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2005-03-30 - 1:51 p.m. holy shit, no way, murakami has a new book? and out of no where, i'm craving a cigarette. which should not be employed, as it would hurt my throat and my throat is what will hurt most post op. i just have to check in. i'm heavy with a whirlwind of emotion. nothing "bad," just "thick." i feel it resting on my cheast and full in my belly. i have been eating more for comfort. nothing like a full out binge, but, just more padded. then i go about feeling heavy and unattractive and i feel an opening to be able to beat myself up. i have been slightly weight obsessed lately. like last night with mta, looking at the bartenders small twiggy bodies and perky situations. i can hold my own i suppose, but i'm the seriously normal looking woman. normal size, and in this town, that's large-like. whenever i concentrate moree on food/body, i end up eating more. it's like my "self" clenches against thoughts that i might be limiting myself or taking away the cookie soon, so i eat twelve in some strange rebellion and aggitation, fear. when i'm just busy and well adjusted it doesn't matter so much how the clothes fit, and i don't pay too much attention to what i'm eating. i don't like this focus. but it starts with the added amounts and my judgemental eye and the comfort i guess that i am seeking. here's the good news, i got my manufacturer to come back on board. i did tell him about the surgery. had a long broken english talk with his wife. they are really amazing and i feel bad. i'm such a stubborn human being. but i know how to come down to earth and make nice. they are now wanting to stop by the hospital when i'm in, which is sweet, but i have no tolherance for people to see me like that. i have to be strong for them, not human. i had no idea this was such an issue for me. i also met with someone who wants to look into doing some of it in china. wild. the world being owned by china and the millions of chinese workers. i'm not comfortable with it, but i also just have to find some solutions. i'd prefer to have it all local. i might have to raise my prices *again*. i have so much work to do before i hit the knife. just days away. fuck, panic. my dad comes into town tuesday. he's staying by himself at a hotel near by. i'm feeling fat. "fat's not a feeling, so what am i really feeling?" feeling, inadequate. not enough to have a guy love me. really fall. i feel to fat for loving at the moment. and i'm feeling the excitement for my business and acute pressure for all i have to do. i want to design artwork and produce proper tags with my logo (logo i still have to do), i need to ship these new orders today and a few of them i need to actually make myself. i need to stay up on these other buyers, set rep appointments, get back stuff from 2 stylists, and i have to do that hard core project that i'm commissioned to do and am panicingly behind on. everytime i sit to do it i get blocked. i jsut can't have the clarity and inspiration necesary. and the time, i never make the time. it's eaten alive by my business and then i collapse and have to take time off. and somewhere in here i'm trying to either get new clients (which isn't happening) or find parttime work, the committment of which freeks me out as i already have no time. so i'm particularly stressed about this commissioned work i was suppose to start months ago, november, no last october and have to be done with it in july. which just freeks me out. i can't do it. i'll never be able to. i'd have to take the entire months of work off just to be able to do it. i don't know wha-tha-fuu. sorry, had to barf that out.
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