2005-03-08 - 9:35 p.m.

i'm thinking more and more about not having the surgury. i can't even spell the word so why should i have it?

i'm in a subtle battle again with my self destructive side versus the side of light.

i just got back from the client, a day of disappointment and hurtfulness with my brother and now i need to work more so i can get up extraordinarily early to work on a set of clients.

i just feel like the hill grew into a mountain and i'm not feeling able to climb it. i'm feeling too fat, too doubtful to charge forward. here's the light, i can understand that it's just a day and doesn't need to turn into a pummeling. that i can stay above water and continue with the great feelings i've had. the health i've had now for a few weeks. the new manifestations.

but i think that i'm so hurt with the altercations and anger regarding my brother that i want real destruction. the kind where i can't remember my name. the real proof that, "see you are right, i'm not worth it. there. done." the curious thing is that i get back at him by hurting myself. making myself go away.

it's a fissure running quite deep.

it's a gorge i'm not sure either of us can cross. he seems terribly committed to his unbelieveable point of view and anger. i am committed to mine. we can't come together and yet its killing us both to feel so violently apart.

so i don't want to have the surgury, in part because it goes against what i believe to be true about a life lead undisturbed. untampered.

i'm trying so hard to "get it". to be a better person and grow from this. apperently this anger for my brother feels insurmountable, particularly the more he commits to his brash blame of me. he's putting everything on me and i just am feeling a rebellion growing in me. but i've tasted this rebellion. it's what i did that disasterous weekend. it's when i start to burn myself out and run *hard* and hurt myself.

i told him that this takes me to a very bad place. i have always thought that it isn't fair to threaten people with self harm. like it's a very unhanded way to force your way, or just force your way to being heard. there's a sensation that i'm invisible and not being heard.

again.

again like i always was. so i'd get loud and fight hard. somewhere after fighting so hard, i starting turning the fight into myself. there's this unbelievably addictive place within that wants to ruin myself. it feels as temptatious as anything. and it spins out in the many forms of destruction, drinking hard, driving half here. mixing in pills. it's a miracle that i'm not hitting it harder. no real drugs.

i just have wanted this trade show thing to go, cuz it focuses me and keeps me on the up. keeps my head to the pavement pulling out miracles and creative inventions. without it, all i feel that i have is the doom of this surgury and a feeling of floatation. i don't think i can endure.

tonight i was working on a friends friend. she's a "model". has traveled the world and i kept feeling like there was no way i wanted this physical scar. i don't want some visible evidence that someone can get "in". get into me. permeate the layers that render me inaccessable.

i've got to work early. 8 a.m. on a set. in the valley, worse yet. i just have to squeeze a bit more work out of myself tonight to keep moving ahead. there are so many opportunities, but i can only reach them if i can continue to keep my head about the water i feel so tempted to drown myself in.

i'm sorry this is so maudlin. i just keep having unsettling dreams that stay with me by day. last night i dreampt that i put on some clothes that were piled on the floor with some sheets. i move the pile and a dozen, large, laquer black spiders skattered out from the hidden resesses within.

i think that has to do with what i feel is inside me right now, these hidden spiders. impregnation. spiders represent power and fertility. for me i feel them to be hidden places, unnameable spaces full of spiney, long legged untouchable shame. fearful places that errupt out of what i wrap myself in to go out into the world. scathed. marked.

i guess once again in my life i have to allow for the fluidity or else i will be clenching against the riotous waves of the sea. i have to let the water flow as it will without my consent anyway. let the tradeshow go, let that grounding ambition dissipate from me and be open to some other experience. let my brother go, try and let my anger go. let this surgury go. open my hand to the erruptive nature of this short life and make the choice that it is nothing short of beautiful.