2005-04-25 - 12:01 a.m.

i am currently fortifying myself with the torturous thought that i remember pre kissness, mta said he has a date this thursday. makes me feel as if someone punched me lightly in the gut. i don't want to think about it. i wouldn't mind about some random hook up, but if he starts dating/caring for someone, ooo well i'm not entirely ready for that. ooo. see how much i'm still in this moment?

but we are okay with that. again, don't misinterprit that this is the guy i should be with, this is merely the lesson that i'm stuck in. this is merely my current tactic to pertetuate much of the same. to keep real love slightly away.

i had a great weekend. my other guy friend today came over and we did one of those peruvian days. just cruising to eat and wondering through the bookstore, the magazine rack...aaa...heaven. books...heaven.

one of the most stunning things happened to me on saturday. one of my guy friends "busy" (whom i used to date, and met my fab friend cat thro), called friday and said, "i hear you have some heavy lifting to do tomorrow."

on saturday i did this press/sample sale thing and had a big set up that was more than i should handle right now. so he was offering to drive across town at 7.30 am to help me load, drive a few miles and unload, all this during an extremely obsessively busy time of his job.

i started blushing fiercely, attempting to talk him out of it, saying i'd find someone here to help and that it'd be no problem...and somewhere in my confusion, i realized it was kinder to accept this gift, then to refuse it. so i sucked it up and did what was the hardest thing i've done lately and said "okay, that would be great."

i have a clump in my throat just thinking of it. apperently cat had spent days calling all over finding someone to come and help me, knowing i'd
a. never ask
b. try to do it all on my own
c. kill her if i knew she was doing that.

d. it was so sweet it hurt.

the sale went incredibly well, my cousin helped me do it and we had a blast. at the end i got extremely high trading with all the other designers, it was like communist living on shopping crack. i walked away with so much loot i could never afford otherwise, and i managed to swing some couture shoes for the cousin too. i got some wedge shoes that retail for probably 250, 1940's like heals, a boobdified maroon strapless dynasty top, and casual sexy dress that can be thrown over a bikini, a top that i got talked into getting and a staple black off the shoulder. freekin dope man. then, i just couldn't climb off the wagon, so i shot on and bought two pairs of jeans the next day.

mta called saturday with an emotional emergency. his padres are getting a divorce and he is very sucked up in it. very effected by it. i guess he wanted to talk, but he also wanted to let me know he didn't call the next day after the hook up as he said he would, not becuz he was wierded out, but becuz of the situation he was dealing with. i called today to check in on him, he was with his mom and couldn't talk.

i'm not feeling one way or another about him, or the situation. i feel as if i'm mostly just stepped two feet to the right of it and just allowing it to exhist. which feels so good, because i don't feel like i'm judging it or plotting or obsessing. i know i might get drug through the mud a bit more as i "get" this sticky ass message, but i'm just barely escaping it at the moment, suspending it really. it's been comforting to remember about you alison and seeing cat recently go through it.

i really think i'm scared to give up the last vestige of this long, long lesson. i don't know exactly who i will be in the wake of it. and again, the date on thursday....i'm feeling sad about that. feeling like i'm going to run the strip of film with the pictures of my imagination through the projector in my mind a few times. the movie where she's thinner, cuter, more his type *of course* (cuz she's in his industry, they had been eyeballing eachother for a while at an old job *&* she's friends with his roomates girlfriend) and she's funny, easy going and sexy and they hook up and he doesn't think for one dirty second about me. what i want of course is for him to be thinking so much of me that he can't enjoy the date and he realizes....hmmm. again, i can't even finish the fantasy becuz i can't totally imagine us together. so why am i visserally obsessed with his attention? this is so repetition of me. there must be more than these limited spots i place myself in. i feel like i'm in a huge open room and i'm facing a corner, like someone who is in a timeout or is grounded, my nose in the corner not able to see the rest of this incredible room.

i feel so behind on work. there is so much i want to do, so fast i want to move. i'm just so fucking excited about everything i want to move on with the biz. there isn't enough time ever. and there's still that project i'm supposed to be doing that i continue to not make time for. lawd.

i have to admit, i feel like taking a muscle relaxer. ever since that night with mta i've been craving the sensation again. it was incredible, one of the best ever. just sinking away, lifted, floating, vibrant and yet escapable, misty, elated, softened. it was such so rich that i crave the taste of the entire night again. i want it all just as before. i want more. i want more with him. just hanging, watching movies, being intimate, talking, playing. but again, i'm sure this is cuz he's the only one on my radar, and additionally cuz he's unavailable to me. i feel as if this is a snag before i get to have that with someone real. ready. i shudder to even write the word ready. i am barely peeking my eyes beyond my little corner.

i have just woken from the longest of sleeps.