2005-03-04 - 9:48 a.m.

about last night....this was a response to a friend wondering if i ended up being as bad as her last night after our dive night party. we went to a super dive and took over. we even had a wicked theme. it's was enjoyable, actually a bit mellow for us. work night? ridiculous. the guy we are henceforth refering to is called MTA. i dated him last year during v-day. he's young and we've been jsut friends. picked up the friendship sorta recently. but he's commanded a bit of my time. ......................
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I WISH. no it's the oddest affair. 2nd time we've shared sheets and nada. fuckin hi-larious.

so here's how it went down.
mta. part irish, part german.
me. part irish, part german.

mta and ineb. total trouble.

when i'm around him i can be guaranteed a combination of pills and libation and semi-lucidity. so we roll back to my pad and he decides we should go for more rounds. x's. drinks. dancing. codeine kicks in a nice marsh-mellow.

we are back on my street and i was going to offer him to stay over, that he's had too much to drink, but before i can think to, he asks, can i stay over. maybe out of simplicity. he works at x close to here. lives in hollywood.

last time we played stay over, both of us in our threads, no touching.

this time threads, but i nuzzle in and spoon him and he assertively, with that manly sensation, grabs my spooning leg and brings it in close which is one of the simpliest, sexiest things a man has ever done. and god damn he's got to stop with that body. i'm being tortured for every guy who was attracted that i forced to 'just be friends.' so we snuggle and *that's all*. i actually love it. it's so clean and non chaotic. but i have to say, fucking torturing!! i'm so attracted to him, but i'm enjoying the friendship so much. i've always wanted the super playmate. one that could keep up and stay over and just be silly. weird to snuggle...aaaa...and yet we talk about others all the time. i'm getting the inside scoop on the other half.

his bday is sat night, so i'll stop by. dangerously not right for me. but i've made this decision. i've always been so hell bent on beating myself up.. and this morning i was thinking, ya know when you love someone so much, your so smitten, that they *can do no wrong*. and i was thinking, ever since i've stopped being so hard on myself (circa the last two weeks), i've been so much better. sure i still flop into various follies, but when i lift the verbal aftermath-lashing off the equation, i've come to the light so much quicker and i stay balanced. so i'm going to try a new purchasing policy: i can do no wrong. i'm going to try and love myself as if i can do no wrong. so even if i fall into this situation that is dangerously divergent, the sensation that it's alright, and all right, lifts the steel hammer and gives me room to just live. and live closer and closer to my truth because with weightlessness, i think its so much easier to rise to my pure self and make those inevitable healthy choices that respect and care for that self.

that's a very long answer to a very short question.

and you? had a good night tumbling towards ecstasy?
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so i'm just going to try this whole i can do no wrong thing and see how i fare. track me on it eh? keep me to it. i want to see if i progress further that way. with the stealth iron fist lifted. i feel like without punishment i won't be responsible, like it's only by a vicious voice that i might be angry enough at divergence that i walk the straight line. but it's always by the iron fist that i tumble into endless divergence. a fit of self punishing. i don't know how people work hung over. mta is going to start drinking at work. that's his plan. i feel like the codeine is just wearing off. and i have a buyers mtg this morning with someone i'm really friendly with, but she's a hardcore perfectionist about the product so she can be a really tough sell. and i have the turk coming with me cuz she wants to pick up tips on persuation. then i'm doing charity at lunch teaching a girl all i know about the biz, all my forms, linesheets etc. others do it for me all the time, so karmically i want to give back the minute i receive. i actually have a thing, anytime i'm given anything, i like to turn around and gift something as well to someone else. keep the cycle in motion.

it's going to be tough to work today cuz it feels so play! play day with friends.

pss. i went on that interview yesterday and the guy was *younger* than me. hilarious. loved it. i had such a time and i definately want this job. part time designer. with some staff i could boss! in an incredible office dt. next to a favorite hot boy cafe. nice nice nice. want it want it want it. i think i low balled myself on the money, had no idea since my moral has been so low and i've been out of corp market for so damn long. but the guy and i really vibed, so we'll see. i feel terribly unqualified and i know the job would kick my ass cuz they have fierce deadlines and i'm not sure i know all the programs to design on. he loved my "portfolio". hehe. cuz he's a hipster and some of my stuff i showed had some interesting subtle underground stuff hidden within. k man. gotta prep the meeting...but wish me luck dogs, cuz i find out about the job interview today after 5.30 and i'm really keen on it. i hate when i want something. it's so painful. i know i'll move on if it doesn't keep, but it'd be such a clean solution to my various qualms with making rent and all those silly bills acting as evidence that the man does indeed OWN MY ASS.

hope you are well today. v. glad your in your apartment bliss. jg. hope you are well today and charmed by the weekend. c. so nice to hear about your homestories. and hello to everyone else, hope the day greets you with a smile and that at some point today you stop and just watch, smell and listen. :*)