2005-03-09 - 5:19 p.m.

there are only a few naked times in my life i've felt this ache in my heart. an ache i feel like i can't live through. it actually physically hurts in my cheast. clenched.

my brother and i went rounds all day until i cried mercy after three beers at 11pm. i bowed out and said it isn't good for either of us and that i'm not running as he so often accuses, but that i'm doing what is healthy. it fucking hurts. the last time i hurt this much, in terms of this distinct disappointing, adandonment ache was with the breakup years ago when i started this diary. he just can't come to the middle. i feel like i've appologized a thousand times and then some and i can do no more with his blame and anger and insistence on his way. i feel so blamed and acccused and unheard. violently disregarded no matter what i said. i feel like he has never taken me seriously and the only way he would is if i killed myself. then maybe he'd think twice about his actions.

and i know this is possibly because he just hasn't progressed and you can't help that. he is a young soul as lizard said. it's like being mad at someone for not being god damn fluent in russian. if you loved me, you'd be fluent. but he just isn't there. hasn't learned that yet. but it hurts to the very core and illicits all of the pain of the past which i so rarely dip my toes into. why submerge myself in a burning quicksand leading to no where.

its hard to breath again. now i understand completely when lizard was talking suicide. she felt so unheard, like everyone was being so hard on her and she just needed to be heard and treated gently. its so scarey being on the other end of that, and yet i understand. not a soul on the "outside" would know i'm feeling like this. i'm the hyper productive, social zoo keeper that is typically rambunctious with energy and drive. and yet i'm home, silently holding this in my cheast and chocking off my throat.

and this is how it manifests.

i get beyond repair. the role i played in my family was the scapegoat. the pressure valve everyone would blame, possibly hit, call names because i would express the insanity, blow off the steam everyone was feeling so that we
could
just
remain.

slightly tame.

and what that has done classically in my life is when conflict with a person comes up, anyone in our circle i push away. i assume i am always the one to be cast away at sea. i bow out. take a hike. push everyone away. and after a solid amount of time of having amazing relations with my parents, i feel like shoving them far out of my life. clumping the whole with the one. sensing that once again i'll be blamed, so i'll initiate it first and confirm it all. and i also feel iron fisted about not doing the surgury.

i feel like its such a farse. how i felt they never cared then and now are up in arms. why? fuck it. pass it by.

i want to ride it out and take my chances. here's the most amazing part of the arguement with my alledged brother, he kept holding onto this sharp anger that it's my way or the highway. track me on this folks, i grew up in a most caotic, unhealth home. i started to become a fighter and protect myself and often that meant leaving. or drawing boundaries, particularly when i got healthy and wouldn't take an inch from them. and he resents that i have such a definitive nature. and he is saying he's asserting himself and that he won't do the old role, so he's doing what i've always done and acting furious about the fact that i am like that. he's drawing a harsh boundary and being angry that i've always had them around me to protect myself against their invasions and violence.

it just kills me that i feel as if he'll never ever get it and never hear me and ever even hint at an appology.

and i feel like pummeling down to the floor again. here's another golden excuse to sucumb to this vacumous feeling sucking me in. i feel like destroying myself and pushing them all away like the past. i know the one thing that would force my mom away would be the refusal to do the surgery. she'd simply stop speaking to me and with a jaw jutting out with anger and arms crossed against her cheast she would fire words so sharp they could cut steal.

lizard is the only softening space right now. the only tangible thing reaching me and asking me to do this. i just don't want to. i saw an i=vee and i paniced. i had no idea i was such a hospital wuss. but at the very least i feel like refusing to let anyone in. like this fight is the stamp on the letter that confirms i don't deserve "it". so i'll push everyone away and schedule it a week early and not tell a fucking soul. maybe only liz and cat. poor things. having to carry this weight. i just have such a perifery of friends that expect me to be just so. i just can't have this visible scar showing them a vunerability. making the whole room uncomfortable.

a feel like having a few beers tonight and yet i don't want to stumble out of the gate tomorrow. i have the interview and i should do some more sketching for it. i wreally want to step up for bat for this. and i feel like recessing with the aid of several beers and maybe a movie or my book. the zen meditation is tonight. i'm just not sure i can land in my skin tonight.

i'm not sure i want to choose something good. i'm not sure i won't be able to not make a fool of myself and start sobbing in the silence. no one would know what to do. ijust don't want to do this.

i will say this. the first thing i wanted to do when i got home was read all of you and write. it's so calming to sink away into this community and hear from others.

pss. on my way home, at a stop light, i saw a cracker head dumb white man get out of his car and walk to his trunk, take out a brief case and walk back. no tooo odd...except for the gun holstered to his side and his wacked out look and dog tags in his car. plates from michigan. why are they always from michigan. i pulled up near, fascinated. glancing. wanting to roll down my window and ask, "hey man, why the piece?" i would love to hear the response. but i guess i don't want to die that much.

there are just some people in this town you don't cut off in traffic.