2005-04-05 - 1:14 a.m.

o. the adventure.

i went on a date with the brit and stopped by his place after, upon which he pulled off my pants, got naked and instaneously pulled me on top of him and is pushing me down onto him. and this is not what i'm wanting. i stopped right away and said it's too fast. and he just, he's just an only child who doesn't like his mother.

the space between the lines when read says that that means he doesn't particularly respect or like women easily, if at all.

like, as in lust and need, yes. like as in truly respect and enjoy and will treat well, highly doubt it.

i'm sad cuz we had an incredible dinner and an easy nice time with good conversation. not inspiring, but solid. then he turns out to be a tart prick.

a real tart prick.

my exit strategy was akward at best. i couldn't cover up for his assholeness. it's like the asshole in the room making horrid commments and some people in the room smooth it over, cover for him to make him seem less an asshole. where as i sat there silently letting him reveal his assholeness. i couldn't smooth over it. i feel like he just forced me to have sex nearly. not with force, but with impulse and brazen insistency past *my* wants, needs and subtle communications.

i just said to him that i'm disappointed in that we are on different pages. i told him that if we had sex i'd inevitably be borred and drop it in two days and that he can essentially either be in one or the other category. he asked what i want or was looking for/expecting and i said nothing, i'm not planning for anyting i don't know you well enough yet. i felt like he was trying to pin me down somehow. to either get comforted in some revelation that i wanted something or to tell me that i want more than him.

i think he a. wants to get laid. b. doesn't know how else to communicate or exist except on this primal, immature level. c. he is a perpetual relationship guy and either he's sick of bouncing into relationships and wants to have fun or he thought that once bonded he'd "have me" and could relax into the comfort of knowing i'm bonded, or 'stuck'. he admitted to wanting to be with someone over dating several people and that he's a relationship guy. but then after the incident he says he doesn't want a relationship, just wants to have fun.

i laid there thinking, come on ineb, you know you have to leave. there's just so much more strength and depth out there. it really upset me. and i just couldn't communicate with him after. the best i could offer, as if i needed to offer anything at all, was that it's a difficult week and i have a lot on my mind. he wanted me to stay over, i would of had to peel my soul out of my skin to stay in that bed, so i left. he said he'd call this week. i don't know if i give a shit. i left and called mta who lives upt he street.

i needed the comforting of a male friend. i needed to know there are men who love women. who are sensitive to what i'm feeling.

he didn't pick up. irritated with people with normal jobs and bed time curfews.

then on a real whim i call my guy friend in nyc thinking he'll never pick up at four in the fucking morning and he did! and i broke it down some for him and he totally got it cuz he has a sister, a best female friend he respects and loves and doesn't sleep with and he loves his mother. and he's a tough ass muther fucker with gold teeth. shout.

he got it and thank god, i really needed to feel a touch of sanity. i jsut have to have faith that there is more out there. this guy had a lot of other incredible qualities. but it seemed like qualities that are great on paper, but his spirit, personality rather, is abrasive and selfish.

yet another diversion.

gold teeth is coming to l.a. to play during my surgery time. he might stop by. haven't decided my policy on visitors. could be fun to have a procession, could be unbearable to feel seen imperfectly, could be sad if no one steps up with the love.

i'm glad to be home in my new amazing sheets, with biggy smalls to take me off into a thick, humming sleep.

:*)i'm so prowd that i left. i finally followed my intuition, rathered the pieces of me into one whole assemblage, and took myself home.

i've landed today.