2005-03-10 - 8:47 p.m.

so my mom wanted to know what was up and was hoping that i was letting people in and i sent her an email like this...

yes i am. i am allowing support. i didn't mean to worry/scare you. i have
my interview, i'm working out, meditating, staying balanced. hell my place
is even picked up. i really don't want to set into motion a fix me victim
thing. things are going well despite somethings that feel like they are set
backs (tradeshow...). but i don't always know whats best, so i'll rock what
i have.

i've just been drowning a bit for the few last days in the hurt from the
past and unfortunately the past does have to do with you and i'm trying not
to peg you there and allow you to be who you are today and let us have an
authentic, new experience. not push into old patterns out of assumption.
yes, it is spawned by the conflict with brother and its been difficult not to
have a very primally hurt impulse to assume that you two will gang up on me
as i felt from the past. i've been having nightmares and i feel very hurt.
and that sometimes triggers me to violently pull away from the whole lot of
you and hurt myself.

my aim is not to talk at all with you or dad about brother. so putting
specifics aside, that is what is going on with me. i feel a bit submerged
by it and you top that with this surgury thing. pls let me breath about the
schedule. i have it on hold for the week before the 31st (on thursday) and
the week after i think april 7th. the 31st is booked. i'm not doing the
tradeshow. i haven't completely come to terms about even choosing to have
the surgury. you have to understand that these old messages of violent self
punishment and hurt really make it hard for me to want to do something for
my health and let people be here to boot. there is a lot coming up for me
around this and i need some breathing room. schedule your work as you need
to and it will all work out. if i have it, i don't think it matters when or
how. when i feel really hurt and unheard, disappointed, blamed and
discarded (certainly not from you, just demons from the past and stuff with
brother) its hard for me not to shove the whole world or at least this family
unit away and say i'll just do it on my own cuz i'll be hurt by you all too
much (as the scapegoat i'd quickly assume to be blamed and cast off, so i
perpetuate it by running and push hard away so i could just be wrong for
everyone). and the other thing is to hurt myself by not doing the thing cuz
i'm so angry. i'm so hurt. so i'm trying not to put this on you and force
you to play into it and react with anger and abandon. i'm trying to tell
you this now so that you can understand me and have some gentleness and
compassion and maybe we can all try it a bit differently, begining with me.
i'm trying to pull down the red flags as they come up, be honest and raise a
white one in its place. but this is very hard, because the hurt is so
primal and consumming and i've been doing so well for several weeks now
which is past the mile marker i ever make it to. so triggers that remind me
that i'm not worth anything really are dangerous for me to go off again on a
trip to the floor. i don't want to keep climbing up from the ground. i just
want to say here and choose my perspective.
___-------------------------------

then she sent this++++++++++++++++++++
+++++++++++++++

----- Original Message -----

Subject: Re: what's upppp

> thanks for the very frank info that really comes from your heart. I hear
> you and I think I just need to keep being here for you while giving you
> space and patience. Please don't push away. I'm here as a 55 year old
> woman who is a deep admirer of you. I am living in the present since the
> guilt of the past is too terrible to hold on to anymore. So, I get that
> you're needing to process the past including anger and hurt that includes
> me. But know that I'm here in the present, waiting for you let me love you
> NOW.

+++++++++++++++++++
then i sent this++++++++++++++++

i would love the love and support. teach me how to let it in. i don't know how but i'm ready to learn. i love that you are a 55 year old woman. so what do we do...do i really really really have to have this surgury? i really am retreading. i just don't want to. and i was holding tightly onto the tradeshow as a way to feel good, grounded, self-worthy to go into this surgury. now i feel like i'm floating. but i guess that's good, as i get to learn once again that my worth is not my job and the fluctuations from it. meditation is really helping me. just knowing that there are spiritual lessons to be learned and possible expansions from the challenges really helps. but i still don't want the surgury or the scar. ....

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

so today i joined a gym down the street and now i'm pretty sure i'll move neighborhoods and have to leave the gym. nice.

i had the follow up interview. i had sketched a bit more and researched the company. and i was .... to say i was nervous would undermine the word "nervous". i was a mile past that.

but i eased in and i hate to say it, but i think i blew the fucker out of the water. i don't know enough about design, er rather, i know nearly nothing about proper sketching design, but it turns out i'm a perfect amalgamation of the other things they are looking for with the marketing background, interactive, production..all the wild experiences working for this opportunity. and he totally respected that i was honest and said i knew nothing about apparel, never schooled, and just dove in and taught myself everything. he's also a fierce entreprenuer so he got it man. so exciting. so fun. so fun. aaaahhhh! he's so cool. he's involved in many community, civil rights groups. he doesn't even know how entrenched i am in all that. he loved my products and said i was very creative and commented to the would be boss that he could see me on several projects, but specifically one project. he said if the price is right they'd be in touch in a day or so. radical. i'm thinking it's gem. wow. that is a life change man. i'd want to move to the other side of town. i'd have a job with a desk and a plant on the desk for the first time in years. the lsat non profit jobs i had were all travel or in home office stuff.

lizard is here and she's putting on makeup and we're walking down the street to a pawtee. things are good today, which is a good respit to the shat storm that's been slapping my face like a furious tornado.

hope u are well.