2005-03-21 - 8:01 a.m.

i hate a rich and twisted dream this morning.

i was at this tropical island with the amazing blue, green water. i went into a cave and through it's mouth at the very back was a dirt round area where people were shooting up and i knew this old friend i have who has always been sober was there. i went out of the cave and was walking through the town, through the outdoor stands that were closing up for the day. i was walking up on a cliff above the beach where hundreds stood. i realized that this friend asked me what she should do about herself and i said go sit on that cliff and stare out.

that's all i said. i meant, stare out at the ocean until you "get it".

next thing i realize is that she is going off the cliff to kill herself and i feel the plunging, the sensation of watching a body falling off the cliff and seeing the green over rich dirt of the cliff aside her vertically. i felt horrific. then my alarm went off.

i think this is becuz i went to bed terrified that my brother would committ suicide.

he called yesterday and began telling me that he loves me, but then getting back into his anger, which apperently i ignite so easily, and starting screaming at me. then there was even screaming about trying to tell me he just called to tell me he loves me. i ended up having to hang up on him because he just kept yelling over everything i tried to say and it was like we were back on some hamsters wheel getting no where yet expending a ton of energy.

it hurts and feels horrible to have something so unsettled. particularly going into my surgury. that would feel terrible. he just seems to have so much anger that it overclouds everything and this time he admited that he was peeling back the layers and basically it is all family old stuff coming up, so yes he is taking out on me 30 years of anger for the entire family and i do still find this to be audaciously selfish during this time that i jsut need him to set it aside, not even that. just to live with it, and be gentle and communicate these feelings instead of rage and blame and throw up all over me with them. it's so hurtful. i know he just obviously doesn't know how to be calm through this, so that's why i end up having to push it all away and cut off communication. then he just gets to blame me. fine. i've taken the blame for 29 years in the family. so how fitting.

now i'm going to be late for work. i've gotta go. i'm irritated that i have to go to work and i hate my new desk space. it's unacceptable. i should of been more fierce about negotiating my salary, desk and title.

damn, i really feel like my heart is bent and twisted.