2005-04-12 - 2:01 p.m.

i'm going out of my mind. i feel so groggy and thick in the head. like the knife of my wit is dull and rusty.

i feel so tired and nautious still.

i have all of this work to do and i'm freeking a bit about finances. i just found out yesterday taht the next trade show is during that college friends wedding which i'm not allowed to miss for the world.

i have to now find/secure a showroom who shows at this tradeshow. it's the only way i'll make real income. i'm so exhausted i can't imagine doing any work. and i have things i need rides to and i don't know who to ask. i invited mta over for a movie pill and popcorn night and he said fo sho, but then stuttered around saying he's too busy this week, blablabla, "see you soon". ripped off. i feel rejected.

cat just wrote this
"So can I be a total bully for a minute?

I�m taking you to therapy on Thurs and that�s final. J

Ok done bullying, but I mean it!

If you feel up to it, we can have a little breakfast before.

xoxox,

c."

_-------------------------
that's sweet. i just feel so slow and rejectable and borring and toss-aside-able. down low. this is why i run a million miles per hour, so that i don't ever feel low.
i just don't know how much i should be doing and how much i should just toss it and sleep.

i haven't told anybody but u and lizard about the "c". i just feel like its too much. i have to tell cat, but i'm afraid i'll just get weepy and the less sorry i feel for myself the better.

i'm just battling with my head full of army orders, "i should take this time to do my taxes, and label art work, and laundry, and organizing, and new orders, and sample sale stock making ananananand and..."
i feel like i have to use every minute of my life. so this nebulous, jelly like time off is killing me. before i was too out to care, but now i'm coming to. i am stopping the painpills. they just make me so soggy. if i want to get back, i need to push myself through the birthing canal a bit. i'm fine off of them, it's just a subtle ongoing discomfort.

k i'm going to eat first time today and nap, then get some simple work done :*) this feels like one of the most difficult times for me in years.

here's a pix of the posies my brother sent me:

here's a pix of the notorious scar. it's under surgical tape so as not to frighten the locals. i got my first queer stare last night at blockbuster. wierd. just wierd.