2005-03-29 - 3:08 p.m.

10 days===

=++++++++++

K THIS couting down is starting to freek me out.

meditated this a.m. and went for a morning walk.

which didn't help me stay calm as my manufacturer backed out just as i have the largest order to date.

i go to pick up this smaller cluster order and half of it is wrong and he tries to blame me. cuz i didn't leave a sample, which is his way of saying he fucked up but would like to pin it on some miniscule thing i did. the way it works is i pay for a sample so he makes a pattern and reproduces off of that, THE SAME EVERY FUCKING TIME. which he didn't. he didn't make a pattern, so they are different, like not able to function different. not able to deliver to my buyer different. so then he's saying the orders are too difficult, not enough time chica, and to take my leather not pay him and forget it.

in the end he's fixing the belts, which of course i'll pay for, i did take my leather and the big order and left. .... left with an anxiety attack pending in my cheast.

so i have to find a new one, which could be impossible.

cat suggested i pull machievellian tactics and go in beggin that he get me through this one order this one time and let him be the big man savior and tell him about the surgery and such so that i can just get through this one wihtout stressing. then in the meantime, find a new manufacturer. i think i'll have to do just that, cuz i just promised volume and timing to two buyers. i can't just stop now. he's just limited with his time and labor and he won't hand it off and when he does hand it off to others, they screw up like they did with my order. it's incredible. i might have to set something up in mexico or something. these belts are just very difficult to do. and they have to retain their quality.

fuck. i've gotta go massage millionaires now. bi.

i guess i can say this, i've weather so many ups and downs, that i can just choose to say it will all turn out and that there is a solution and once i find it, i'll think i wasted my time worrying on the in between. so i'll try not to let it infect my body and worry now.
:*)