2005-04-11 - 5:26 p.m.

they found some cancer.

i know.

incredible huh?

i'm stunned. and nautius. i've felt nautius all day. i went to the doctors and they came in and i knew something was up cuz the surgen was being so fatherly and taking more than thirty seconds with us after we waited for three hours. he said that they took out two parathyroid glands and might of taken all of them. which isn't good. that means i'd also have to be on a lifetime supply of calcium. he said they found a bit of cancer cells but it's somehow inconclusive, so instead of just deeming it malignant, he wants to list it as benign because to list me as having cancer would ruin my health/insurance life for the next 50 yeaRS. they sent my thyroid to the mayo clinic for further testing.

wierd.

my organ is flying across the continent to the midwest to be tested.

they wouldn't tell me whats next as they won't be able to clarify what's going on until the second opinion comes.

i'm stunned.

my mom was in bad form. getting so vocal and jolty. germanic. it's her way. we were both crying later.

i was walking out of the hospital when i saw a plump woman, healthy, my age, pregnant. that's when i welled up with fear and sadness. my body isn't supposed to be combating itself. it's supposed to be supple and child rearing. now i'm afraid for some reason that i'll never get on that path. that i'll deteriorate and never have my chance. i felt jealous and scared.

the guy who took my blood was this extremely happy guy from the bayou. i'm glad he was taking my blood cuz he had a long life story to tell, as you know i require that they tell me their story. this time they took seven *seven* vials of blood. long stories. his daughter died of brain cancer at the age of 12. her bday is coming up on the 23. she would of been 26. imagine.

cancer wards are just no fun man.

i want to give everything i can to planned parenthood. it was their caring doctor that detected this in the first place. they were so on it.

i'm feeling nautious and my mom is driving me crazy. she leaves tomorrow and i'm afraid to be on my own. but i'm also taking on her fear. she's *all* about fear.

i just want to get back to my life. i just want to feel normal again.

i have this taste in my mouth that this is going to be a long haul. every time i think i'm done i've got a few more hoops to pummel through. i have another appointment, more blood, balancing this new medication which i can have severe energy loss on, and then there's that idea of the "c" and what more i might have to do if that's the case. I suppose it's just a radiology or iodine wash through my system.

it's all happened so fast, and yet i feel like the anticipation of this entire thing has been so drawn out and dramatic.

i'm sorry i don't have anything chirpy to report.

i guess there are good times in life and there are challenging and the challenging helps to annunciate and experience the good to it's fullest bredth.

i hope you are well. i'm going to go read you now to ease myself off a bit.