2005-03-17 - 9:08 a.m.

someone who will remain nameless, but irish never-the-less, needs to not drink.

first feeling this morning, okay second, first was frustration that i could hear every word of my neighbor through the pillow over my head. pound on wall, add second pillow, biggie smalls moves her grotesquely large body into position, purring on, drowning out unbelieveably obnoxious neighbor. back to sleep. rich dreams.

but second thought? disappointment that i drank again.

i dreampt of this cousin (who is the poster child for human with their shit annoyingly, i have two degree's and engaged, just bought a house, oh and our new puppy? at the age of 25) and i walking off the road on this road with buttercup colored dirt, a long hill up, i could see vaguely where we were headed and we were talking about the place i lived in. (it was a dream imagined one, maybe metaphoric). and i was saying how much i hated it. i saw it, a bed swallowing the space of the closterphobic bedroom which cinderblock cement walls painted a deep, dark mustard color.

she commented that i can leave anytime. and it struck me, the immenseness of choices and how the whole world is mine. i was going to school in portland and realized that i like seattle better and that i could do anything. i started to think of all the repainting i wanted to do and the new control i wanted to take on my environment. it felt great and overwhelming. i said i was scared to move, as i've been in the same "place" for so long.

same place of limiting myself, living in the mustard room.

also literally, i've been in the same apartment for six or seven years. since college. and then i was down the street in a close neighborhood. i'm over it. with this new job i may want to move east. there's so much i'll want to do.

then i dreampt my mom and all of my aunts were walking on some hike, mission, going somewhere and i was holding this little girl. (i've been dreaming every night for a several days of protecting some little girl). and i said mom she's hungry (we were walking by dozens of food stands).

she said, "no she's not."

(that's what i grew up with. total denial of needs and sometimes exhistance.)

i didn't just insist, or try and conviince her, i said i'm stopping and getting her some food. then i leaned in gently and with love said what do you want sweety, pizza or a burger.

i think this dream is about me taking care of myself slightly and being gentler.

so just as cat and i are arriving at this event/store opening last night the new potential job calls with intermediary person and boss conferenced on...talkign about when i can come in and he started negotiating my position right there on the phone as i'm crouched over in the bushes about to walk in through the scene that is pulsating at the door.

i couldn't really think on my feet, but it was all good info so i didn't need to. but i need to be assertive today and i'm freeked. basically he said my strength isn't design and that i am more talented than jsut that, so he wants me to be more of a project manager and product developer, marketing person. i said great that sounds very fitting. (i think it's potentially a bigger position. i think in my pitch he saw what i could create and its thinking beyond just a color palate for design. i'd finally be paid for all my spaztic ideas.) so i confirm that we'll talk about rate and hours tomorrow which is today now.

"yes, i have to formulate that tonight and put some thought into it".

so i have to now really represent and try for more money and try to get parttime. i don't want to give up everything man. and yet, as mentioned before i have no plan b, financially.

all this on a hung over brain that feels like i'm thinking on slo-mo. as cat goes home at 11 from the event ineb just reves up and meets this yugoslavic guy i met at that party the other night. i drag him off from this cheesey club he was at for an after event party and we go to a bar. and he buys me too many jack and cokes. and trys to kiss me, which i wouldn't let him do. but i enjoyed when he burried his face in my neck and hair. but i remember how it is just a feeling and feels good but can vanish like clouds dissopating once i get to know him more and dislike his personality. or rather disrespect it. thank god, i'm progressing folks, even properly inebriated i didn't kiss him!!

but i'm still disappointed inmyself that i stole art creation or relaxation time from my palate to give it to some yowhoo. twoit.

hes a eastern euro, got jealous over a guy who called. a friend man. fark off. i don't even know you. then tried a bit to hard to kiss me etc, so it didn't end on a nice note cuz he knew i was fucked off and wouldn't give him any warmpth. he was aggressive. and i'm embarrassed cuz i called mta to sleep over and he didn't pick up. i was down the street and shouldn't totally be driving. i was okay, but not legally. damn man. and i feel horrible cuz i talked to lizard and she hurt her finger really bad and needed to talk and it was complicated. i love the girl. she never asks for help. her dad had to take her to the hospital to stitch it up and she wouldn't let me know that or let me assist then i always feel like the selfish a-hole who didn't show. i really want to be there for her too. i'd drop anything for her, my cousin/sis and very few others. i mean drop the man of my dreams, drop the buyer meeting of my dreams, drop the free thousand dollar shopping spree.. anything.

i gotta run to therapy then the job then a bunch of events tonight with my favorite girl in the world!!