2005-04-13 - 11:10 a.m.

see now here's a delicate topic;
i have loved all the love and attention. i've relished in my disappearing voice and how this has been serious enough for others to not passify, for them to step up. i'm usually too inaccessable to get that nuzzly, warm milk love pampering.

but i'm battling with transitioning from those treatments to feeling like i want my life, independence and strength back. i want the warrior in me to take the fuck over and salsa right through the rest of this. which doesn't mean i'll violently go too fast or disregard emotions that will come back up, but it means that i start to have a good attitude.

i feel so much better with my mom gone. she's covertly, unconsciously debilitating. she treats me like i'm truly incapable and wants to just take over. i have so much more room today to choose how i want to react. i woke up after a bit of a restless difficult night and took a shower, meditated and am writing.

i think a warrior choice wouldn't be to negate the truth of this and push myself ahead. i think it would be to remain open, maleable, slow when i need to be, let *go* of my work expectations and trust it will all happen in it's time. when people stop at my neck, then their eyes raise to meet mine with a jolt of guilt and discomfort, to choose to believe that they are just curious and that i am still sexy and hold my head up high.

i do hope that i'll never be the same again. i hope some of the lessons that have arrived, will stay.

now i've been off the pain pills since monday night when i made myself a muscle relaxing, vidadin cocktaily. i want to be here, now. i'm just taking expired tylenol. i'll keep the pills as gifts to friends and for later recreational use :*) oo you know it.

at some point this strip of surgical tape will fall off the scar and i'll get to see what i'm really dealing with here. oh boy. this could get interesting. :*)