2005-03-29 - 11:39 p.m.

i went for a meal with mta which was actually uncomfortable at first. he was trying to care for me under the new surgical information at hand. but i leave no room for tenderness. so i talk nervously over intimacy like a steamroller. then we go for a drink and are loosening up. slightly flirtatious, as is our way.. but he's always talking about these hot girls or that girl he hooks up with on her bday. or this new girl who might be moving up from san diego. i guess i want to know he's secretly in love wiht me. it's odd cuz we did have a thing and we just didn't pull the trigger. and tonight he discloses how shy he can be or some junk. i wonder if he wonders if it was a front for me. my self protection. i wonder if it was for him. i could tell he wanted to comfort me and i wouldn't let him. i couldn't provide an inch and i don't know why. it's too embarressing for me. too unbearable. i'm afraid i'll break in two.

i'm afraid he'll get in where he's not supposed to be. because what if i start to like him there?

we have a good night. giggle. walk. he comes in to pee and GUESS WHO CALLS JUST AT THAT MOMENT? the brit who i blew off!

i thought i'd never hear from him. i said that i was glad to hear from him. but then the conversation got belabored, maybe i was buzzed and he said he felt like he was going up a down escalator. i'm not sure i've ever been so insulted, conversationally. i said i was shy. he asked me out for tomorrow night, to which i'm genuinely busy, and before the show i'm going to, busy too, he wants to go out this weekend. he said the balls in my court, as i'm supposed to call. i told him i'm not much of a caller, maybe he could teach me, then he said he'll call. he's 27. two years younger. he sseems cocky and not terribly worth it. worth it enough to be entertained for an evening. but that's it.

okay...i'm stressed about finding a manufacturer for tomorrow. i'm afraid to confront my current one and find a solution, as i've already had to with him a dozen times. it's infuriating. i'm not a terribly patient person, i guess i just attract drama.

it's all a bit surreal.

what is also wierd is that i'm starting to accept and vibe on the surgery thing. i feel like maybe i can think the scar can be sexy. a branding of ferocity somehow. and there's still a chance to pull a hot doctor out of the deal. not to mention the great vicadin!! but i'm bummed cuz i wnat to take some tonight, but i have to jet up early and deal with my business at hand.

mta and i are hanging fri night at this opening. i'm sure we'll get sauced, share a pill and sleep at mine. :*) evil smile. hhehehe. it's bad tho cuz tonight there were a few adorables that i couldn't even talk to cuz i was with a doooood. :*)