2005-04-22 - 10:27 a.m.

ah, the repetitions of being human.

last night mta and i went to a boutique opening i had to stop by. i boffed the whole thing, missing the fashion show blablabla. late. couldn't be asked.

we walked to the place and at the begining of our walk, there was this silence, and in that moment i knew with total certainty that we would be intimate later.

mta encourage very bad behavior as per usual. we took some muscle relaxers and had a few drinks. i stayed over at his place. and everything was different. i came to bed with him spooning me, then he has his hand on my leg and then he starts trouble. and i'm inebriated utterly, completely by it. lost to the world. drinking in every single inch, knowing in just moments i would be able to kiss him again. again after an entire year, after now i'm full of love for him. or at least heavy like combined with emotional closeness and care. and anticipation. we kiss. i'm cotton mouth. i can't shake into it as ferociously as when i'm overtaken by the sex devil. i think it's cuz i'm impregnated by the emotions behind it. it's thicker than with others i'm just exploring.

the kiss it's all fantastic. he pulls his shirt off. i'm in a shirt and skirt. eventually we are naked. and i tease him slightly by what could be and he wants to do more. is above me saying, i want you so bad. i like you and care about you. and don't want to ruin things.

i didn't want to have sex. i wanted so much more than just that. we calmed down, back into eachothers arms and i could barely sleep. i wanted to taste it that intensly all night. i wanted to feel his skin. i wanted to be awake for it.

in the morning he was a bit different. after his shower we sat on the edge of his bed and he said something like this...

wow. (more commentary to break the ice).

me: (jokingly nudging him) you started it.

he: i know i know. i enjoyed it, but i don't know what came over me. i don't want you to pull away from our friendship..what are you thinking.

me: (i was getting the impression that he doesn't regret it but didn't mean anything by it. during it tho, i had this feeling that this might just start something. becuz he's mentioned about someone else getting into something but she's out of town and doesn't want to start something that can't be followed through. so i know he's "available" for it. 2nd addendum: in terms of the movie "closer" he always wants the waif girl (portman) who unquestionably fills him, adores him, admires his intellegence, but is seeking more of the julia roberts thing, the artist, whole person...and i think he said, like you. me not knowing if he meant like i also do with boys or like me as in me playing julia). (third addendum: when we dated a year ago, i pulled the friends act cuz he was mired up in some ex drama, he got pretty hurt and he said okay we can hang as friends but i'm not going to pretend i'm not attracted to you).

so me: well, overall i'm not sure this is right, but to be honest it felt great and natural. and like you had said, i'm not going to lie to you, i'm attracted. so it's an odd situation as friends. (somehow i believe i implied that i wouldn't mind seeing what happens, i wanted to be with him. but then felt like he wasn't on that page otherwise he would of just said hey let's just see how it goes. instead i could feel he was trying to clear the friendship air and say sorry for going there.)

me: so you want to just whip this slate and get back to friends?

he: yeah, i think that's best. don't you?

me: (i'm sure i mumbled through some vague answer.)

he: i jsut don't want to have you pull away or have it ruin our friendship. so let's just go back to square one as friends and if someone feels otherwise they speak up. (which means to me that either he thinks i may not be able to handle it or that he wants some option clause to be able to have feelings for me).

that was basically it. he walked me to my car and we had a hug. he said he's call me after work tonight, which i'm sure feels now like its some obligation to him and he won't do it, except maybe to test the water and make sure it is clear.

i have so much to say about this. and oddly enough i have total clarity about it, but i still am in the thickest part of the emotion of it.

i had a great talk with cat about this. thank god she was there just after i had some time to coagulate my own thoughts, to help me synthesize them and cement pieces of it.

basically cat just was out with an "mta", out with this fantastically dynamic, entirely unattainable, unavailable artist. he was a disaster. totally not available, no matter how incredible she was/is or how cute, how thin, how talented. she always felt "not enough" with him. clearly not enough to be picked, chosen.

sound familiar? to my oldest readers you know that's been my five and dime.

that's my inner routine pounding words so similar into my every cell.

fruedianly, it comes from being so close and wanting to be so much closer to my dad when i was little. and he was this amazing, sensitive guy who couldn't come home from the bar. so i always felt just not enough,
just not enough to have felt more important than the bar. not enough to get picked up from practice on time, or sometimes at all. not valueable. and yet he wasn't mean, he was dynamic and sensitive. so "on the couch" we can see that i've repeated this in my life with nearly all of my relationships. and in the ones where i haven't, i've done everything in my power to push them far, far away.

oo this hurts. it just hurts you guys. there's nothing to "do" about this, but sit through it. it's like my health moment. i could do nothing but live through it.

so cat went from the disaster to the most loving, available, amazing, giving man alive. and she hasn't for an instant questioned being worthy. you'll be sick with gooeyness if you hear an ounce of the just amazing things he has done for her, the surprises, the openess...it's mind blowing and encouraging.

