2005-03-11 - 8:01 p.m.

it just comes in waves. i'm laying here getting in a lill snuggy snugg with biggy smalls before charging the night and my heart is pounding through my cheast like i've done two lines of cocaine. then underneath my left rib i'm having pain with deep breaths. this has actually happened before. maybe from the way i'm laying?

and the wave of anxiety rolls in and i want to sob. i'm feeling total social anxiety about going out tonight. like it'll all be unbearable, like theres some show face i have to put on and i'm not up for it. sometimes i get the pre night jitters. i'm trying to let go of it, but now i'm not even looking forward to seeing mta, usually a reliable shot of joy, and i don't want to drink. and i don't want to give him his gifts. and i'm feeling to open and available and like someone could read my anxiety on my face. people comment over the slightest energy plunges of mine. i hate being noticed. i hate that sensation of disappointing someone cuz i'm not "up".

i'm still having a hard time breathing/feeling normal. i think it's because i'm really starting to accept that i have to do this. and i'm stuck in this place of wanting to preserve my neck for as long as possible, thus putting the whole shit storm off...and getting it over with pronto. fuck.

and there's the anxiety that i haven't heard about the job. maybe i jinxed it with my confidence and telling my mom that i've all but got it. but that's what the prez all but said.

on a renegade note:my mom friend stamps this on every dollar that crosses his hands, "WARNING:may cause excessive greed, loss of human empathy and disregard for vital environmental systems."

i heart lively progressives.

god damn i really need to breath right. i feel horrible and now i'm going to be late. what i would do if i didn't have this forum to check in my baggage. i'd have to keep carrying it around with me everywhere i go.

:*)