2005-04-25 - 9:22 p.m.

ooohhhhh, i just have to write thro this a bit. i'm having another heart tightening moment. mta called. ooooo it just hurts, right in my cheast, squeezing. clenching, pushing adreniline rapid fire through my body.

I NEED A DISTRACTION. it's the only way out of this rabbits hole. i need a date, a trist, a horizontal mambo, a love, a new guy to get all twitterpatted over.

sigh.

mta just called and did his usual muttering over getting together this week, asking what my week looked like. i LIED LIKE A DOGGLET and said i'm meeting up with friends and have an event (some mysteriously ficticious event) on *thursday* night.

*the* night he has a fucking date. date. date. date. with someone cuter, younger, in his industry who is friends with his friends. arggg.

fuck it. i feel like pulling *away*. far, far away. what am i doing here anyhow? he made plans with me for friday night, the next night after his date and my ficticious event (unless you consider getting piss ass drunk and running all around town gussing up new distractions an event, well, it sorta is an event...so yes). he said his typical, okay i'll call or email. but then i said maybe we could do a tiki bar night (which is very secluded and he may catch onto my secret plan to sequester him off...so the air got thick and i recinded immediately saying, "well that's better with a few people, cat and i were even thinking of having a bit of a dinner party and hopping over to the home tiki bar."

i feel like he's so easily scared off possibly. like i doubt he'll come through on friday. cuz it's getting tooo, too i have no idea. but my heart feels on rapid fire. i can't stand it.

it makes want to burn rubber and party my ass off in an vain effort to self forget.

*that* won't bring me closer to the love of my life. that will just embed me further in this quicksand.

pathetic. fuck it i'm going to go write now. i'm going to rip life apart on the page.

i feel so naked and borring with out the wirlwind of tactics, walls, protections, sprints, that busy me from feeling effectable. i feel too susceptable right now. too raw.

when will i get it right?