2005-03-05 - 12:39 a.m.

so check this out,,, i got a call back for the second interview.

what a trip.

i just have a feeling i won't get it. i just can't picture going to work right now. going to an office, learning new things. accountability and deadlines other than my own. balancing three major jobs again, actually last time it was four. but i am meeting the head of the company.

lill' concerned cuz the guy warned me that where as he's laid back, this guy needs to see materials, a beefy portfolio. which i do not have. so this weekend i'll be learning
a. how to sketch.
b. then sketching it.

i don't even know what proper kids even sketch this kind of work on. i have to do some research and work it out. and i have to learn to sculpt with wax this weekend. silly me.

i've been craving mta all night tonight. i got that mainlining fix and now the afrodesiac is surging through my system needing more.

tonight i took lizard to that show. it was incredible. thoroughly enjoyable. then we got a tuna melt after. yumyum.

i just can't believe how much is going on right now. three new orders. two distributors from japan interested/nurtured. a reorder from the motherload. the possiblity of the "c" word. the poss that it could come back or spread if it's taken up residence in the first place. family stuff. drinking stuff. interviewing for the first time in eons. debt. starting my own business.

i should find out on monday the price i'll be charged to do this tradeshow. i'd be so excited to do the thing. i really just am aching to take a dip. i want to get wet here man, i'm sick of only getting some mild mist. i want submerssion. i want national orders. i want accumulation and paper the color of green. i want to get into the cycle here.

i feel this acute performance pressure. pressure to have the portfolio and some new sketches to put in there by tuesday. pressure to learn how to work with wax
*in one weekend*.

that's virtually insane. it's an entire craft that people nurture for god knows how long. oooo and i have a whole new pitch to follow up on. so there's the pressure to do that. and the pressure to not drop the ball on the thing i'm already getting paid to do. and the pressure to schedule the surgery. and the thought always at the back of my mind and front of my throat about the two inch scar that will, in a matter of weeks, be etched across my neck.

i can't get away with not telling people. they will notice. i will be worn on my skin. visible. my private life visible. that's what i find challenging, is telling the people around me. or not to tell them. but it'd be mysterious as to why all of the sudden i've disappeared and come back with a scar. like an alien visitation.

damn pheromones. damn them. i'm craving that kid. craving his body back in my bed tonight. amazing, cuz we weren't even physical. i didn't even feel this way for the last guy that i was physical with. this is because we have regularity. rhythm. friendship. i don't know if i have someone to go stop by his bday with him tomorrow night. not to mention i don't really want to see all the cute cling on young girls dangling from his wake. i just want to be the one who hangs late night and goes home with him to have more of this unusual friendship and morning coffee.

okay i've got to cut it out.

:*)