2005-04-27 - 10:45 p.m.

i feel as if all the elasticity in my boobs have gone soft. all soft and mooshy. i thought at 24ish, that it'd *never* happen to me and that i lived like i'd never get to 30 anyway.

today has been a back breaker.

downtown all day.

i've got to stop pushing myself this hard.

once again i'm dabbling in mania to get several entirely new samples done in a day. another new material i've never worked with. plus picking up new silver work and gold work and another new idea and prepping for a buyer meeting tomorrow.

co-llapse.

i got home, found myself knee deep in cereal and when lizard asked how i really was i burst into tears and continued to barf bad ideas out of my body for an hour. poor girl.

i'm just in the throws on this "lesson" and i'm not enjoying it. and i'm finally awake enough to see it as it is. which only makes the badness of it more annunciated. but i want to deal now, otherwise if i cut it and run, i'll just attract the same in a new pair of jeans that will bring me once again to me knees.

all the logic in the world is useless to me now. if i could think my way out of this box i'd be long gone of the cardboard living.

i ping pong back and forth between authenticity and the fufillment of this tarzanious hole, goal, desire. to convert the unconvertable. to be enough, to finally win. to get the attention. to do anything to feel like *that* girl. the girl who is chased, pursuited, wanted by *this* type of guy. the guy that is always too busy chasing *that* girl to be interested in me who has my cards on the table and is nearly ready to play.

fuck.

i think of this woman who is the same in appearance and intellegence, but has had these one guys just wrapped around her pinky and i'm wondering what kind of twisted game do i have to play to have that?? i know she's pretty manipulative and isn't to be trusted by other women. if that tells you anything.

we all know i just want daddys love. or something therapuetically simple like that. the joke is that currently i finally have daddy. we have this incredible relationship, now. and i have his attention, now. and i feel loved finally, now. and i feel it's okay for me to be imperfect and make mistakes, now. and i get to be heard and if i say the wrong thing, no one leaves, now. wait, that's sad. cuz that's the way it was. if i said the wrong thing...gone. or just gone just to be gone.

i just didn't have anyone in my corner of the ring.

i'm climbing a blindingly white hill and i don't know if i can get over it or through the small hole i feel i need to crawl through. i don't know what is on the other side. i won't know how to be.

i feel like i'm dronning on about this. and at some point i'll laugh about how hard this moment was.

i just have been relentlessly chasing this sensation, this repetitious experience and now i've come up for air. stopped long enough to see...and yet i don't know how else to be. i just want to protect myself and go get
SHITTY
drunk tomorrow night. and meet a million new guys. seriously rack them up for a game. and then somehow let mta know a few inches. the inches about meeting someone new, about the great time i had with a guy friend getting shitty ass drunk thursday night while you were on a date as you should be cuz your only interested in dating every hot tail you can muster it up to meet. i don't want to be so effectable. so hurt, feeling so rejected. and i still am obsessed with the WHY OF IT. like i need to know.

with "busy" i knew, lizard and i took one look and called that he has to be with the least available, then he'll still leave town and run and i was just a tad bit too grounded for him. okay. fine. i can handle that. his limitation doesn't feel like rejection. and with "smarty," it's cuz he is so very young, just getting out of a very serious, arduous thing and isn't expected to nail it down now. got it.

and with this one? i just can't seem to wrap my thinking around it. i need to be told, like a dense little kid who asks repetitively "why", knawing on the meat till they get to the bone. because i have to know.

l and i think i have to know so that i can now pinpoint the reason that i'm not enough. is it my looks? is it really that i'm not a five foot nine, size two? is it that i'm too available, made it too easy? is it too intense...no is it that i'm older than him by a few years? is it some way that i am with him? i just don't get it. he makes sure to see me every week, always just us. talks/emails every week. was on it with the surgery. sensitive. caring. always asking about every twist and curve about my dates. he's the one that initiated the fooling around. he's the one that makes sure we have slumber parties. i've assisted, fo sho, heheh. but then so much of that is ligit friendship right?

just keeping in touch. just wanting to hang...a lot. fucker. then he talks about how hot someone is, or about the out of town girl, or about picking up on someone. and about meeting the one he'll be out with tomorrow night. holy SHIT.
someone is obsessed and she just can't figure out why.

maybe therapy will shed some light.
right. as if anyone can find me now. i think i'm lost to you all. i think this is just one of those times i'll have to simply burn out the flame, the bonfire blazing in this solitary room i'm in, to let it fall genuinely dark. painfully, insightfully dark, and only then, will i be able to see the light peeking in from the outside, and from that, i may break out.

it's a bit ridiculous isn't it. people say its a distraction, but from what? what the hell else am i missing here that i'm "slated" to be feeling this month that i'm withdrawing from my account?

what am i possibly passing beneath my own nose? we could say the surgery, i guess there was a point at which i just turned it all off and jumped full force back in. i've been at the gym and working harder, long hours and going out a bit on top and doing that sale, and sampling my balls off...but i also felt like i drowned quite enough in that health episode. so what? i'm avoiding some primal pain i should be feathering out from my tightly wound insides?

isn't that actually exactly what i am doing? isn't this just the vehicle for which i'm unraveling it all.

that's a lot of responsiblity mta. poor guy. i know vla, we just all collectively want me to be smart and cut the fucking cord on it. truly. but i looked back tonight on all of the last guys i've spun on (with the exception on those who noodled too wetly upon me..) and they are all mta's men. each and everyone, with various reasons for their divisions.

so i'm torturing myself. i think we are odd, human beings. it seems that most who i know pick their method and torture. themselves and unfortunately others.

i had a rough one today. just exhausted myself. sometimes inspiring, exciting, new idea's. new findings. but i question myself. and then i pick up the last of the big order and once the fuck again, half are wrong. and then he starts getting manipulative threatening never to make my belts again. if there's every feedback, then he threatens to get me to acquiese. but i couldn't send them to my buyer. they'd be immediately sent back and i'd loose repoire. which i don't know how to spell.

then he gets pissed and stomps off. i just want this to be smooth. every single time its something. i dread picking up orders. and now i'm pushing to get new purchases, they are selling like cocaine and i can't seem to be able to even make them. my coca plantation is burning.

i'm ready to walk. i've called another manufacturer and i'm nurturing yet another combined with shiping part of it to the east coast to be machine made. what a process. so that some chic can feel a bit sexy. a bit more "enough". or just expressive and playful and powerful.. perspective, like the flip of a coin, just depends on where it lands.

it's a bit fun, the challenge, but after today, i felt like there was no way i could deal with yet another manufacturer and iron out all of the same issues. i'm *over* it. and ya know what? i've been fucking fair. i've gotten close to his family, i've raised prices, listened to problems, met in the middle, and i don't cross into the median easily. i've taken care of them and promised growth and came through. and he's done nothing but manipulate. first he doesn't want to do part of it cuz it's too hard, so i am going to send it out, then he said the job's not worth it if he only does the work that's left. i'm just to the moon. face flat on the pie. it's incredible.

and jsut to add, i feel fat. i feel flubbery. belly falling beyond jeans. and i should be thin, as i barely eat through the day. my first meal lands between 12-2 and sometimes 4. but then i come home, collapse or go out and eat to make up for it all. late night eating, nothing worse huh? and the extra drinking weight. how does anyone stay thin with a few drinks?

and to top it off, the logistic's? i have gad's of work to do and it's 11.30 p.m. and i may just have to walk away from it and pull it together somehow tomorrow and know i'll have to push some of it off.

i bet i'll feel totally different tomorrow.