so here i was in the hospital, whispering into my dad's ear, that i feel my partner to be very near. around the corner. i don't know when, but i've felt that lesson birth deep inside of me.

cat told me that when she went through this before that a mentor retold the story of ishmeal and isseah. whose spelling and story i will now slaughter... how the king got pregnant with the maid first before he got it "right?" and got his wife pregnant. he said that the ishmeal was like a warning i guess of the isseah to come. that sometimes we have to have this trial run before the real deal comes to fruition.

i see her first run and now she's with her real deal.

i feel the delicacy of being on this fence between the two. i logically know with everything that i am, that mta is not right for me, and not available but that he is the culmination of this entire lesson. that repetition of experiencing myself as not feeling enough. of retaining this amazing fantasy and not allowing myself to even meet my real deal.

i know exactly where i'm at with this. in my mind it is clear, yet like mud stirred in a bucket, the knowledge has yet to settle to the bottom of me. i don't have this in my heart.

i'm still stuck to the fantasy of converting him. of winning him. of how amazing it felt with him. the intangibility whisking my imagination away deeper in. i guess in some unexplainable way that i can't seem to talk myself out of, i have always felt that i'd experience some whole bodied redemption if i turned, convinced the unattainable. that i would of finally gotten dad, won my worth. but what happens is i perpetuate this horrible feeling, like some imprisonment.

so yes, seperately he is a great guy, but pls don't encourage me, or say he may turn over, i need to turn over, i need to change. or i'm afraid i'll never allow myself to meet that guy that is just totally, unwaiveringly avail, like cats isseah.

so i know all of this, but my heart hurts so bad and is yearning so incredibly to ... i don't know. i want to...wait a second. wow.

i feel different. a tad. i was about to write about how much i want to have another night like that, and how i want to *know* the specifics as to why he is ready/willign to try something with this other out of town girl, but not with me....'what's wrong with me??" that same question! again, with that.

but fuck. he's 25. he's still looking for his natalie portman waif who isn't the full package, possibly? or he really values the friendship more. whatever, i could exhaust myself questioning everything. all i know is that when i tore myself from him, from this body that felt one hundred percent safe, complete, fitting, natural that i just wanted more, but honestly, when i sit here, i can't even picture it with him. i can't picture a relationship. our relationship is this friendship, but there's also the immense attraction and intimacy and i couldn't stand to see him give that and more to someone else.

cat pointed out that this could just be that i haven't felt that with someone in a while and i could jsut be relishing in the very sensation of "it". that great nebulous place created. that warmpth i felt in the night. also, that i enjoy those sensations within me, finding it nice to know it lives. i've been so gaurded.

but i'm terrified, what happens when i feel like *that* with someone who is complete, someone who stays, who has no where else in life to "be". how will i feel with that person? i'm terrified, if there's so much to love, then there's so much to loose.

aaah, but i'm still stuck in the self abuse of wanting to know WHY WHYWHY he doesn't want to pursuit something w/ me. why? why, when it felt like that.

i get comfort in thinking of cat, cuz she felt the same way, how could he *not* show up when it's this good, intense....but he was irreparably incapable. he actually was going through a seperation-but-we're-never-really-going-to-finish...he was unavail. i asked her how she got from there to where she is now...and she said the best thing i needed to hear...

that it didn't come from any of her forced "deadlines" she'd impose, or her rules for herself, (ei. i won't ever call him, or whatever way she thought of to control the situation). it came from just doing it till it was done and then so easily she slipped away, just let it go and really did let it go and then became open for this great guy. of course on one of their first few intense dates, who calls for the first time in six weeks, but the other guy. they can smell it when they've lost the option to contain you.

so i feel like it would be belaboring and not honest to make some proclemation about cutting him out completely, or being able to handle being like we had been, or being strickly friends, i think i just have to be human and muddle sloppily through this with the least amount of damage possible until i get this lesson into my heart. it's so dangerously close. but there are parts of me that doesn't want to let go. what happens when i shed that much? what happens when i stand here that naked?

so the non-plan, plan: i'm just going to muddle through and see what feels right and trust and *not* beat myself up along the way, that it may take this quick learner a lot of pounding down, a lot of teachings to get it. i just need to have that compassion, this has been a life long lesson and i can't just force it down my throat. it's probably one of the biggest that i'll ever get and is the very largest brick in the wall standing before me really letting someone love me completely.

god...this might be hard. i don't know how i'll be able to hear about his dates now, and i don't want to see him just right while the flames of this intimacy burns within.

i feel like i need evidence, like i want to meet some of those "available" guys right away to see the light at the end. to be reassured that it exhists. but there he was, cat's guy, right there, literally alll along. they found out they had been to dozens of the same events and know an incredible amount of people in common. there he was, and now here she is..finally ready to see him.

i'm ready to do whatever it takes to have that vision.

whatever it takes, i'm offering myself up.