2005-04-16 - 11:30 p.m.

listening to coolio, the killers, and pink floyd. eclectic much?

tonight i was driving up pacific coast highway to my friend/clients birthday and i started to feel that gutteral sensation even stronger, more resolutely; the feeling that i'm *ready*. ready to fall the fuck in love. ready to become ready to imagine someday having a wedding and then diving blindly into the rest with a laugh and quiet look in our eyes. i'm just all of the sudden, out of no where, feeling completely ..... open?

and i don't feel a deep pressure about the timing. i feel some trust about that, but it's finally on my radar. and that whole young guy lesson is done, and julian the prick dick brit is the very last "julian" i will ever entertain. the answer has become no, i can't even go on one date when i have seen the flags waving "red," "red," "red" in my face. but i'm also okay if it takes just one more, because i'm signed up for the ride. i just felt so content about it. i still can't imagine rushing the details, or adjusting my lifestyle, but luckily i'm not being asked yet. so in the present tense, everything is simply delicious.

the blocks building beneath my thinking, allowing me to climb into this thinking? that great college friend in sf who is marrying a fantastic partner, its a genuine experience that i can believe in. and my step brother is diving off to, i just got his incredible invite to the wedding and it just seems so right. and to be honest clarity, reading you has infiltrated my perspective completely. i see a young, passionate partnership in the day to day and i start to understand how that can be. i just did not grow up with an example. and i don't live around *any* in this town that tout's the oldest singles stat's in the country. most amount of singles that stay that way for the longest amount of time.

dig it?

i'm surrounded by the impression that i'll live like this forever.

i'm getting really excited, i feel like he's just around the corner. i feel like he's really near. half baked in my morphine drip i told my dad this, and required him to stay alive long so he could share *everything* with me. he's one of the most special, sensitive lunatics alive and i need him to be by my side for that. it's one of the biggest dreams of my life. here they are on an impulse and in no particular order:

* to build a successful, sustaining, dynamic business by my own means that inspires, employs and ignites the dreams of others.

* to fall sick in love with a healthish human being and have my dad walk me down that aisle, most likely outside, barefoot, looking down to lizard, cat and some others, with pops by my side with a sick, huge smile on his face.

* to have a baby and confere about what a pain children are with my mom as she spoils them *rotten* as i know she would. i can't wait to share some of this with her.

* i can't wait to find someone i feel certain about. i can't wait to call everyone i know and tell them everything about him. i can't wait for the surprise of when he "asks" and telling everyone, sharing with them.

* have time to make that backpocketed long term project i've always dreampt of doing.

can you believe that just came out of me?

not having a thyroid has really changed me no?

yar!

there are other details about the day... i went to my first jewelry class and collapsed with the angst that i will never learn anything and i really don't know anything once so ever. and the older ladies were mean. at the very least, closed as caskets.

also i have to confide, that i've noticed something i don't like, or rather, i'm ready to work on. i see that between lizard and i there's this pull. i feel like when i'm good, we're good she's good. when i'm bad, she's bad, we're bad. which is irritating on many levels. great when good is all good. but i hate when i have real stuff going on and i feel her collapsing. sometimes i feel like for some reason, when i'm bad she focuses on the bad and nearly invents drama's to curdle herself into. which reeks because it'd be nice to just have someone be seperate and happy and there for me in a solid way. she's still *always* there for me, but i'm contending with her qualm. two of the hardest times in the last year or so:
when i came back from nyc after taking an entire month off to make that piece to get the bigger deal and i
got
crushed.

i was crushed. it was the first time i undressed myself to the world and got rejected. to boot, i had just found out the same day i was flying home. she picks me up and is over herself about her recent drama with the guy. okay. fine. but she'd had those ... i don't know...every week? and it consummed her. she couldn't see past it to be anything for me. she needed me to strape up and fix her. and it pissed me off. hmmm
interesting, i feel this way with my brother this last go round. maybe this is really my issue then.

damn!

but recently with this health stuff, she's started to fall apart too, hell i'm coming back stronger than she and i don't even *know* whats wrong with her. she hasn't said, jsut that she feels sick and had to miss work. i know she can't take much stress and my health thing stressed her out to a very stretched degree and i don't judge her for that, but i feel really pissed that she can't just have her *own* thing and not lull of the rythm of my insanity. someones got to balanced here. plus i feel irritated cuz i can never just have my *thing*, i feel like if i do, there she is having something go on. something that didn't seem to exhist that week before. why am i getting so pissed off? i don't want to take this out,,, but i feel like asking, what exactly is the matter, i don't get it? i feel like it's invented.

well...someone in the room with a party dress and cowgirl boots clearly needs to grow some more centering and compassion. i'm a fire girl, stubborn, irish, i don't come to compassion easily accept by true revolution and love. but at first i throw up my voice and sometimes my fists. i don't know when or how i can completely soften this, or if i should stop working on it and just work on accepting myself.

somewhere in the middle perhaps.
:*) aaaa. much love for my chit-lins.