2005-04-15 - 1:25 p.m.

i am so happy.

i am just so happy.

first of all i'm finally experiencing poops again. i know. detailed diary. but do you have any idea how nautiating that felt to have 13 plus meals compact into my body without a breath or a hint or release? i felt the fullness creep up my stomach and into my throat. and now i have this...okay i won't describe in the detail i'd prefer to, i'll spare you that cause i care :*).

i am so happy. i finally am feeling the acute gratitude from this experience. i had been so depressed that i hadn't felt grateful to merely be alive. i never really digested the fact that i might die in the first place. i may have talked analitically, or dramatically, but i never accepted it. i just felt the onslaught of daily "bad" news that flattened me...the taking out of the whole thyroid...the finding of some cancer cells.... i felt attacked, rather than relinquished, "saved". i had all this adjustment to the scar, the stares, the new reality, the physical pain, the drastic loss of self and energy that i had no idea would be so thick. yesterday morning i just couldn't stop feeling waves of emotion. at therapy i sobbed through the entire session. afterwards i had to walk back into the market to feed myself and in the exhaustion i wanted to cry. i wanted to cry when i got in lizards car. but something changed.

lizard took me to therapy, then she drug me to a master herbalist, which i would *never* normally do, but my walls were down. this guy talked me through some thyroid topics and gave me a once over. it felt completing to get an eastern as well as western take on it. it was great to hear from their side too that this isn't my "fault," that i didn't cause this. that it could of just been exposure to environmental radiation over time. it could be anything and we just won't know.

what started to happen yesterday was living. living, not just "producing" in some forward-forward-forward panic. i became peruvian again! we just took our time and enjoyed and stayed planted in the moment, whether the moment was full of emotion or nautia or completion.

this reeks of west coastism, but stay with me here, it is what has kept me sane and now happy....i went from the herbalogist to my massage/reiki session with one of my most soft, present, amazing friends. she is just one of the most full-of-love persons that i've ever met. she worked on me and i let go completely. my body trusted entirely, letting her work around my scar without an ounce of tension. now keep in mind i've jerked away when even my own mother or a nurse has tried to come anywhere near it. afterwards we talked about slowing down and how she thought i'd be entirely tense from bracing against the experience and that i was actually soft.

i'm ready.

i'm so ready to never be the same again.

i'm not just grateful about the whole "you've saved my life from cancer" thing, because honestly, that still hasn't not fermented into my thinking quite yet. what i am grateful for is the fact that most of what i knew about myself has been torn from me, and once again in life, through a ripping, erruptive, show stopping experience i am brought to an entirely new reality. apparently there is no other way for this stubborn bird to invite change.

holy shit you guys, i've been running so hard. i've been running myself into the cement beneath my feet. i haven't slowed down like this since i can remember. my body doesn't physically recall the last time i listened to her limitations and cared for them. i know i've gotten keen feedback about the relentless speed and energy at which i bulldoze through my life...but it's not authentically the deepest me.

i've been running.

i've been drowning in my own expectations.

it's been the first time in my life i felt really valued, because of the business i am creating. each win revealing inchs of me which felt like this invisible little girl started to finally exhist. i started to feel hinged to this yes and no's of it. i felt like i was finally creating this dream and it made up for the gapping hole that i've always felt vacumously inside of me.

i'm ready to get to know a new me.

i don't entirely know who that is or what kind of truth she will wear on her sleeve, but i'm ready to let go of what i've lost.

let go of what was cut out from within me.

i'm ready to change all my habits that keep hurtling me forward and slow down in my space.

i'm ready for it all.

i'm ready to let someone love me, i'm ready to risk my life and love them back. i'm ready to at least genuinely open up to the possiblity, to even see that it's possible. i'm ready to meet my partner and yet feel no expectation about the 'when' of it. i'm ready for more authenticity and less floating along the surface of this effervescent, busy body town.

just when i thought i had it locked down. just when i thought this surgery would be a three day affair, a chore, a waste of money.

i really want to hold onto this, like when you get back from a life changing trip and are afraid the lessons, impressions, evolutions will fade with the rythm of your daily life. i'm afraid of sinking back into my habits that have protected me from this truth.

i feel like i've been given this opportunity and i just don't want to disregard it in the typically protective belief that i know better.

i don't know what else to say, i feel as if i should wrap it up with some committment or capping resolution, but really i'm just happy for the daily visitations to the porcelin god...dropping the kids off at the pool, laying some cable, downloading some vital information, conducting some business meetings, quiet contemplation time, brown-poo-pie...go on, add yer' own :*)

thanks again for riding with me.