2005-03-08 - 7:12 p.m.

i've had such a derailed day.

i've spent the most of it email arguing with my brother. we both have a lot of undealt with anger apperently. he jsut won't let up on his position and keeps coming up with new ways to blame me. he refuses to appologize. the one slight moment he did, he followed it instantaneously with a 'but you'...more blame. i can't take it. i felt drowned in anger and hurt today. and frustration. the second interview was rescheduled and the gdgdgd woman from the showroom didn't call me back. that's three days of promise and nothing. if i don't know by tomorrow then i'm baggin out. i have too much to prep to have merely four days notice. already it'd give me a near panic. and my clients canceled today.

two cancels and one blow off. i know none of it is intentional, but i feel battered a bit today.

and i'm having some feelings about this surgury again. honestly i'm feeling like i don't want to go through with it. i might just want to, there's a part of me that wants to forget about the whole thing and take my chances. i just feel insensed about our unnatural way of living. eat too much, have your stomach fat pumped out. take the elevator to the gym to walk the stairmaster machine. prolong life, zap out anxiety, fear, numb feeling. i just want to live naturally and if i die of cancer than i guess my time was up and at least i just let it run its course. lizard said that it hurt others so much if i did that and that c is a horrible way to die.

more later...gotta go to a client...