2005-04-13 - 10:16 p.m.

tonight was odd.

i went to meditation and had to leave early, filled with guilt about always leaving early. i know they must hate me. i feel judged.

my guy friend took me to dinner. he's an architect and one of my few friends who is platonic. i felt so incredibly odd. i thought we'd get something chill. then he gets here and is talking french, high end, nicer. so i try to throw myself together which felt like such a lost ass cause. i felt like i've never gone out before in my life. like i don't know how to do it. akward. i felt so out of my skin. like nothing fit. and i couldn't believe how limited i was. i was exhausted just getting dressed. exhausted walking back. literally couldn't breath and talk at the same time. and then i couldn't elevate my voice above a disappearing act, where everyone around had to search for the missing chords.

i felt so less of me. but it felt nice. people treat me differently. my friend today said i sound so soft and chill. like ...accessible i guess. less in a hurry, not rushing someone through their sentance. i want to keep this.