2005-03-12 - 2:54 a.m.

hey
"i'm damaged at best" according the self sstabbed elliot smith. "either they want you or the don't".

and i'm feeling don't at the mo.

i know, i know maudlin fool as per usual.

it's just that i went out with mta and we met up with the frenchie i used to date who is now my friend and a few others. we went to a party, i ran into others, danced. mta claims that the brown haired girl who was with us was into me. i said she was into him. i do think she was a bit into me. but curious also about him. we all danced. lots of touching. highschool. then we went back to frenchies and i felt discarded. the girl was sweet trying to sit on my lap, but i left the room and my french friend could care the less and mta couldn't care either. he's such a dood chasing tail apparently. here;s the wierd...at the party i ran upstairs on my own on an adventure and he followed me, which surprised me. and i thought, hmmmm. but it's queer, cuz i reallly donj't think he's interested. cuz he could of so pulled trigger. but he gets jealous when i talk about others and he asks questions and he says i get picked up on all the time etc..... why isn't he into me? i'm crushed.

okay okay i held a secret hope of having him to myself tonight. not to maul. but to fall away into. to snuggle and have our private time. i snuck away. i felt too rejected to i slipped out. i hope he misses me. he eventually came looking for me and i said i was going to leave and he was saying that he was sure if i crashed at frenchies, and didn't even mention staying with him. are you kidding. earlier he did mention. i was crushed. im sensitive. i wanted him to want me. even tho it's totally wrong and i couldn't pursuit...i wanted to feel wanted. i wanted to feel needed. and he is the first man that truly, besides frenchy apparently, wants *just* a friendship. okay man. crushed. i wanted to be next to him. but as i slipped off from the group i inherently felt as if i just invariably have too much on my mind for this silliness. that the weight laying upon me is too heavy for this and that somehow it negates me. siphons me off to be alone. i'm sure the girl was wondering. i'm sure frenchy was not. i'm sure mta wanted to get with the girl. i love that i had game over my boy on the girl. that's kinda neet. but i bagged out and in the end i don't feel loved or wanted. a theme perhaps. what am i to do when i really feel off my mark with the surgury? at least i have my book again. i have my author, anais, i have my god. i have the thing entirely worth coming home to. i carry it with me everywhere i go.

i'm crushed. i gave mta ample chance and he just let me go so he could do what he needed. i can't be mad at him. that would violate our code. we are friends. and we talk about others. frenchy talked about how jude law the aussie was in front of mta. we talk. but i thought that was all front, game. and now i see that for him its not. when i gave him his gifts, particularly his writting, he was so excited and thought it was so sweet. i could tell he wasn't afraid. he was touched. i wonder how it will effect him in his skin, alone when it reaches him.

i need to be alone. i feel destined to be so. it makes me wonder how i'll ever let people in on the surgury. i still don't know if i should let friends like this know or only the closest.

its honestly meaningless. so much of the interaction in this town is meaningless skin leveled flirtation. i don't know how i'll ever get to plunge to the depths. i want to, just don't know if it exhists in this town.

i'm hurt that he hasn't called. that i'm wondering what he's doing. that he let me go so easily. i guess i really have to let him go. i don't get it, i thought he was attracted, he kept looking at my lips tonight. i'm confused. again, i'm chasing the young inaccesable, double doosey. drunk, 24. clearly i'm in another fix. ilove the friendship, but when we started mending skins i felt a bit more. just instinctually. an instinctual desire. that i thought he shared.

crush ya all. crush.

how much disappointment can one grl take? if i don't get the job monday i'll really have to hit the zen and get with this.