz to not feel my thumb when i hammered it accidentally while i was working.

i woke up so stressed i had two malox for breakfast and then my car wouldn't start. apperently you need gas in them to make them go.

i finally get it humming and i'm off, finishing the pieces and presentation as i almost tank myself and the whole go off the ten freeway, cruising at illogical speeds downtown.

so the two places i met with both want to rep the line. i feel like i'm going to puke. tonight, is the very night i want to purge. taking bulemia to new dairy heighths. i shouldn't throw up. it's violent and erruptive on my scar and its sad. i don't want violence right now. i don't feel rebellious, but i feel so taken. so sad.

so irritable. i need something to settle this. i could think of no one i could call who could take it on. most fell short of the "saying the right thing" list.

i feel totally uncomfortable with this new twist. i was prepared in the deepest part of my being to hear this from the showroom's, "i'm sorry but we're full and your stuff just isn't really ready yet." as i've heard several times thus far.

i feel like puking.

just like that, and i don't know why, these two are ready. want me to pick them i suppose. and i want to throw the whole muther fucking thing far away and run away far away.

i'm just so scared. scared of failure. of going to these lengths and it not selling. or of it selling so much that i can't fill it or don't know how to live anymore. plus there's more money to upfront. more risk. but they are very solid. it's not like some showrooms that are so stale. these have cool stuff. and i suddenly feel uncool. like a complete fake. like i never actually made any of it, it's all smoke and mirrors. i don't know what to do. i have to pick between the two and i don't feel ready to move forward and i don't know if i could make such a big decision. how do i pick???

how do i not go into the bathroom and throw up? and how do i stop eating away my feelings? i was up too late last night. and this morning was a hellacious rush. i feel really angry at these places saying yes. is that just peculiar?

i don't know what to do, but i feel like my thoughts will not let me sleep tonight. i can barely even read to distract me and as i slip off, i slide on the obsessive thougths about work. and to be honest i'm sso fucking overwhelmed still. i have these finances to do and the law suit still and bills and sampling and tomorrow i get the first out of state production on the belts and i'm nervous and i fucking hate working with my manufacturer now, i feel like every time it's a anxiety attack. i can't stand it. i can't i can't i can't. and i feel as if i don't want to risk taking it anywhere else. becuz i'd hate even more if i got it back and it fucking sucked. he is high quality. but i can barely stand him and i can't pass it off onto my new humble help cuz it's too much to ask of someone right now. but i can have her pick them up and even that would help a lot.

i'm scared. i'm afraid for this bunny to be made real.

on a completely related note, that lawyer texted me from france today. what a fuck. asking for my addresss. what an asshole. what is he thinking, hinting at maybe sending me flowers only to probably disappoint me. fuck him.

our talley so far:
fuck the showrooms.
fuck the guy.
2 for 2 fucks.

he left me a voice mess also saying he was sick of that continent and is totally burnt out and can't wait to get back. he's coming back thursday. fuck him. how dare he come back early. what does he think i am? a gf? and then he spoke too familiarly.

i can't remember if he's returning early, i can't remember when he left. and why the fuck is he so burnt out? cuz of worrkkkk...doubt the fuck it. probably cuz of partying. and what about all of the women he met or tried to meet. and did he do drugs cuz fuck that too! if he thinks for a single solitary second he's going to start dating me and we'll be bf gf then he certainly does smoke the rock. i'm not ready. i'm not ready to know how to let someone be here and when i have a tummy ache let them get up and make me tea or something sweet like that. i just don't have room for that. i don't have room for settling down. i don't have room to not date others and pick up on yummies.

when love approaches the tiger too quickly, at first glance she is purring, but really she's growling a protective gurrrrr.

fisk fisk, get the fuck away.

this message was brought to by the extremely self protective, fightened girl society who will not throw up tonight, but already took a vicadin and hopes it will actually kick in and help with a swift floatation to cloud oblivion.

best,
ineb.