2005-04-05 - 11:17 p.m.

hi. two days till.

can you belieb' it?

rush.

all i can do is compulsively work till i collapse, which i'm not far from.

which is a cluster fucker as i "should" be shelling up with green foods and great sleep. instead i'm going out kicking. hmmm, i do want to...okay no...partying into surgery would not fair well.

my dad came in today and ran a bunch of work errands with me. we dropped off goods to a local buyer and that was a kick for him. i got three store checks today. it feels *S*O* good.

the pisser and the good news is i have another interview tomorrow. it is possibly a great opportunity. a part time job with the right amount of money, and if i can work from home it'd be killer. i'm just nervy after all those close calls and sleeze bags. i'm also a tad rebellious with my time, feeling already pressed and apprehensive about taking on yet another thing.

that prick dick didn't call today to appologize and make nice. officially even past the shit list and jetting first class onto the couldn't even give a shit anymore list. my friend cat had this to say after i sent her a copy of the last post breaking down his man just out of prison sexual aggression....
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Ewww,. If you wrote this as fiction, you�d be accused of making the mother-hating only-child character too predictable. Especially the part where he cuddled into you like his mommy after nearly date raping you. He�s seriously damaged and in really uninteresting ways.

It sounds like it was, ironically, an amazing night. Monumental in a way that only painful, kicking-screaming-fighting-for-your-own-worth can be. First time landings are never ever smooth the first time ever. At least not for me. But strangely, that�s part of the appeal, part of the reason I push myself beyond my comfort zone�

My first plane ride was to Mazatlan Mexico. This was circa �77. The runway in mazatlan was gravel. But no one shared this info with the second grader in braids and a red party dress. All I knew was that the pilot brought us down aggressively and without skill, like it was *his* first landing and when the wheels touched the ground, it only got worse. There must have been potholes the size of mini-vans. I�m still kind of struck by my response. I was sure we were crashing, both of my parents looked scared, no one was telling me a damn thing. And all I could think was this was a cool way to go. i had more scary-fair-ride adrenalin than true fear. And as the plane slowed and the g-forces slid off my tiny body, and everyone relaxed, the relief was incredible, that adrenaline after-glow. It was probably my first real thrill ride, and I knew, even at 7, that I wanted more.

I don�t know if its similar to you, but sinking into my bed having clumsily conquered for the first time, actually feeling in my bones a new way of being, is one of my favorite things about being alive. I might be a little bruised, but ah that sweet after glow...
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i had a buyer meeting today with my first online place. the first place i'll consign with. cool none-the-less cuz they promote well. and i'm being promoted for a nice sample sale thing. i can't do much of those without pissing off my buyers, so i have to keep it on the dl, but glad to do it for the promotion and the sleezy paperbacks. mamma's got make some monayyy.

thursday.

i'm ready.

i think.

who could really ever be ready anyway, but i'm happily distracted by having company in town and all of this fantastic love nuzzling my way.

guess what? tomorrow i pick up my very first 18k piece and take it to the setters to get 27 lill' diamonds placed around it's edge. i pick up from the armenians, stop by the chinese and drop off at the arabs. on the way home stop by the salvadorian workshop. i feel so... white.

shit i think i'm bringing my supplies to the hospital, i want to get some stuff ready for the sample sale.

i know. i know. i can't stop. i'm afraid something will be taken away. even if its just something taken away within me. actually, particularly so. what if i loose momentum. what if i fall depressed. i can't stop now. what if i collapse and don't emerge until i've severly dropped the ball? i just don't want to stop, i'm in the incredible midst of the momentum. right in the middle of the largest order to date, the biggest potential i've experienced. tomorrow is going to be an incredibly jam packed day. it won't feel pre surgery. more like pre vacation, where i have to get a bunch of to do's done before i leave.

i hope i don't leave. leave, leave. i know, maudlin. but in the back of every thought, somewhere is a breath of what if. still.

my brother still hasn't reached out. i found out from my dad today that his girlfriend is shmooing him on a bit in his severed direction. *i could fucking kill her*. not sure we'll ever really make it out of this one. it might be a while.

so tomorrow i have the job interview. i have tons of down town wrap up to do. mercury is in retrograde, should i worry about the surgery falling during that time? should i slip a double shot of espresso in my surgens joe?

i'll be sure to check in before i go under.

my online friend riper.diaryland (check there to see where she moved to) is local and the only link between the me in the flesh and the tales on your screen, so if i really need someone to update, she can. maybe i can bring my computer to the hospital and deal with some highspeed access. what a gas, i'd be stoned out of my mind. hilarious.

btw, i pe-ed my pants tonight cuz my x (who is a friend now) called my mom thinking it was me and she thought it was my step brother and he's like
"yo, waz up":
she "well i fed the dogs ham and they have diarrea all over the house!!"

they go back and forth till he realizes it's not me, gets nervous and hangs up. while he's telling me this, i'm on the floor of my hallway holding back my full bladder till i can no longer and i pee all through my favorite jeans onto my vintage 70's cowgirl kickers and leave a wet butt mark on the floor.

*nice*.

that one's for you kid.

:*)