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2005-03-28 - 7:59 p.m. holy ozarks, the order is on. and i got note today from the distributor from japan (dream export country), that they are interested in the product and pricing but had some questions about my volume capabilities. it was perrrfect timing to be able to say i now have a national account! at least i know now i'm in the running to get my ass into japan. i want to kill it there. i think i'm going to send my manufacturer into cardiac. and actually i'm back to the drawing board about finding new manufacturing that can handle some volume. and i need to "find money" to be able to front orders. god, i feel horrible, my surgery is costing my families a lot of money. and they are such hard workers. they are comfortable, but not daughter of a lawyer ceo comforable, they work hard for their dime. and now i'm having to spend it. i just hope i can build a business and pay them back. that's my ultimate dream in my life...this is it: i would also like to help with my sister/cousin girl. her mom barely makes it sometimes. she needed to borrow money for birth control and her mom had ten dollars in her account. i want nothing more than to be able to provide for her through school. it's wierd, this craving to be the provider and not necessarily be provided for. granted i read about some fabulous designer with her "banker" husband and something in me burns a bit, but i couldn't feel purchased. not that she entirely is, but i've seen too many women make large sacrifices to have their lives paid for.
i made an odd point to dress sharp. i am sick of feeling drug down by this, slugging in my trainers, panicked look worn on my face, just inches from tears..no this time i rocked my new tigres stilleto's cat bought me. i brought my computer to get work done. i held pretty good spirits through my hundreth time i've had blood drawn, my insurance talks, the electrocardiogram, the chest x'ray...it's very wierd the looks i get. from the young people who are their with their parents, older friends etc, i can feel them wonder what this young woman in tigress pumps is doing in the cancer ward. i feel like i'm just passing through for some erraneous surgery that's virtually ridiculous and almost unnecessary. the surgen is quite cocky. he's a neck and boob guy. these two areas strike me as such intimate and errotic areas on a woman, and yet he is to tear at the skin, pull out what is under it. like a fragile jelly egg, you pull back a layer and allow the yolk to roll out. i wonder if he ever looks at a bare neck before incision and wonders about the nude, vunerable beauty of it. or has beauty been negated by the pinching reality of dark burgundy blood and raw, blue trachial veins. anyway, i did cancel with the brit tonight. which i loved doing in the moment and then instantly regretted. but i know where that will lead and i'm looking for more substantive interactions. if he's worth it, he'll call back to make another date as i did say i'm really bummed out as i was looking forward to seeing him. hehe. i have so much work to do, i don't know how i can ever unwind. i found out that i can really only have two people in the surgery waiting space with me. i have to wait there for at least an hour. and everyone else has to be in the communal waiting area. so i don't want cat to take off work for that. and i know my mom's huz is going to be there. who i want is lizard, dad and mom. that's all. i also don't want any surprises from my brother. i don't want to shoulder his emotion and controversy during this time. he must still be burning with his own drama, anger and emotion cuz he still hasn't touched basis after i gave alllll i could in the last email. i did all that i can, and i did it wiht all of the compassion and gentleness that i would want back from him. well, now i'm getting sad realizing that he's not responding. now i'm getting hurt again and angry. i did work out today and meditate for ten whole minutes. :*) |
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