2005-04-04 - 11:15 a.m.

i'm having a morning on me. i meditated a bit, but my adreniline just keeps spinning through my heart, my mind racing and blood surging.

it's starting to really hit me. through the weekend i had this delicious respite. the emotional vacation. and this morning i just didn't want to get out of bed. fresh, soft sheets and a snuggling cat just urged me to stay in the safe warmpth and suspend the amount of expectation i have on myself to accomplish before i have to take a week off.

i just layed in bed and cried, wanting to be lulled and forgotten from the fire beginning to blaze in my mind.

i have this issue, when i feel panic, a rush, i add more. i take on another deadline, project, stuff i could set aside but pile on thinking i don't want to turn anything down. i want it all. i have so much pressure right now, enough to knock me down under normal, fit circumstances. and now i have the surgery and my dad coming into town tomorrow. and this new guy who wants to see me, and i can't be honest with him about why i can't see him, and how i might be quite different next week than the way he's experienced me this week. well, no necking for one. ouch.

i guess i just need to keep it very simple and stick to my list and say no to every additional requirement this week. i jsut feel this acute pressure to perform so that i don't feel like i'm dropping the ball during the time off, and i feel the pressure about being with my dad and not working while he's here only for two-three days. and to be honest i'm feeling scared and emotional about the surgery. you must think i'm so maudlin. i put it *all* in here. wait, it's actually not completely as if i'm so scared anymore. it's something else. i can't put my finger on it, but i'm crying. it causes me to cry. i'm just not ready. i think what inspires the emotion is the proximity of the oncoming day of.

because its too real now. i can't go out at night and forget anymore. my dad arrives tomorrow. i keep thinking about wednesday day and night and how i can possibly sit through it. and worst of it, i have an interview that day way way across town. i'm feeling so much pressure. how am i going to rock an interview with this on my mind. *and* i have a buyers meeting tomorrow. my life won't let up on me long enough for me to collapse with sadness. i feel like i need to be gentle this week and yet i also feel like it's full throttle. i started to feel sick yesterday and so i know i *MUST* keep it easy and sleep a lot so i dont' actually get sick before this. they may have to cancel if i do. i'm scared of it hurting after. but pain might be good. pain might help me to feel alive and present. acute. sublime.

i know what it is i'm feeling. totally over stimulated in every capacity that i can experience stimulation. physically, emotionally, spiritually. i'm feeling challenged and overstimulated with work, with career, with friends, with the new guy, with what this week is, with the knowledge of the opportunity to be open to some life changing spiritual lessons about letting people "in". letting people care for me when i'm vunerable. i don't want to clench against this and choose old walls. but this is all happening at once. my manufacturer wants me to have my cell by me during the hospitalization. i couldn't make decisions if something came up. and i have letters to write.

the weighted "just in case yes i'm being dramatic but what if" letters in terms of what i want if soemthing happens, what i'd want to say, what my stuff would go to. and i even need to make sure someone can make some work decisions for me if i'm too drugged. i don't want to not remember work conversations if it comes up. okay i'm being rambunctious.

i want to land.

i want to challenge myself to stay in.

in my body, grounded. this is what happens when there's something really high happening, i add barrels more and loose myself. i just want to stay authentically present and real.

i just have so much to do. and this guy wants to see me, or he'll have to wait a week and a half. and that experience is also overstimulating and expansive. i'm trying entirely new behavior with him, as practice, and it's bringing out a brand new experience that i can't believe i waited this long to do. i haven't been playing my protective games. i haven't been walling myself off. i haven't been diving in and overly bonding before i know him. my life dictates and helps that at the moment. maybe i should just tell him.

okay i gotta bounce, but my intention is to land. stay in my skin.