2005-04-18 - 11:27 p.m.

holy ali farka,

i can't wait for this surgical tape to alleviate itself of my skin so we can collectively sigh at my scar. i'd like to meet this scar, say a hello, and let 'er know who's boss!

i'll take a pix for more show and tell. i'm not sure if i'm supposed to rip off the bandage/tape -- ouch!! or let it fall off. what if it pulls at the scar...oooo. i had to cancel my dr's apptment today as i had a shipping emergency downtown.

the good news is the shipment is off. after the flattening day (hell i was ready to get horizontal by 10a.m. and found myself an embattled refugee by 5pm). i called cat at the end and said, "raise your hand if you want to get drunk." we went for sushi, unfortunately two drinks rarely provides this lass for more than a fifteen minute sensation of warmpth.

those doc's better give me more thyroid med's to up my energy. i expect myself to proceed as before and my whole self was like, sorry man, we just got down graded. six cylinder to four. a flat four. so here's the plan, wednesday they take my blood again and i'm not going to take the pill that morning so that it's *really* low and they will have to jump me up.

addict?

my place is clean because i'm additionally addicted to vacumming as of late. it's incredible, like picking for you pickers out there. i couldn't get enough of sucking stuff up. i have concrete floors, so it's all just there, hair balls the size of a tumbleweed in texas, screaming, "rescue me, this floor frightens and amazes."

downtown rocked me today. my manufacturer was having another moment and i had to ease him through it. another benefit of having no energy, it's faux calmness. i was calm man. calm.

oh- and n, dooood, n...okay i'll give you the point that i still feel a bit like, "what good is a club that would want me as a member," but i am so in for the vunerable-i-like-you-so-much goody bag. i am the girl that every bf i've ever had, cried to for the first time in their life. i'm the girl that's not afraid to hold them, love them and stay. and with one of them, it didn't ever touch his masculinity. with the other, well, he never really had it to begin with, very boyish that one, but funny.

i was thinking of that though, wondering if i *could* accept someone who knocked on my doorstep that wasn't clearly the perfect in every way man. what about the normal guy, once i take that guy home and hang him in my closet how will i feel. less so? will i be able to adore him as much as mta who will perpetually live in the gleeming window at the pretty shop?

most say that i'm someone who will need to just be swept up off my feet. but i don't much attract a' sweepin. i get the sense that they are afraid, then i pull this wierd competitive thing and no one wants to admit their affection. "the first to fold looses the suit."

but i'm ready. i'm ready to play! i'm ready to challenge and be challenged. and i'm ready to slow dance cheek to cheek and to laugh till i pee my pants and to send sweet notes and, and, and spring *is* in the air no?

i set my girl cat up with a dope composer, nearly on accident, via the prick dick brit...and they are like two birds sick with love on a branch all their own. it's freekin adorable and i am so happy for her i couldn't be more beeming. glad to know that i'm not the jealous type. not with that. only with more periferal people i don't know well enough. with them it just all seems to frosted-on-top.

mta called and wants to hang this week. he had a big work thing last week and appologizes for being mia. hehe. what's cool about this is that i'm not judging myself over it. i'm not to the moon about adoring the unattainable, i know exactly what shelf it lays on. i know it's number. i know it's just a honey flavored distraction to help me smile more. i'm not taking it too seriously. and yes, n, i certainly do crush easily huh. no i don't crush easily, i crush often. it's cuz i'm so incredibly single and out all the time and meeting lots of opportunities for crushnessing.

i'm on a golden, sugar high. i'm never going to fall asleep, tempted to take a muscle relaxing wine mixer. i know, i know, only partygirl will get wholeheartedly behind me on this one.
i just binge-spent today and then topped it with a serious committed session to brownie eating. so i'm on the ceiling. i binge bought items for my business tho, so, hmm...an investment then. i spent thousands. i know! thousands. not hundreds, but thousands, like rent money, like i'm not entirely certain how to pay rent. hehe. whatever. details!

it's just that i feel as if i'm supposed to wait till income flows in more before i sample my fucking ass off. i'm doing a pretty big sample sale this saturday so i can liquidize quickly, hopefully. i bought these crazy gold birds and picked up my diamond piece and bought peridoe, tourmaline, and this insane strand of london blue topaz that i'm going to make just for me, more scar sympathies.

