2005-03-26 - 1:02 a.m.

so i had the most fucked day at first.

i went to this other interview after that last pole jacking i experienced with the first job i had and lost in a day. or rather gave up cuz they were crack heads.

so i show up at the interview and the guy gives me this hard sell and then says the ball dropping low hourly and then insults me by saying that people "more experienced" will accept it, which says nothing to me except to question their intellegence and the general state of the economy. they were creeps and seemed to be running a brilliant scam.

i leave irritated as hell and slightly depressed. i go downtown and go through the motions. pick up new silver work. feel rushed and unsatisfied. pick up leather to finish a few pittly orders.

i arrive alive and notice a fax printing from nyc. i go to the printer and watch like a child anticipating santa down the pipes on xmas. watch the very ink meeting paper. yes it is *the store*.

"what the hell do they want with me?"

i'm thinking.

i just filled their order.

"did something go wrong? do they want a few more. ooo god are they going to piecemeal me like that and keep ordering another fifty at a time and drive me zerks?"

"it's a re-order. score mutha' score."

wait. stop. stop.

heart stopping.

(most orders are $600, their last was $3g's)

IT'S TEN THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS.

my first jaw droppingly real order.

stop.

yes.

it
s
true.

i start crying.

i just start crying.

then running around the apartmetn.

then instantaneously i forget how huge it all is and i go to work figuring out if i can even *fill* the order and call my guy. my manufacturer. he's also shocked and frightened.

i still have to talk the buyer through it cuz they want it in TWO WEEKS. yar. and i can only supply in five. yar yar.

unless i find a new manufacturer. so i guess its not totally confirmed, but my guess its they are selling so keenly that they'll take it in five just like they'll take it in two.

this is so completely what i needed today. so completely what i needed right now. i have no stability, and sometimes no confirmation that what i'm working so hard for will 'result' in anything and then there's the health crap, and the plastic living, increasing debt to the big bad man.

what's funny about me, is that i rarely revel in it longer than five minutes. once accepted, i'm thinking, i should have five orders like these! haha. i'm NUTS.

but so happy. at the moment.

also tho...today a new level of the throat surgery bizness started to sink in and resinate like the thick, grey silt at the bottom of the bucket.

i had my master healer massuese work on me tonight and damn, damn, damn, i am so choked in this area. this whole not being able to breath, the clenching. the anger. i think i've caused this by my patterning. in the east there are no diseases only trapped energies. i think that it has to do with anger and trapped expression of it and silencing and violence within. i feel it. i felt it all night when she tried to clear it. i felt this heat as she worked over it, a vibration.

i know, westside. but deal with me. i believe in this. and so does the entire asian continent i do suppose.

or at least have a beer and humor me :*)

but i have felt it and i feel as if there has been this trapping that has caused this and they may take this organ out, that has been a result of this issue, but if i don't change this patterning, then i'll cause more.

so tonight after some time alone, quiet in my room on my table, i thought of a revolution. the revolution that has to begin with me. and i thought of everything i've been holding so tightly onto. and i thought of lizard and my brother and my conflicts and how there is a chance to love and an opportunity to resist and with hold.

so i wrote brother an email that was from the heart and honest and yet i still did take care of myself so i wasn't some compassionate carpet.

i feel very fat right now. i hear ya vla about the impetus of the woman who is now about to die. the consequences. the feeling of indestructabilty. i am thinking so differently about imperanence. i know, i'm sure i'll be *fine* with this surgery. but every now and then i think of complications. i think of vocal cords cut. i think merely of a soar throat and today for the first time i thought of stitches across my neck. i have plans for april. i want to go to nyc. i have parties and whatevers. and stop.

stop.

i have this entire thing to consider now. and i know i've barely sniffed the tip of the iceberg.

i read to meditate of the procedure going well.

it also makes me think of the impermanence of those aroudn me, and how short life is and how much i want to just love them the best way i can, past all of my walls and ego and hold each one. but here's the joke, i don't even know if i can let them hold my hand the day i go in. THAT jsut sounds impossible.

so kidlets, we are officially starting the 14 days till surgery countdown, kinda like the countdown till xmas, only less gifts, more scars and one organ down.

can you fucking reconcile that in fourteen days you would have an entire organ missing from your body?

extricated. you wake up and it was taken from your neck and there's an incision and a scar and daily pills to remind you.

to be honest, as much as i write about it here, it hasn't sunk into me. this is the only place i rarely mention it. ask my friends and they'd think it's a blib on the map. i don't fancy talking about it. i still haven't told anyone i'm even doing it beside cat, lizard and my platonic dood friend (who isn't mta). i can't decide if i should tell mta. i don't want to regret telling him, but i also don't want to shut people out and have him be pissed later that i didn't include him or tell him. ultimately i think people like less of a load. in general.

i *just* can not imagine being on a fucking gernie in blue clothes with an ivy i suppose, hopped up, terrified, drugged, being taking in, conscious, being able to watch it all and walking out with less of what i was born with.

at this age.

it's a trip.

i feel as if it brands me as less. so i've been pulling away slightly. just less gregarious. less open to chance. less open to the possiblity of "him".

tonight i went out with a sorta friend from nyc in town. it was a very nice meal. filet, salmon, bolognese, wine, bread pudding, heffewizen.

excess.

my girl, massuese, who worked on me is a magician. she's a true healer and an intuit. she felt as if, without my prompting, she felt my judgement and felt like it was pointed at myself. long time ago, probably when the thyroid acted up, she felt stuff in this region and kept talking about my throat, way before i knew about the "stuff" going on.

today she said i need to stop seeking validation and find it from within (which just happens to be the thing i'm really work,ing on). it blew me away. i need to go pass out. i'm sad that i struggle with how good drinking feels in the moment and how sapped i feel the next day. that's also on my mind.

on another note, i'm excited for the chance to have some lucid sick dreaming during surgery. i want to know what my mind could come up with in this curious, enduced state. like some crazy awake dream. this whole life feels like some crazy awake dream.

am i dreaming right now at this moment?