2005-03-26 - 11:40 p.m.

13 days till the knife.

last night i did some drunken dialing and called my x in london. i wanted to tell him what was going on, but i could tell he couldn't hold it. he needed it to be light. he kept elluding and joking and tap dancing. i trusted my instinct and let it go. i'm embarrassed now that he could tell i had been drinking. i get very protective over that territory.

i felt hung over today. i had to go downtown to start the new order and purchase supplies. holy shit the labor alone on this will cost $2,880 and the supplies costing $2216. and the interest on the money, $100. $5196, so wow i really will make 4,804 of pure profit. dope. if i don't just re-invest that money, that could nearly float me for two months of living expenses. sorry, i had to think out loud, ps. i'm sure all of this is secret somehow and should be on the hush.

so hung over i sleep from 5pm to 8pm and then walked to a communist kitch chinese spot with lizard. and at the end of the meal i just cracked. on the walk home we had to stop under a tree because i needed to let er rip. i think i'm finally starting to feel it. i analyzed, talked, told others about it, but haven't really cried and felt raw about it. i just let 'er rip. she said her previous issues was that she's also worried, and i could imagine how freeked i'd be if she had to go under this.

the moment these feelings came to me like a wave, i felt like throwing up and getting drunk. distinct cravings for heifferwiesen. but i don't want to run from this. i want to learn what is here for me to learn. and i really do want to meditate each day leading up to it. tonight it all just started to hit because i think it has been the first night i've slowed long enough to be caught. before it was fashion week and my cousin in town and the order and the work ordeals.

i supposedly have a date with a brit monday night. but i feel like he's the same old guy i always tangle with in new shoes. i don't even want to go. but i do cuz he's hot hot hot. but i feel too raw and real right now. i think i'm going to make him meet me at this super random place downtown and give him a run for his money. cat and i decided we are in no place to be dating, so we're going to have some fun with it. i'm going to make them really work for it. it's just like in business price plus limited availabilty leads to successful product.

god damn, i have a client tomorrow morning. a bit over it. maybe i need new ones.

i'm scared i won't capitalize on this order and success and it will dissopate. i feel like i need to take this and churn it into a few national accounts of the same caliber and secure a showroom and or trade show out of it. *freeked*. but i feel like i'm becoming more ready.

i have my grandmothers ring on my right hand. it's my right side of the thyroid that has most of the trouble. my mom is heavy with the feeling that she's not here for all of this. my grandma and i were two of the closest people in the whole family. she'd be the very first person i'd call to tell about the order. i hope she knows and i hope she's here for this operation. she's been so needed, we've all felt her still. i don't think she's past all the way on. she's still got work to do. she was taken so abruptly. i want to give the ring to my mom for that day. i don't want her to be sad she's not here. i can't imagine not having my mom for all this life stuff. my throat has hurt so much tonight, it clenches against the emotion, it lets me know not to supress it. reminds me. sometimes painfully.

i hope you are well. ooo and happy easter. here's a cool part, i used to have viserally bad reactions to easter from the past experience in highschool around this time. i lost a sense of safety around that time and it scorned me every year i saw pastels errupt in the markets. curiously enough, this year when i saw them, i simply thought, how cute, i want to buy my friends some gifts. :*) i don't think time heals all wounds, love does. softenesss does. ferocious honesty does.

bi now.