2005-03-27 - 10:07 p.m.

12 till the knife.

i just told mta. it was really refreshing sharing with him. he handled it incredibly well. with kindness and didn't get wierd and diverting. shouldered it and offered whatever i needed. wants to get together to talk moree about it this week. which hopefully means we'll get drunk and forget about it all. but he got the magnitude of it, which always scares me. scares me to hear others impressions and weight about it. it reinforces the realness and possible consequences. he was really sweet talking about our friendship.

now it really feels like snuggle time is off limits. like we are edging ever so further into the real deal friendship of knowing eachother without sexy pretenses, so i couldn't turn that corner again. if we did, it would ruin what we have or it would be like a relationship. which he is not eligible for.

i supposedly have a date tomorrow night with a brit which i'm canceling. i just don't want this dood to have such easy access. i'm going to say i had something i forgot about and make him work for another night. *if* he even calls. plus i have a feeling he's a putz like the rest i attract, so i'm not thrilled about getting drug through the mud some more. it doesn't get me high anymore. i think only the real deal would now.

cat and i have a whole dating thing going on. an inside joke experiement. should be interesting. there's this fool "expert" here that says you can either be cherished as a woman or respected. and we, always falling solely under the respected but never flowers fawning cherished, want to take the ride for a test. we want to see if we can cultivate more cherish inspiring behaviors to see if you can truthfully have both from an authentic (read *non* "rules") place. it's not about a morphing of the self or a manipulation to "get" what you want. it's about swinging the pendulum from side to side until a true, natural center is discovered.

i'm eating melted cheese right now, a primal comfort food.

i'm worried about having the re=order go through. now after i've excitedly told people... i financially and emotionally desire for it to go through, okay i *need* it to go through.

i feel like going out and tying one on. days after the repenting hangover, i'm ready to get rioutous again. because i have energy and emotion to burn like gas over filling a tank. i want to ride, burn, drive.

ya know i do wish some of you could be here, or that i could touch in. i'm not sure i can get on the net or if i'll be too stoned. i think i am hospital bound for at least one night. possibly two. i'll fucking jail break out. fark that. or i'll invite strippers in to entertain me. seriously. the oncology ward. puuleezze. not my favorite flavor.

i had easter dinner with lizards family. tense comedy. what they might call black comedy. details that only benefit nerosis or writing.

i can barely get into it, but i understand why she checks out. :*)i'm callign her right now and telling her i love her and that i think she's keen and got her back thro that. yark. it was stark.

she lent me her rocking hard core white heals. delish. on perma-loan.

alright, i'm rebelling against "work". i'm taking my "nothing time". i'm going to melt more cheese (it's this extremely pungent extra sharp canadian cheddar that tastes like bad feet), and read my favorite book, anais nin's diary 'henry and june'. heaven. heaven on a forgetful earth.

:*) hoppy easter. can't wait to hear about your lives.

for an easter surprise i'm attaching the first pix to my site. btw, that picture at top is not of me, did you wonder? it's a shot of a stripper from a porn convention that i snuck past seven rows of security to get into and shoot. these pix are of biggie smalls the worlds fattest purring machine. and of an ammo shot i shot, and hmm can't remember, oh yes the cat i saved that one time in the alley that's now lizards alien face cat. and a picture of an earring i made. be well.