2005-03-11 - 4:48 p.m.

hiya. i have been doing betta'. that's so sweet to say it's goregous. the scar. i find that touching in such a unique way.

i haven't heard back from the job yet. hmmmm. i've had an unproductive and keen day. gym, got my hair did. that's a perk of my own schedule. but then i take the day feel subtly guilty.

no. unfortunately the surgury is not optional in anyones eyes but mine. everyone burns when i infer that i'm tooling over the idea still. deep breath. it's an opportunity for some spiritual lesson i'm sure. humph!

on a lighter note...tonight i'm going out with mta to a photography exhibit and then i'm sure we'll end up someone too drunk (which i'll try to avoid). i love spending time with him tho. always feels freeing. forgetful. inches above the ground. last night i did meet a brit. forgot to mention. at the party up the street. ran into a kid from college. one of the only ones who isn't a tight wade. instead he acted tout and pompous. wow. barely stopped to talk, didn't ask a thing about myself. well, it was his friend that i met, so there you sucker. hehehe. whats cool is that i've all but forgotten i even met him. i guess i just feel really full and content as is. not needing that high. i had to remind myself of it today, as if i was trying to get a second hand high, but i couldn't get a deep enough whiff. i'll file it away for later when i have a moment or to invite him to dive night. he's a doll tho. my friends seem to think he was clocking me and get this..i was unaware. usually i'm commandeering. but i lost my senses. what a blessing. he's adorable, we are betting around my age. and that accent hmmmm.

i cut my hair today. always a questionable experience.

when i got home i still felt frisky, so i wrote this and realized at the end that it is for mta. we are always talking about the senselessness of certain sexual experiences. i'm giving it to him belatedly for his bday tonight. i hope he doesn't think i'm really queer. i hope he doesn't get shy by it. and on the other hand i'll find joy in watching the reaction and i hope its unexpected..
totally unedited, just fresh off the racks of my thinking.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Catatonic Encounters

She came from outer space. Her white hands. Translucent and pure. Salmon colored veins jutting out, making mountains and valleys of skin.

I loved her in an instant. the way she looked up at me in the green green backyard, with eyes that sent my into an orange blackout, a moment where I was spinning, your eyes go dark when you get up too fast or lose focus and it�s interesting to not be able to see. As if you are in a lightless box.

And then came the smile.

This evil temptatious smile like she was poking fun at me, challenging me and I didn�t know the game.

She stuck her finger in her red plastic keg cup and twirled the foam, taming it.

My heart furious with repetition, feeling like the first.

My mind upset by the want. The interest, the open door. angry that there is now a crack, a fissure she could tear. I wanted to flip myself away and forget instantaneously. Because in amnesia one is never hurt. Once I�m in a quicksand of fantasy the kind where I imagine grabbing her hand after pasta and dancing alone in my living room cheek to cheek, I�m lost. Because I need. And there is an entire canvas upon which I�ve painted and please fit into the picture. The bold strokes, the color, you orange, orange girl.

The other night it was the opposite. A blond girl with diamonds in her ears, knees buckling with drunkenness. Liquid words and too much touch. Short girl, a knit sweater. She grabbed my hand and pulled me into the room where you wait for the bathroom. The room with the bed at its center, a door that is closed. She flirted and fell into me. and then her arm is wrapped around me and the sensation lifts my skin and something at the back of my neck sharpens and my hands move to her back and neck and pull at her. Instantaneously. I grab at her hair and she laughs and bites me and pushes me to the bed and says something slurred, like, �you�re a big boy. A bad one huh? A heart breaker you asshole. I�m about to eat you alive. And in the morning you won�t know what�s left of you. Just like scrambled eggs.�

I lais down and the room spun slightly. She locked the door. Crawled above me, straddling her knees past my legs, hands near my shoulders, head looking over mine, hair falling in her forgetful face. Who is this person? Whose skin am I touching? Does she have family? A middle name? closing of the eyes, she dips down and begins to kiss a long, deep slow kiss, she grabs my neck with such control and angst. Tension in her legs like a rubber band pulling against two forces stretching it. I felt the need. Why? Just for sex? Just for touch? Just so she could feel pretty or wanted? The kiss became fast and furious and violent and her grip on my hair fierce and face to face the need increased. Grey, black like a charcoal german engraving, fast impulsive. She slapped her body on top of mine and I felt where her curves landed, hand on her waist, moving towards her hip, pushing it down, insisting it move slowly, instinctively. Hold that skin. That white, pure, who are you?

I push her on her back and kiss her neck. Lift her top, kiss her stomach. A puddy of white. Unbuttoning her jeans, pulling at the zipper, kissing and she lifts her hips into me and I can smell her now. Distinct. Unique. Now I�m curious for the taste and slightly repulsed. Curiosity and I hide myself within the folds of her. The places upon which are the very center of her. This is the place that erupts with explosion, an opening, birthing another. A place wet with reaction. Expectancy. My hands move beneath her, lift her, me pushing into her, moving as she groans and pushes her head deep into the bed. Her hair tasseled now. The gleam of perfection rubbing off, the raw metal beneath showing through the gold vermeil. Just what are you made of? Can you look me in the eyes? Do you prefer I fuck you hard and never see? Do you need me to be daddy? A savior? The hope of love? Who am I to you? What role are you playing out tonight and will you be crushed in the morning that I never really existed. But you let me. You allowed, invited, instigated. You brought me here, with my dick out, hard, ready to push into you. The skin of me tense, friction as I enter, hard into you receiving with a breath. A breath that says please. Please. What is it you need?

I�m thrusting now. Pushing, receiving. Watching. Watching for some signs. Watching the muscles in your face that might reveal you. I want to know, will you scream, will you cum, will your head role back, will you clutch onto me? will you move fast and want to just please me with fake moans, an imitation and then lay vacantly, pretending to sleep? Pushing harder. You like it, you push back, there�s fusion now. We are joining. Culmination. Forgetting. losing. I love you. Stop. I can�t. I want. Please. Fuck fuck. O. I collapse, hold, grip, breath, fall, sweat, head in your neck, taking in your fumes. Breath at my ear, rhythmic with the same release. We met in the middle and momentarily knew each other with almost everything that we are. Nearly more so, as it�s without words, without definitions and placement in cases on the wall. My breath normalizes, I pull away and a deep enchanting chill streams across me and my entire body shutters. I am cold. I am alone. I am severed. Stay away. I don�t know you. Leave. Silence. Silent breathing. Separation. she gets up, goes to the bathroom and wipes away what we�ve created. Pulls on her jeans, buttons them with a senseless, permeating gaze, withdrawn into herself. Silent. catatonic. She grabs her beer and walks out without a word. i lay, heart still beating from the race, shaking the bed and body like the pounding heart of a large fish dying in the sea and the water surrounding pulsates slowly. I sink into thought like falling into the pit of the black sky above that continue off never finding a bottom.

To mta. My dedication to u regarding the inebriating senselessness of sex. For your birthday. With my care. Your partially drunken friend ineb.