*you know i'm going to juice this for all its worth, i'll be shopping off this excuse for months as i should!*

it's wierd how different people have such varying responses to my surgical procedure. some are casualish and others think i should be taking the month off. i've even received a gift pack... get this...from my step dad's *x* wife in london! i'm laughing as i type. it's her odd way to inch in with my mom, there's a wedding coming up and she wants to get some pre power or somehting.

driving up the coast the other day, looking at the dozens of diamond shrapnel pieces of light dancing off the water, i was wondering, "am i glad to be alive?" would i be okay if i just didn't wake up? one, i wouldn't know if i didn't wake up so i can't entirely answer that question. but i feel some odd acceptance, or irreverence. or distancing. i would rather loose myself than loose someone truly close to me, like dad or lizard.

not
an
option.

and i've been sensitive to those potential losses with the health annunciation in my field of vision.

but if i left...i don't know. i guess i'm supposed to cling onto the idea's of what i haven't done yet..the baby, the falling in love again..completing the business. when i've been pushed to the test, feeling as if i might just really die on this airplane right now, then i do have a sense of what i am beggin to still live out. beggin, not yet, not yet, i have so much more to do. but the other day, on this mellow drive, i felt like i couldn't lift a finger to it.

n. so glad to hear from you. how are you? how's your love life?

today, in downtown, again submerged by the layering of stimulus. by the raw, dirty need. the hands asking for dimes. the trash. the neon signs compacted upon eachother. the old 1920's buildings full of workers stacked upon eachother, at the helm of each building a small mexican run market with fresh juice and rank, black coffee served in styrofoam cups. persian languages ruling. armenian. russian. chinese. vietnamese. that one is my favorite. and i was charmed today by seeing my favorite flag waver.

not sure if i've mentioned him before. i'm big on colors. smells. and the core rhythms of a human individual being. he has this exacting series of motions, in his army green shirt, pants, orange vest, orange flag on a wooden pole, chatting intermittenly with a group of mexican men on the sidewalk, as he waits for traffic then waves with this rhythm, seducing oncoming cars into the parking lot he's financially tied to.

ha! i just took the muscle relaxer..shall we see when my writing starts dropping off the page? don't worry i'll temper it with more brownies. it's just that my muscles are so "tense." hehe.

my flag man stands, legs two feet apart, rocking up on his toes, moving his weight side to side as he waves the flag up to the street, down, circling elegantly up and over, down in alignment with his rhythmic hips, bouncing side to side. all in one smooth motion, back and forth, back and forth, like a record skipping over and over on one elongated note. it's beautiful. it's comforting. today i needed that familiarity. the comfort of familiarity, of rhythm.

i needed him.

could he possibly know that this late twenties white woman needed him, has thought into depth about his space on that corner of this earth. he's jovial and seemingly simple and yet so consistent, menaically consistent. never adding in one extra movement or mixing it up a bit, or becoming violent with the flag like the younger ones. or heavy handed with it like the older.

today i called my plutonic architect friend for lunch cuz i was just barely hanging on at that point, i needed an anchoring. and there he was, with his severe black rimmed glasses and indifferent face. we went to this place, it's currently one of my favorite mildewy places on earth. it's this old time cafeteria that is dressed like a log cabin, with faux waterfalls, a disney land set, plastic trees, log walls, a forced coziness. everyone who worked there was very attentive to their jobs. you walk down a tree-wall-paper lined hall to the cafeteria. picking out your vanilla pudding, turkey meatloaf. i picked coleslaw and the enchilada's. not bad, but the "sour cream" had the odd consistency of cream cheese and tasted like nothing. the taste of nothing. another friend/architect met us and was afraid to see my wound. thought i'd really look like i had my head cut off, he was afraid to hug too deep or sit next to me. he's one of the most so-normal-he's-completely-odd-to-me guys i've ever met. he's so seriously with his tales and expressions, but each one is a complete joke being told to me. i love listening to him, i love his nuances. he told me that his spleen bursted in germany and he was in the hospital *alone* for two weeks..in a room with eight other people. it was a v.a. type place. he said, "yeah, that was a lonely time." he's such a loner. but so friendly. one time we met for drinks for his bday and i smuggled in a ridiculous marshmellow that will survive the radioactive war cupcake, lit a candle and made everyone sing. i had this engulfingly sad sensation that he had never experienced this kind of attention. i wanted to lay down and cry for a while by myself. i wanted to protect him and force him to have more of a life. train him.

i finished both my friends bad cafeteria desserts, strawberry gelatin laced pie and chocolate cake. again, the variety that survives nuclear war. the place is filled with character, disintegrating. the sent of pee mingling with meals, lingering off neighboring customers who have spent their day over one cup of coffee, mumbling diatribes into the daily paper.

i forgot to mention, the bday in malibu was a scavenger hunt. so here i am post surgery running for dear life across town to win!win!win! we almost had it, okay we came in third. details. but we had fun, at one point, on our last item, just as other teams were coming back, i tore out of the car, slammed the door, caught the strap of my top and nearly got de-clothed. i think we should of won simply for our public indecency.

okay, i think i've done my part to defer your work long enough. get back to it. :*)
hope you are well.