2005-03-24 - 3:35 p.m.

holy shit finally i can update. we are officially on back log. here's from a few days back to wrap up the special friend story. i'm over it now. fur sur. back to my own personal oblivion. i've met some new chowders, but i can barely remember to keep up with any. see, look at that, i forgot to even call one back. and he's cute. british. i'm pulling back tho, in anticipation of my surgury and all. last night cat and i thought of an evil scheme, a dating expiriment i'll have to tell you about later. here's the previous entry i couldn't post:

I�m feeling really conflicted.

I�m scared to work at this place becuz I think everyone is on a very tight rein and it seems quite anal and that�s one atmosphere I quash under.

The only plus is that my job seems pretty autonomous. They created the position based on my experience, so I will be shaping the position as I see fit. So I won�t be intermingled too much or under too many thumbs. Only the manager and the president. They are a bit odd tho. And what I�m really getting at is that I feel like I completely botched my negotiation on the salary. I feel like I fucked up and I�m furious with myself and I don�t know where I�ll barter some kindness for myself. I�m undervalued myself, on a salary scale, by about 20g�s. and for the position I undervalued what I could of fought for about 12 g�s. I�m just horrified. Where did I *go*? i asked for the higher number, higher even than I was prepared for, but then we he went to the middle I immediately accepted. I should of countered or said let me take a day to think about that, let them stew and then come back with what I want. I�m so pissed. And no one respects a player that undervalues herself. I�m being really sharp edged with myself.

Then to top it off I pick up mta and he�s beyond bummed cuz his parents are threatening divorce again and it always crushes him and he found out how much he owes in taxes. So he was in a low mood. We all go for dinner. My cousin chats with him *nearly all night*. It�s interesting. She�s 17, I adore her. She�s the little tough girl who needs me. but now she�s also the drop dead gorgeous, flirtatious girl. It�s hard to feel like the old one. I�ve always been the younger sister, the young one in the crowd. She farmed some info from mta: she thought he liked me cuz he was raving about how great I am and how I just always have people surrounding me and can meet people so easily and how its harder for him blabla then he said that we have a really great relationship where we can even sleep next to eachother and nothing happens that we are great friends.

And this is the truth, but I�m always hurt that he doesn�t secretly want more. And he doesn�t kids, I did the litmus test last night. He confuses me tho cuz if I mention a guy like the yugo, then he asks a bunch of q�s�but last night I walked this guy to his taxi and I knew if he was watching then it�s *that* thing, and if he�s not, then he really truly only feels a friendship and could care the less who I�m with. He wasn�t watching. He could of, but he sat down and was ingrossed in conversation with my cousin. It�s a bit weird.

I had to have lizard do some damage control mid- night. She put her soft foot down like only a bff who really knows your path can and said that he is not at all right and that it�d be really bad for me to get further with him and that I need to figure out what the hook is. Cuz last year around this time I was also really hooked, irrationally so. And this is true and I can�t totally figure it. he�s hot, we can start there. Tall, amazing body, real, honest, smart. But he�s an alcoholic who is not at all ready for anything real or to build something with someone. He�s not my vision when I dream a little dream. But he is everything this tightness in my chest quenches for. I think it�s straight fruedian. The brown hair, the drunken softness. It�s all my father. Trying to get him to love me past his limitations that I�ve always interpreted as disinterest. It keeps me spinning out, playing out some old dialog in me and the only way deep down that I�ll feel resolute is if I win. If I finally convert daddy. Dad love me, how can I just be enough for you. I get crushed everytime I hear about his descriptions of girls he likes. Body types. And I assume I don�t fit in.